charz2k

SOPA and PIPA

2012-01-18T13:21:00.000-08:00

As a protest against the proposed PIPA and SOPA legislations, no new posts will be published to charz2k today.

sincerely,

Danny

Twitter titter

2011-01-28T18:38:00.001-08:00

Danny and I now have Twitter accounts because our Facebook friends are idiots and hardly ever post anything funny and worthwhile and probably don't understand funny and worthwhile things we post and you can't use funny #tags when you post on Facebook.

Danny: @dildonato (dildo+NATO)

Eric: @outdoorminer #somedumbsongname

Obama Sucks

2010-04-06T14:48:00.000-07:00

I think blue collar fans would know their players, and that it was "Comiskey" Park, not "Cominsky." Not to mention pulling out a Sox hat to throw out the first pitch of the season for another team who is just trying to win 30 games a year. Throws like a girl, too.

Well, here it is, folks.

2010-01-18T18:00:00.000-08:00

It's taken me quite a while to finalize this list, be it because I've been struggling to recall favorites from the first part of the decade that deserve mention, or because I'm insecure about the quality of my list in comparison to those of my peers (Danny, Peter, Jeff - this means it's your fault I've taken so long...). Now that it's been a good two months since I'd begun to think about the decade's best, I'm tired enough of the idea of creating the perfect list to force myself to feign indifference at any forgotten mentions, and some Xanax will probably help me with the list-esteem issue. So, here we goooooo!

26. In Ghost Colours - Cut/Copy: After a long-delayed flight from Australia threatened to cancel their P-fork '08 set, hearing "Hearts on Fire" sneak out from behind Animal Collective's set and running over to join the bouncing crowd for the two songs they played made me love this record all the more.
25. Satanic Panic in the Attic - Of Montreal: The first time I heard "Rapture Rapes the Muses" while co-hosting my friend Kathy's radio show my mind was blown because it was then that I truly realized how little I knew about music and how much I wanted to learn. If their fans and their subsequent records hadn't diminished the listenability of SPitA, it'd probably be top-10.
23. (tie) #3 - Suburban Kids with Biblical Names/You're so Silent, Jens - Jens Lekman: Swedish indie pop is one of the greatest things to happen to music this decade, and both of these artists exemplify why. I really like Night Falls Over Kortedala, but I can't exclude the collection that showcases "Black Cab" no matter how hard I try.
22. Slow Dance - Jeremy Jay: French post-punk revivalism in 2009? Fucking yes.
21. The Pains of Being Pure at Heart - The Pains of Being Pure at Heart: Too noisy to be twee, too twee to be noisepop, POBPAH's C86 revivalism gives me hope for the next decade's music.
20. Alight of Night - Crystal Stilts - Simple chords, when draped in enough noise and distortion, prove that you don't need to be technically proficient to make a fantastic record. Substandard equipment helps. While probably technically part of the whole "shitgaze/glo-fi" movement, Crystal Stilts do what they do so well that none of the genre's other bands really even need to exist.
19. Album - Girls: Danny said it well enough for me to not need to repeat. Also, since on the 1st of January, 2010 I vowed no alcohol until the Girls show on 1/31 at Walter's, I really love them and want it to be the day of their show.
18. Up the Bracket - The Libertines: If There's a Riot Goin' On was the most appropriate album to snort a line off in the 70s, "Up the Bracket" is, along with Blood Visions (RIP Jay :( ) certainly the best for the '00s.
17. High Society - Enon: Maybe the best "Indie Rock" album of all time.
16. Paper Television - The Blow: "True affection floats"
15. Every Night - Saturday Looks Good to Me: "All Over Town" is one of my favorite songs to listen to on a warm day while driving with the windows down.
14. Underachievers Please Try Harder - Camera Obscura: While "If Looks Could Kill" and "French Navy" might be amazing singles that showcase the best of a fully-realized band's potential, the underachievement of "Underachievers" is just so damn cute.
13. Suburban Light - The Clientele: A great October record that I really listened to for the first time on a rainy October evening.
12. Let it Bloom - Black Lips: Maximum fucking rock and roll.
11. Love Visions - Nobunny: I kind of wish I lived in San Francisco so I could have heard these guys (and Hunx) earlier.

10. The Last Match - The Aislers Set

Through benefit of barely squeaking out of the 90s, I love this record because of how 90s noise-pop it is. I kind of get the impression that every No Age/Vivian Girls/Wavves/Girls wishes they could have made this absolutely perfect record themselves. More than anything, Aislers Set understand the necessity of noise and melody, and they pour the perfect amount from each beaker into each song. Bonus points for covering 14 Iced Bears.

9. The Mysterious Production of Eggs - Andrew Bird

Listening to this record sometimes feels like an adult "story time" where Andrew is sitting in the center of a circle with a big picture book open to illustrate his song's nameless protagonists. One of the rare instances where an album could likely stand on its lyrical merit alone, the melodic prowess of the storyteller is doubly effective.

8. Rings Around the World - Super Furry Animals

My favorite part of this album is how it sounds like Paul McCartney is doing the backing vocals in "Receptacle for the Respectable" and how you check the liner notes and see his name in there and think "damn I was right" while all he did was like blow on a comb or something.

7. The Museum of Imaginary Animals - Pram

The problem with decade-end lists is that if you listen to a lot of music you'll inevitably happen upon the circumstance where you hear something very late in the decade that hasn't had the time to marinate like the rest of the selections you'll likely include. When I first heard this album I knew it was one of the best, and I'm pretty confident I've not erred on this one at all. It's whimsical, haunting, and beautiful. I urge all Stereolab fans to get it immediately.

6. Margerine Eclipse - Stereolab

Whether on stage, in a car, while lying in bed reading a book, or concentrating intently on every note, I love listening to Margerine Eclipse. Though, as Peter pointed out, Sound-dust was the last album with Mary Hansen before her untimely demise, and after spending a week straight listening to that album exclusively while driving, it took one listen of Margerine Eclipse for me prefer it over Sound-dust. I especially can't get enough of the hypnotic and chilling "Someday...someday...someday" in "La Demeure."

5. Tower of Love - Jim Noir

When we get together
I always hope there'll be nice weather
between us
there's nothing worse
than when you turn into a thunder storm with me

4. Guitar Romantic - Exploding Hearts

Every song on this album is so good that you just as you start to think it's the best song on the album you remember how good each and every other song on there is. WHY THE FUCK DID THEY HAVE TO DIE?

3. In the Valley of Dying Stars - Superdrag

Of all the cases where the nature of the American music industry cheated a band (and the fans they never had the chance to earn), that of In the Valley of Dying Stars, because of the sheer marketability of a sound so compatible with the radio landscape of the era, stands so astoundingly far ahead of the pack. I feel privileged to have known of their existence at a time when they could be enjoyed as they matured, and followed through their demise and eventual resurgence. Also, there probably isn't a more fun song to sing/yell while running across a snow covered Mudd Field when you're 19 and wasted.

2. Dear Catastrophe Waitress - Belle & Sebastian

The number one music-related regret of my college career involves missing Belle & Sebastian at the Pageant my sophomore year because at that point I thought they were "boring". I've been wrong about many things, but this error is high up on the list. The undeniable excellence of another of their shows in early '06 that involved a 4-hr road trip and the absolute farthest seats from the stage only served to broaden the wound built by the missed opportunity of seeing them close up at a place that was a 20-minute walk away.

1. Is This It? - The Strokes

By now it's all been said, it's all been read; this is it.

fweeeeahoooooo

2010-01-02T01:26:00.000-08:00

Sam's Top 50 Songs of 2009

2009-12-31T19:25:00.000-08:00

50. I Was A King - Norman Bleik

49. Violens - Already Oslo (Lilys vs. Rod Coles Remix)

48. Slim Thug - Thug

47. Friendly Fires - I'm Good I'm Gone (Lykke Li cover)

46. Black Lips - The Drop I Hold feat. GZA

45. Crystal Antlers - Andrew

44. Lady Gaga - Paparazzi

43. Passion Pit - Sleepyhead

42. Jamie Foxx - Blame It

Richie Cunningham in yet another music video.

41. Phoenix - Fences (Friendly Fires Remix)

40. Make The Girl Dance - Baby Baby Baby

39. Young Money - Every Girl

38. U2 - Magnificent (Fred Falke Remix)

37. Annie - Anthonio (Berlin Breakdown Version)

36. Coldplay - Lost+ (with Jay-Z) (Live At the 51st Grammy Awards)

Purely for what has to be the first golf clap reception Jay-Z has ever received.

35. Crocodiles - Summer Of Hate

34. Regina Spektor - Blue Lips

33. Priors - What You Need (Extended)

32. VEGA - No Reasons

31. Clipse - I'm Good (Remix Feat. Rick Ross)

30. Voxtrot - Trepanation Party

29. LeToya - Regret (Feat. Ludacris)

28. Florence And The Machine - Cosmic Love

27. Sally Shapiro - Miracle

26. The-Dream – Rockin’ That Shit

25. Little Boots - New In Town

24. U.S.E. - All The World

23. St. Vincent – Marrow

I enjoy watching Annie Clark play guitar.

22. Modernaire - Faites Vos Jeux

21. Lily Allen - The Fear

20. Taylor Swift - You Belong With Me

19. The Cribs - We Were Aborted

18. Au Revoir Simone - All Or Nothing

17. Dirty Projectors + David Byrne - Knotty Pine

16. Drake – Best I Ever Had

15. Kid Cudi - Make Her Say (Feat. Kanye West & Common)

Visually my favorite music video this year.

14. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Heads Will Roll

13. St. Vincent - The Party

12. Maxwell - Pretty Wings

11. Gossip - Heavy Cross (Fred Falke Remix)

10. Phoenix - Lisztomania

A song about the difficulties of writing a hit song, which became a hit song that sounds so effortless.

9. The Cribs - We Share The Same Skies

8. Annie - I Don't Like Your Band

7. Jay-Z - Empire State Of Mind (Feat. Alicia Keys)

6. The Streets - Trust Me

The best UK garage hit released for free via twitter.

5. Raekwon - New Wu (Ft. Ghostface Killah & Method Man)

New Wu. Not in the sense that it's any different than the Wu-Tang of old we all know and love, rather it's the joy of experiencing the Wu-Tang Clan for the first time, all over again.

4. Annie - Songs Remind Me Of You

3. Girls - Lust For Life

2. St. Vincent - The Strangers

1. Phoenix - 1901

All the fundamental elements of my favorite songs this year jammed into electro/power-pop perfection.

Sam's 9 Albums of 2009

2009-12-26T14:50:00.001-08:00

#9. Au Revoir Simone - Still Night, Still Light

#8. Raekwon - Only Built 4 Cuban Linx... Pt. II

#7. Lily Allen - It's Not Me, It's You

#6. The Cribs - Ignore The Ignorant

#5. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - It's Blitz!

#4. Girls - Album

#3. Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix

#2. St. Vincent - Actor

#1. Annie - Don't Stop / All Night EP

My Favorite Albums of the Decade

2009-12-15T14:52:00.000-08:00

My friend Peter asked me to make this list so I thought I might as well do it up right and put it on charz2k since I haven't posted here in forevs.

This is weird. The "oughties" are ending. It's been a weird little decade for me. I guess I'm a child of the nineties. But the thing is, I'm an adult of the years 2000-2009. For the most part God's made it easy on me (if God actually controls any of this shit). But I've dealt with my fair share of adversity. I was a teenage punk rocker and that certainly doesn't make high school any easier. I've lost touch with many friends. I've given and received a broken heart. But I don't fucking care. If I could do it all over again I would. I'm a better, more mature person for it...I've learned a lot about myself...about my nature and the natures of others. And I've loved music all the while.

I've got good music memories of this decade. I've fallen in love to this music, I've fallen out of love to this music. I guess some of those memories are painful too...

Full disclosure: actually even through this decade I've mostly listened to music that was made before I was born!

Another actually: I always say things like this: "Yeah X is okay, but why wouldn't you listen to Y?" So, yeah this decade's music was okay...but I'd rather listen to things from 1979.

Before I continue let's get this out of the way (lots of caveats here, I know) - I don't think these are the best albums of the decade. Notice the lack of Kid A. These are my favorite albums of the decade. These are the albums that mean the most to me. Well, they're the albums that mean the most to me... that I could think of last night...I'm probably missing some and some probably don't deserve to be on here and this list is subject to change and I could put some more obscure things on here butyouwouldn'tknowthoseanyway so yes!

Heeeeeere we go! from last to first

15. Black Lips - Let It Bloom

Nothing too poignant about this thing for me...it's just really good and slimy. It's just some dudes from the South making 60's type garage punk. They bleed on stage, they make out with each other, they get naked. I listened to this album a bunch and it was a cool, little revelation to me. It's like a new Nugget. It's fun. Derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! I think I wanna' get fffffudged up tonight because I just finished my finals......I have to be at work early tomorrow but...maybe we'll get Thai food for lunch...I think I get paid tomorrow...tomorrow could be a good day.

14. Nobunny - Love Visions

This was a recommendation from Eloy. His girlfriend is the drummer in Vivian Girls. He and I talked for hours after the Vivian Girls show down here in Houston. I remember the band that went on before Vivian Girls was like this goofy sub-Yoko Ono avant-garde from Houston. It was like No Wave Industrial noise but it was pretentious and uninteresting. The vocalist would say things like "Godddd! Fuuuuck!" into the microphone. I understand and appreciate shock value and dissonance as well as the next guy but give me a damn break.

Anyway, after talking to the Vivian Girls for a while I told Eloy I thought the opening band was terrible. "And I like DNA and Swans!" I added. He agreed and he expressed his love for DNA and Swans too. From that point we discovered we liked the exact same music. Oh man it was nerdy...we shared music recommendations all night! He also recommended a bunch of good punk bands I had (somehow) never heard before...oooohh and Hunx and His Punx who also just fucking kill it.

We said we'd keep in touch via Myspace but now I don't remember my password! Anyway, thanks Eloy!

Also one of the dudes in Ariel Pink asked me if I had any Fentanyl (I didn't because I'm not an 80-year-old lady with a broken hip and I will do a lot of shit but I'd rather stay away from heroin for fuck's sake so I'm not going to have recreational-use Fentanyl) ; this marked the second time some band guy had asked me for drugs.

13. Girls - Album

I know this is an album from this year. Maybe it won't have staying power, but as of now, I don't care. It's so emotionally raw and well-written. Are those journalist cliches? You should check out the songwriter's biography somewhere...it's ffffucked up! My favorite album of 2009 by miles. Worthy of the hype.

12. William Basinski - The Disintegration Loops

This guy is from Houston, I think. He makes loops and, as the story goes, he was converting old loops to an updated format when the tapes started to disintegrate. Did I mention he was doing this from atop his NYC apartment's roof as the World Trade Center collapsed. If you listen to the loops you can hear elements slowly fade out almost imperceptibly. There's a metaphor here, huh? RIP World Trade Center...you were the Qatsiest buildings I've ever seen.

11. J Dilla - Donuts

This shit is just ill. Jay killed himself later so there's a bunch of beautiful subtext to these tracks.

10. Electrelane - The Power Out

Awesome all-girl modern post-punk sound. Every song is immensely interesting and the collection of songs works wonderfully as an album. Eric and I always note that you can almost hear the guitar solos plucked out note by calculated note. This, we decided, is the result of a girl playing guitar. I'd rather hear these guitar things than Eric Fucking Crapton I'll tell you that! Eric Clapton, eat a bowl of dicks.

9. Super Furry Animals - Rings Around the World

I wish I had a gold tooth. Maybe when I'm 47 I can get one. Then when I die my skull will look like it's the skull of a bad ass. I mean it will be the skull of a bad ass...but without the gold toof how can you tell?

8. Belle and Sebastian - Dear Catastrophe Waitress

My introduction to this band. I listened to it when I was going through a bad breakup. For that reason it still plucks my heart straaangs. Damn that girl on the cover...is she hot or what?! Someone find her name for me. Don't let those stupid customers get you down, girl!

Mike Piazza is gay. There, I answered it for you. My dad used to love him (Piazza) but he's a big Dodgers fan and we're Italian and we Italians automatically love all famous Italians.

7. The Libertines - Up The Bracket

Punk fucking energy. It's got some artsy intelligence to it also which immediately bumps it up to post-punk status. They play the songs like they're falling down the stairs...Mark E. Smith's stairs. They're falling down Fall stairs.

6. Jim Noir - Tower of Love

Awesome songs on an awesome album composed by one man and a computer. It's not all faggy like other albums recorded by those methods. It's lush, poppy, self-deprecating and amazing. His other album, the eponymous one, is also straight up awesome. I remember watching the World Cup and they played "Eanie Meanie" from this album on a commercial. My brother and I were like "OK, Jim Noir's rich now!"

5. Clipse - Hell Hath No Fury

"You can tell me 'bout your day/ I'll pretend I'm listenin'/ And you ain't gotta' love me just be convincin'"

"I philosophize about glocks and keys/ niggas call me young, black Socrates"

"The news called it crack/ I called it Diet Coke"

This shit is like angry but it's reigned-in anger. It's all done through clenched teeth. It's intelligent rap about selling coke. Look at those lines...they're clever...about selling coke!

4. Adam Green - Friends of Mine

Sometimes I think I'm the only person in the world who likes this album. What's wrong with you bitches? Every song is catchy. All the lyrics are like randomly-compiled poetry. It's like "found art" in audio form with lyrics just cobbled together. Each song has a strong, yet obscured emotion at its heart.

3. Superdrag - In The Valley of Dying Stars

Honestly, this could easily be my number one. It probably means more to me than any of these other albums. This was the musical love of my life for a while. This is the album I bought when I saw them for the first time. I was expecting to be underwhelmed as I listened to old punk almost exclusively at that point, but I was blown away. I used to drop my high school girlfriend off at her house at like 3am and then I'd just drive around for an extra thirty minutes before going home so I could listen to this album.

2. The Exploding Hearts - Guitar Romantic

Derivative, yeah. But it's just punk you pussy. It's supposed to sound like that. I could never communicate how much I love this album. I'm sure I could employ some subitaneous reasoning and produce some sort of almost rational statement (inasmuch as an emotion statement can be considered rational) explaining my feelings for this album. But, I don't want to think about this too much. It's not an album that invites you to think. Just enjoy it! It's just everything you could ever want in a punk album. There, I said something! Happy now?! Why did this band die? Why is fucking Nickelback not dead yet? Why do I have an antagonistic relationship with the reader of this article?

1. The Strokes - Is This It?

I can't believe I'm choosing the same #1 as NME. Their list is terrible. In hindsight, I simply enjoyed this album more than I enjoyed any other album of the decade. I listened to this all the time back in the day. I chose the UK album art because it has a butt on it.

Let's try harder next decade!

with much much love,

Daniel

Valhallaaaaaaahhhh!!!!

2009-11-25T21:15:00.000-08:00

The other night when we went to Valhalla, I thought that having a campus bar would have been a great addition to my four years at Wash U. We'd talked about trekking over to Rice to check this place out for a while, but now that summer's gone and the weather is reasonably cool at night, the mile-and-a-half walk was much more pleasant that it would have been had we not delayed. Why, weather aside, did we wait so long? First off, this place only takes cash and we never have any. Secondly, when you live in a modern American city in the southern part of the country, you get accustomed to, if nothing else, easy parking. Valhalla being on Rice University's campus, free and easy parking were not guaranteed. And, since we knew we'd rather walk than deal with what would at worst be a mildly confusing search for a parking space we could use without getting towed, we kept putting it off in favor of places with known easy parking, or bars that were within close walking distance.

Last Friday night, however, was different. We set out to get some beers, but with no plan in mind, our indecisiveness was becoming frustrating as we named places that we were tired of, had beer that was too expensive, or were otherwise uncool or unworthy. A few steps onto the sidewalk, and Danny stops. I stop.

"Hey!"

"Yeah?"

"Valhaaaalla?"

"Oh shit"

So we went to Valhalla. The poorly-marked and hard-to-find subterranean watering hole at Rice where you can get a Lone Star for $0.95 or an Arrogant Bastard for $2.00. Were we dreaming? This place was surreal. The lighting was weird. The bartenders were a mix of middle-aged alumni and late-20's graduate students. The clientele looked like they all came from Wash U's Engineering school (forgive my stereotyping). A patron was even having a conversation with the bartender about chemistry...something about acids and bases. And it was pretty fantastic.

Valhalla made me wonder what Wash U would have been like if The Rat had been operational beyond freshman year. Could it have been a great place to have a few beers and some good conversation without leaving campus? Surely it wasn't always as bad as the night Thurtene tried to revive the place with the lure of some stupid free shot glasses that you had to dance like an idiot to get. I always liked the layout of The Rat, and resented replacement of the bar with Subway. Fuck Subway.

All told we spent a total of $23 between us to get pretty drunk on beer that wasn't bottom-tier. I can deal with the Rice nerds (after all, I dealt with Wash U nerds for four years), and since there's no undergraduate Business school, the douchebag contingent is surprisingly low. No bro is going to wander all the way into the center of Rice U for a few beers when Little Woodrow's, Baker St. and Bronx Bar are in the nearby Village. Valhalla, we'll be back.

Bears - 1.3; cash only,
Anti-bears: 4.0; cheap, no tools, good atmosphere, "earned" beer if you walk

RANT: Worst ad ever

2009-11-25T08:56:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVMPWlWDvsI

It literally throws me into a fit of rage.

And while I'm ranting, worst movie concept ever???
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RhY8AP806tU

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Charz

my old nemesis returns...

2009-11-18T19:02:00.000-08:00

http://www.studlife.com/news/2009/11/18/tomato-slices-slashed-from-campus-dining-menu-in-winter/?utm_source=MadMimi&utm_medium=email&utm_content=Student%20Life%20E-mail%20Edition:%20Jeff%20Smith%20gets%201%20year%20in%20prison,%20$50,000%20fine,%20Tomato%20slices%20slashed%20from%20campus%20dining&utm_campaign=Student%20Life%20E-mail%20Edition:%20Jeff%20Smith%20gets%201%20year%20in%20prison,%20$50,000%20fine,%20Tomato%20slices%20slashed%20from%20campus%20dining&utm_term=Dining%20Services%20stops%20serving%20tomato%20slices%20on%20campus,%20citing%20concerns%20over%20farmers'%20working%20conditions

What, a Jimmy Fallon link??

2009-07-27T10:43:00.000-07:00

For the SBTB fans, for which I know there are several:

http://www.hulu.com/watch/70014/late-night-with-jimmy-fallon-saved-by-the-bell-reunion-update-part-2

http://www.hulu.com/watch/76560/late-night-with-jimmy-fallon-saved-by-the-bell-reunion-update-3

Don't Let Me Down

2009-05-14T22:03:00.001-07:00

You've had a bad week. Your girlfriend left you two days back and your boss is a "reet cont." Your job in London is robbing you of your soul and the maintenance man has ignored your three requests to change your bloody light. On top of all that some twat just gave you gaff as you were leaving your flat to go off to work. Your friend in the adjacent office comes through your door in a rush and says "mate, come outside!"

You see and hear the Beatles on a nearby rooftop. Life is so worth living.

Don't let me down.

Stros suck.

2009-05-02T15:05:00.000-07:00

St. Louis Cardinals	17	8	.680	--	10-3	7-5	7-2	8-5	2-1	Lost 1	7-3
Cincinnati Reds	12	10	.545	3.5	4-7	8-3	2-4	10-6	0-0	Won 2	5-5
Chicago Cubs	12	11	.522	4.0	6-5	6-6	2-1	8-7	2-3	Won 2	4-6
Milwaukee Brewers	12	11	.522	4.0	6-5	6-6	3-3	7-5	2-3	Lost 1	8-2
Pittsburgh Pirates	11	11	.500	4.5	6-4	5-7	5-1	4-9	2-1	Lost 4	5-5
Houston Astros	9	14	.391	7.0	5-8	4-6	0-1	7-12	2-1	Lost 2	5-5

I miss you Lizzy

2009-04-25T15:17:00.000-07:00

"I could live on a drag of your cigarette"

I forgot to do this before but five years ago on April 20 Lizzy Mercier Descloux died from cancer in her native France. I love Lizzy so much and her albums Press Color from 1979 and Mambo Nassau from 1981 are two of my all time favorites. She started with a really great no wave band called Rosa Yemen and she was friends with Richard Hell and Patti Smith and stuff. Her music is post-punk-worldbeat style with a pretty, delicate French twist. Her accent just nails me. She seemed to have such a joie de vivre that I just need to hear every once in a while. She makes my life better. Did I already say that I'm so in love with her? I wish I could've met her before she left. She and I would have been so happy together. Now she's gone and I'm just going to cry for a week or so.

Abyssinia Lizzy...

The Only Ones - Another Girl, Another Planet

2009-04-19T20:46:00.000-07:00

Another song about heroin.

I always flirt with death, I look ill but I don't care about it.

Sounds like someone's in loooove! This song's about heroin...I was thinking the other day... Is the love a man feels for a drug any less valid than the more traditional love a man feels for a woman? You could be quick to judge someone for taking heroin but the feeling and the need the dude feels for it cannot be denied right? It's odd but there are so many similarities in each situation. Think about it. Something can only hurt you after you learn to love it. Irony of ironies. This, of course, applies to love for another person as well.

K that's all I gotz for ya.

Peace ya'll

Why does Woody Harrelson rule?

2009-04-12T16:21:00.000-07:00

Because of his reaction in response to allegations of assaulting a paparazzi photographer:

"I wrapped a movie called 'Zombieland,' in which I was constantly under assault by zombies, then flew to New York, still very much in character. With my daughter at the airport I was startled by a paparazzo, who I quite understandably mistook for a zombie"

nice

March Rad-ness

2009-04-01T18:07:00.000-07:00

So although it’s April, and Garz hates basketball, March Madness is undeniably still under way. But here at Charz2k, do we care who wins the NCAA title? No. What we care about is what sitcom is the most “90s.” The 90s was undeniably the golden era of the situational comedy, and it’s time to settle this question, tournament style. The selection committee has placed 32 sitcoms in 4 brackets: NBC Must See TV, “Lessons Learned,” Black, and Other 90s Classics. The competition was stiff, but without further ado, the competitors, with their seeding:

Must See TV Bracket:

1. Seinfeld
2. Friends
3. Mad About You
4. Wings
5. Caroline in the City
6. Just Shoot Me
7. Suddenly Susan
8. Veronica’s Closet

Lessons Learned Bracket:

1. Saved by the Bell
2. Full House
3. Step by Step
4. Home Improvement
5. Boy Meets World
6. Dinosaurs
7. California Dreams
8. Hang Time

Black Bracket:

1. The Fresh Price of Bel-Air
2. Family Matters
3. Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper
4. Martin
5. A Different World
6. The Wayans Brothers
7. Living Single
8. Malcolm and Eddie

Other 90s Classics Bracket:

1. Rosanne
2. Frasier
3. Blossom
4. The Nanny
5. Grace Under Fire
6. Married With Children
7. News Radio
8. Herman’s Head

As always, there were some bubble shows that just missed the cut. The bubble consisted of:

Ellen (pfft)
Parker Louis Can’t Lose (classic, but got inspiration from 80s movie)
Perfect Strangers (too much of series in 80s)
Salute your Shorts (I didn’t have cable as a child)
Clarissa Explains it All (see above reason)

The tournament is single elimination. Let Round 1 Commence!

Must See TV Region:

1. Seinfeld vs 8. Veronica's Closet
WINNER: Seinfeld!
2. Friends vs 7. Suddenly Susan
WINNER: Friends!
3. Mad About You vs 6. Just Shoot Me
WINNER: Mad About You!
4. Wings vs 5 Caroline in the City
WINNER: Wings

RECAP: No need to go into detail on any of these. The first round of the Must See bracket was not very "must see-" no surprises here.

Lessons Learned Region:

1. Saved by the Bell vs 8. Hang Time
WINNER: Saved by the Bell! Hang Time is pretty damn 90s, but this Peter Engel knock off cannot compete with the original. I can still sing the theme song to Hang Time in my head though... which is surprising, since I have literally not thought about this series once in the last 9 years.
2. Full House vs 7. California Dreams
WINNER: Full House! California Dreams is in the same league as Hang Time, trying to go up against an elite 90s powerhouse. Uncle Jesse rocks harder than the entire California Dreams band- 'nuff said.
3. Step by Step vs 6. Dinosaurs
WINNER: Step by Step! In the closest match of the tourney so far, Step by Step nudges out Dinosaurs by... a step. Patrick Duffy and Susanne Summers vs "I'm the baby, gotta love me!" Wow, so much 90s in this match up, for an early round match.
4. Home Improvement vs Boy Meets World
WINNER: Home Improvement! This one starts close, but Tim, Al, and the gang easily pull ahead late. 3 letters: J T T.

RECAP: An exciting round of action, although no upsets yet.

Black Region:

1. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air vs 8. Malcolm and Eddie
WINNER: The Fresh Prince! Malcolm and Eddie was a pity selection, inspired by Garz. Uncle Phil throws them both out of the house at the same time.
2. Family Matters vs 7. Living Single
WINNER: Family Matters! A show about women friends can't possibly win in this tourney.
3. Hangin' with Mr. Cooper vs 6. The Wayans Brothers
WINNER: Coop! The Wayans are so 90s, but I'd rather Hang with Mark Curry.
4. Martin vs 5. A Different World
WINNER: Marrrrrtttiiin! I never much cared for a Different World. Martin wins easily.

RECAP: No surprises... on to the final first round match ups!

90s Classics Region:

1. Rosanne vs 8. Herman's Head
WINNER: Rosanne! Herman's head put forth a noble effort, but it was going up against a freight train in Rosanne.
2. Frasier vs 7. News Radio
WINNER: News Radio! In the biggest first round upset of the tournament, News Radio takes down the long-running and popular Frasier! How did this happen??! 2 names: Andy Dick and Phil Hartman... now THEY are 90s!
3. Blossom vs 6. Married... With Children
WINNER: Blossom! Woah!
4. The Nanny vs 5. Grace Under Fire
WINNER: Grace Under Fire! We probably remember Fran Drescher most vividly, but Grace Under Fire was just so formulaicly 90s.

Survivors:

1. Seinfeld, 2. Friends, 3. Mad About You, 4. Wings
1. Saved by the Bell, 2. Full House, 3. Step by Step, 4. Home Improvement
1. The Fresh Prince, 2. Family Matters, 3. Hangin' with Mr. Cooper, 4. Martin
1. Rosanne, 7. News Radio, 3. Blossom, 5. Grace Under Fire

Round 2!!!

1. Seinfeld vs 4. Wings
WINNER:
WINGS! Wow, what an upset! Seinfeld dethroned! Seinfeld is one of the most influential comedy shows of all time, and does have a 90s feel. So how did it get beaten by Wings??? Watch an episode sometime... you'll see why.

2. Friends vs 3. Mad About You
WINNER: Mad About You! Happy 52nd birthday Paul Reiser! You and Helen Hunt have been deemed more 90s than Ross, Rachel, and the gang. While in Peru recently, I watched both an episode of Friends, and an episode of Mad About You. Mad About You is so fucking 90s it's unbelievable. Nice win!

1. Saved by the Bell vs 4. Home Improvement
WINNER: Saved by the Bell! Two 90s titans collide. I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so... Scared! Congrats Saved by the Bell. I think you have just possibly established yourself as a tourney favorite. You took down the Tool man without batting an eye. You fucked Wilson the hell up. Look at this image! 90s 90s 90s! Honestly, Home Improvement was beaten on the open credits of SBTB alone. That credit sequence and song screams 1990s!

2. Full House vs 3. Step by Step
WINNER: Step by Step! Many considered Full House a tourney favorite. Michelle, Danny Tanner, Uncle Joey, Uncle Jesse, Kimmy, Stephanie. Wow, how did Full House lose? This match was tight all the way. But never underestimate Patrick Duffy, Susanne Summers, and a family full of stereotypical formulaic characters! And look at that photo... very 90s!

1. The Fresh Prince vs 4. Martin
WINNER: The Fresh Prince! Martin was great, but this is the Prince we're talking about here!

2. Family Matters vs 3. Hangin' with Mr. Cooper
WINNER: Family Matters! Urkel. 'Nuff said.

1. Rosanne vs 5. Grace Under Fire
WINNER: Rosanne!

Grace Under Fire was lucky to make it this far. Rosanne is very 90s. One of the highest rated shows of the 90s. Grace Under Fire... pshh, get outa here.

3. Blossom vs 7. News Radio
WINNER: Blossom!
Look at that cast! Move over Andy Dick, THAT'S what the 90s are about! I could go for a special episode of Blossom right about now!

The Elite Eight:

Mad About You vs Wings
Saved by the Bell vs Step by Step
The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air vs Family Matters
Blossom vs Rosanne

Eight fantastic teams remain... how will this finish?! Well, that's up for YOU to decide. I challenge a 2k contributor to finish this tournament! I have my vision of how it ends, but I want to see yours! (and this needs a fresh mind... this was really exhausting)

Good luck, and I can't wait to see who wins the tournament!

Golden Brown

2009-03-26T21:40:00.000-07:00

Golden brown texture like sun
Lays me down with my mind she runs
Throughout the night
No need to fight
Never a frown with golden brown

Every time just like the last
On her ship tied to the mast
To distant lands
Takes both my hands
Never a frown with golden brown

Golden brown finer temptress
Through the ages she's heading

West
From far away
Stays for a day
Never a frown with golden brown

Never a frown
With golden brown
Never a frown
With golden brown

Wow, what a cool song. With that mysterious evil carnival organ and the barely veiled lyrics, The Stranglers wrote this one with a purpose. "Le'es righ' a song 'bout 'eroin 'ey can play on th' radio, eh?", right? It'd take a moron to not figure out what this song is about after about two seconds of vocals. Belt your arm, make a fist, pop in the needle, and watch that tea-toned river of impending immediate and visceral pleasure course its way down the thin clear tube and into your soul. I know you can see it, but can you feel it?

No. Idiot.

I don't mean to be an asshole, and if you've never experienced the substance that could be responsible for inspiring such a perfectly-crafted and poetic pop song, you are forgiven and are not a moron (at least not due to misinterpreting this song).

Those who know me know I do not have an addictive personality, but rarely does a song about a dangerous intoxicant chill me to the core as much as this one does.

And as thinly veiled as the song's lyrical subtext, so is the underlying subject of this review:

That's right! It's a Chick-fil-a chicken biscuit.

"Throughout the night, never a fight, never a frown, with golden brown." There's nothing better than waking up from a nightmare and realizing that once 6:30 rolls around you are on your way to breakfast bliss. Throw a little honey on it for comfort, but make no mistake, this sandwich stands on its own.

And beware the temptation of imitations, as they are a trap by demons to fool the weak.

4.999 anti-bears.
4.5 bears, due to unavailability between 10:30 am and 6:30 am the next day, and all day Sunday.

Fantasy Baseball

2009-03-22T18:09:00.000-07:00

The draft for the Charz2k Fantasy Baseball League is tomorrow! If you wish to be a part of it, you must sign up as soon as possible. Here are the stats:

Website: http://baseball.fantasysports.yahoo.com/league/charz2k
The League ID#: 136277
The password is: Chuck Knoblauch
(it's best to just copy and paste)

The draft is tomorrow night at 9:30 CDT! SO SIGN UP!

March Madness

2009-03-19T13:42:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if charz2k still does good old-fashioned concert reviews anymore, but I'll try throwing one out there. This post involves a concert AND a decent roadtrip, hence the March Madness title. I don't like basketball enough to write about it.

I caught the Black Lips last night in Lawrence, KS, which was obviously a good show. Lawrence is four hours away, so I started out at noon yesterday. There is a local radio station that was awesome in 6th grade but not too grand these days; nevertheless, they do a "Flashback Lunch" hour from 12-1 which is pretty cool and it was a rare time that I got to hear all the old songs that you completely forget but miraculously come right back to your memory. Yesterday's program included Green Day's "Nice Guys Finish Last"; the Breeders' "Last Splash"; Eels' "Novocaine for the Soul"; and Weezer's "My Name is Jonas." It was a good start to the trip.

So the road up to Lawrence is just two lane highway pretty much all the way, which is awesome. I like looking at the country and going through all the little old towns. Check out the sweet courthouse building in Ottawa, KS; I totally pulled a Garz to stop and take a photograph:

Anyways, I got to Lawrence and found a pretty tasty Italian place to eat at, and the waitress knew of a good record store that I hit up before the show, which was at the Bottleneck, a bar/hole-in-the-wall type joint. Simply put, I'm jealous of you guys who will get to see them at SXSW, because we all know how good they are. Things kicked off with "Sea of Blasphemy," which, along with "Fairy Stories," "Buried Alive," and "Juvenile," I think sounds ten times better live than on record. The high points for me were "Short Fuse," which comes across as slightly more "punk" rather than "Nuggets" sounding like on the new album, and of course "Cold Hands," which is arguably their best song. My new favorite live song is "Time of the Scab," which is in Spanish and involves Jared shouting out Spanish phrases right before the guitars kick in with their main lick. I don't know Spanish so when I sing in the car I have to make up my own phrases ("Tostitos!"; "Arriba!"; "El Garzo!"). Other songs that I normally don't like that much, like "Hippie, Hippie, Hoorah," are completely enjoyable live by the time Cole adds all his useless, pointless sound effects and theatrics.

My only bears to give to this show were that I don't think they played as long as they normally would, because they had to get on the road to SXSW, which was kind of a bummer. Other than that, I think they remain my favorite current band. Despite their stage antics, in seeing them twice now I never have felt like they are gimmicky. It would almost seem disingenuous if Cole didn't get on stage wearing a white smock and a buckle-at-the-front pilgrim hat.

Anyways, I started my drive back to Oklahoma this morning, and what seemed to be crackling through the static on my radio right around Coffeyville, KS? Another Flashback Lunch? What luck: the Cult's "She Sells Sanctuary"; Poe's "Angry Johnny"; "Longview" and "Rock the Casbah" were the highlights (in contrast, the first song after the Flashback Lunch was something by the All-American Rejects). 4.5 anti-bears / 2.1 bears (no "Boomerang"?)

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li

2009-03-03T05:34:00.000-08:00

I can remember the first time I played Street Fighter II: My friend Ellis' birthday party back in 4th grade. Eventually we had to implement a "no dhalsim" policy, because back then we could not defeat dhalsim's long limb attacks. The game blew my mind. Street Fighter II was THE game... until next year's birthday party, when Mortal Kombat came out.

Anyways, movies adapted from video games are generally not very good. When I see a movie based on a game, I typically want a high camp-factor, with lots of cartoonish action. Both Mortal Kombat films provided this, as did the classic Street Fighter movie with Jean Claude Van Damme as Guile. But unfortunately, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (SFLCL) did not. Let me state plainly: DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE. I expected a movie with a 0% Rotten Tomatoes Rating to have a "so bad it's funny" element. There was very little funny about this movie. It was just unbearable.

Problem 1: Very little action. For a movie called street fighter, there was maybe one street fight that lasted like 1 minute? Uggh.

Problem 2: Too much plot and charater development. We don't give a shit about that- show us some people beating the crap out of each other! And if you are going that route, at LEAST make it interesting.

Problem 3: A retarded side plot. The movie had two main story lines going on. First there was Chun-Li attempting to find her father. Secondly, there was an INTERPOL cop and a Bangkok cop teamed up trying to bring down Bison. Way too much time was spent on these cops. We don't give a shit about that!

Problem 4: Not enough Street Fighter charaters. There was Chun-Li, Bison, Balrog, and Vega (briefly). That's it. I mean, come on! You were in frickin Thailand, at least have Sagat.

Problem 5: Horrible casting. Bison: Band of Brother's Lt. Buck Compton. He's just some white American dude who doesn't even know martial arts, making the final showdown totally lame. Chun-Li: Smallville's Lana Lane. She's not even fully Chinese! Chun-Li is from China. I know that, because on the game you fight her on the streets of China. She is not half-Chinese, born in San Francisco. Balrog: Michael Clarke Duncan. Okay, this one was a good choice. But I wonder why he got involved in this pile of crap. Stupid INTERPOL cop: American Pie's "Oz." Man, this guy cannot act! He was just painful to watch. And the "chemistry" between him and the Bangkok hot girl cop was so not there.

I did though like that Chun-Li's teacher was the guy who played Liu Kang in the Mortal Kombat movies. Nice crossover. And when Chun-Li fought Bison, she hit him with a bicycle kick- an homage to Liu Kang's signature move, perhaps???

So do not see SFLCL. Please do not see it! See anything else instead. The movie sets up for a sequel, with Liu Kang telling Chun-li that he's heard of a good fighter in Japan named Ryu. God I hope they don't make that movie. Perhaps a better route would be a sitcom with Zangief, Ken, E Honda, and a hilarious nerd sharing a small Brooklyn apartment and chasing girls. I'd watch!

Yes, Dear

2009-02-27T12:16:00.000-08:00

Yes, Dear is on TBS right now. Is there one single person who would be flipping through the channels and would think "YES! Yes, Dear is on!"? I guess it's possible, but why put it on a network where they could just as easily show another episode of Seinfeld instead of this crippled warthog of a show?

Yes, Dear should be quarantined on a network that's strictly opt-in, so we wouldn't even have to ponder the ways TBS could better use that time slot. Just think, if they made this network we would have an isolated list of the most worthless members of society that we could use to either eradicate them or turn them into some sort of super weapon that's effective because it annoys the enemy into submission.

If you're interested in subscribing, you'll also have access to all your favorites, including, but not limited to, Still Standing, Grace Under Fire, Mama's Family, Joey, and in a marathon every Friday, According to Jim.

This reminds me of when I came back to Houston once and I had seen some terrible show on the plane that I could only describe as "the worst sitcom I have ever seen." Danny's guess was that it was Still Standing. He was right.

St. Arnold

2009-02-25T20:20:00.000-08:00

This man is the patron saint of brewers. You know all those awesome trappist ales out there? You see the brewing process eliminates all bad pathogens in water. God only knows how the other monks reacted to all the beer at their monastery. God only knows what I'd be without you. Next time you enjoy a delicious beer (let me recommend the scabrously dark St. Bernardus) say a prayer of thanks to old St. Arnold. Remember that you are dust and to dust you shall return.

St. Anthony

2009-02-25T01:27:00.000-08:00

This man was a saint and he was Catholic. He was a friend to all children and he loved animals. St. Anthony loved dogs. In conclusion, if you ever lose something you should pray to St. Anthony.

February 24th is a Holiday?

2009-02-24T14:46:00.001-08:00

Um, someone must be playing a joke on me? Because if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: Christmas is in December. Yet for some reason when I awoke today, it was like Christmas morning for a kid in February. I was in a gleeful frenzy as I jumped out of bed in my footed pajamas. Today is the day of the new Black Lips release!

What's all this about Christmas though? After all, everyone knows one Black Lips album does not make an entire Christmas. Well, let me finish. When I opened my e-mail up, lo and behold! First, an e-mail about a new Grateful Dead show to be released in April?! Pre-order that! Second, a notice that my comic-book picture Bible shipped in the mail? (Yeh, I had one as a kid and ordered another, those things are cool). Can't wait! It was quite overwhelming, really, to think all these things awaited me on the same morning. But the kicker: it wasn't over! I next read the e-mail from Garz about the charz2k fantasy baseball league! That's like when you think you opened your last gift on Christmas and then realize that you still have the stuff in your stocking left, where your mom wrapped up a package of Mach3 razorblades, Bic ballpoint pens, and Reese's peanut butter trees. The icing on the cake, so to speak!

Well, turning to the Black Lips, I am big on "Album Release Day," meaning I like to wait to actually get the CD the day it comes out. I don't like to download things early or hear all the new tunes on the internet first. It is a rare day that I get to look forward to a new release and am actually able to get it the day it comes out- my feeble memory recalls maybe going to a midnight release of a Dandy Warhols album with Garz, and before that I remember getting STP's third album right when it hit the shelves in 6th grade. So this was a red-letter day even before it turned into Christmas.

Rewind to 2006; the Black Lips were playing Conan (a fortuitous allusion to the post below) and I had taped it so I could watch them, after all, they were a band I hadn't heard yet but one of those that Garz "said was good" which means they might be good. (Keep in mind, I knew Garz to listen to Hilary and Haylie Duff in college). But anyways, I watched the tape and was instantly online ordering all their albums before they even got to the second chorus.

This only increased my excitement for today, so during my two hour break I pop into the record store asking for the CD, only to find they had some delay in shipment and it won't be in until tomorrow. Bear! Well, Ok, I'll sell out and go to Norman's Best Buy. Double Bear! They had a delay, too! What is going on here? Who's trying to rain on my parade on Album Release Day? But as the dude is checking in his computer, I see that the Best Buy in Oklahoma City got a shipment in. Well, I have less than an hour and a half before class now, and OKC is a bit of a ways at least up the highway. What to do? What a prisoner's dilemma! Now I have been called stupid, idiotic, baseless, irrational, and dimwitted many times, and I saw this as my chance to prove myself. Of course I sped up the highway to OKC to get a copy!

I'll conclude that I really like this album. I don't know why a bunch of people seem to be giving it the "good but not great" review, like this album doesn't "break any new ground," but I don't even care much. I feel too old now to be the idealist who keeps looking for the earth-shattering, rock 'n roll saving album, or the new standard in creativity that everyone raves about, because it either isn't going to happen or, when people think they've found it, it'll end up sounding like the Fleet Foxes, in which case spare me. I listened to this thing in-between classes on a CD Walkman, true story.

Look! It's Indiana Jones!!!!!!!!!

Late Night with Conan O'brien

2009-02-21T17:24:00.001-08:00

I just wanted to say a short something about the end of Late Night with Conan O'brien. First of all, the last several episodes are on Hulu, so go watch them! Conan was a mainstay back among "the guys" in the sophomore/junior years at WashU. Since I moved out to DC, I haven't really watched much because he's on so late. But he's definitely been the best talk show host that I can think of in my lifetime. Way better than Leno, Letterman, Kimmel, etc. It'll be nice to have him on at an earlier hour, but I hope that he doesn't tone down his humor to the dumber 11:30 audience.

Good luck in L.A. Conan!

A 2k challenge!

2009-02-18T07:33:00.000-08:00

Dear charz2k contributors. I, Charz, am announcing a challenge to you: the Madea Goes to Jail Challenge! If you are able to go to Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail, sit through the entire film, and write a detailed review on the movie and experience, I will personally mail you a check for the cost of the ticket.

Rules: There can be only one winner. You are on your honor. It has to be during opening weekend, and a sketchy theater is preferred although not required. You may also double it up with Fired Up, and get TWO ticket reimbursements... but they must be seen consecutively.

Good luck,
charz

New Simpsons Opening Credit Sequence

2009-02-17T18:14:00.000-08:00

So I'm sure I'm the only one here who actually watched the most recent Simpsons episode, but I was shocked to find that they had just changed the opening title sequence for the first time ever. The Simpsons is approaching drinking age... maybe it was time for a change? Well the purist in me says no way, you can't change the opening! It's classic! The other side of me says who the hell cares, the current simpsons is the same as classic simpsons in name only. The bottom line is, the opening credits aren't that important- it's about the episode itself. And why was I watching the simpsons? The flu kept me inside all weekend, and my cable was on the fritz. This left Hulu as my entertainment option (and comedy central for some reason which worked, but there's only so much Larry the Cable Guy stand up one can take). So after watching 5 conans (which only has a few eps left), some south park, some family guy, and some its always sunny in philly, I gave in and watched the newest simpsons. As expected, it was better than WashU-era simpsons, but worse than the golden era... that's kinda the calibre to be expected these days, which is a bit sad, but I can at least be entertained, unlike a few years ago when I'd just get enraged.

Anyways, here's the new opening credits:

http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/2009/02/in-case-you-mis.html

What do you think?

Looking Forward to Baseball: 2k Interviews A-Rod!

2009-02-16T18:16:00.001-08:00

Well, baseball season is less than two months away, and here at 2k, we can hardly wait. To get us ready for opening day, New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez has kindly sat down with us for an exclusive interview.

2k: Hi A-Rod. Thanks for interviewing with us. We don't usually get high profile athletes wanting anything to do with our site.

A-Rod: Hey no problem, no problem. I read your site all the time. I really liked that Renwick Art Gallery piece. When I went there, I got a whole bunch of those Game Fish for my teammates for souvenirs. They love those things.

2k: Yeh, yeh, well, speaking of souvenirs, you know we are excited about getting back to the ballpark this spring for some Major League games. I've never caught a foul ball at a game though. Any suggestions?

A-Rod: Hey man, first thing is that you can't be afraid of the ball. Some of those come flying in there. I recommend maybe

bringing your glove to the game. Sometimes I even take mine out

to third base with me, it really helps. Otherwise I just kind of

squinch my face up and let the left-fielder deal with it. Oh and I

hate it when you catch a foul ball and there's some little kid next to you and everyone makes you feel guilty for not giving it to him.

Don't fall for that kind of stuff.

2k: Thanks A-Rod. I really appreciate that. What I hate, though, is when you get to your seats and there is that big fat crazy fan drinking beer with their shirt off on a hot summer day. What do you do about that?

A-Rod: Dude, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Take your shirt off, too. I think you'll find that they are really friendly in the long run. Just try to relax, have a good time, and I think you can get along with them. Red Sox fans, Cubs fans, and even Astro fans are the most gentle, really, if you just let them be.

2k: Thanks A-Rod. I think I know what you mean. I guess what we're all dying to know next is what your favorite ballpark food is?

A-Rod: Well it's gotta be the hotdog. I'm too lazy to actually go to the concession stand though, and the worst part about it is trying to flag down the vendor walking in the aisles. (2K shows him photo). Oh, yeah, you have a picture! Yeah, see what I mean? I'm hollering at the top of my lungs here and waving my bat, and the hot dog guy still ignores me. Typical New Yorker. John Rocker was right.

2k: The fans really seem to like you though, A-Rod.

A-Rod: Oh yeah. I love them, and they love me. I love to see myself

on the front page every day. I mean they should love me. I was happily taking steroids down in Texas and I gave that all up to come here. Those photographers are sneaky though. They snapped this one right as Giambi was accusing me of getting into his stash.

2k: I can't even imagine. Can't even imagine. How do you deal with the pressures? New York? The Big Apple? Madonna? What a stage. Always in the spotlight. I don't think I could handle it. Charz2k would die for that kind of fanfare. How do you handle it.

A-Rod: I know. And let me be the first to tell you. Baseball isn't all just fun

and games. People think that you are just a big prima donna and you go out there and get paid millions and millions of dollars to play something everyone played in high school while you make working class fans pay $150 for a ticket to the game. But it's not fun and games. I work as hard as anyone at what I do. You try it. I stay focused 162 games a year, and I hang around until the 4th inning of the All-Star Game. You try it and see how it feels. From the moment I walk onto that field for batting practice, you have to be locked in.

2k: Sounds like a tough life, to hear it out of your own mouth. Well, how about those Red Sox? What a rivalry, huh?

A-Rod: Oh I know. They're all queer up there. Remember that
play in the 7th game of the 2004 ALCS, when they came back from three games to none to beat us in the series? Bronson Arroyo was trying to feel me up on the first base line. Most people tried to blame me for cheating by swatting the ball out of his hand, but c'mon, I think we all know how Boston people are.

2k: OK but is that a purse on your arm?

A-Rod: Duh. No wonder charz2k hasn't hit the big time yet.

2k: Well A-Rod, last question. How does the steroid newsbreak affect your legacy as a future hall-of-famer?

A-Rod: It's hard, 2k, it's hard. I mean, what are they going to put on the permanent plaque? Will it be "A-Roid," or "A-R*D"? I am kind of partial to the first one, personally. As for my legacy as a Yankee? It won't matter a bit. I am a ballplayer that produces. They don't call me Mr. July for nothing.

2k: Thank you A-Rod.

The Smithsonian Renwick Art Gallery

2009-02-11T17:49:00.000-08:00

Many non-DCers may not know, but there are many Smithsonian museums in addition to the more well-known ones like US History/Air and Space. I went to one of these for the first time today- The Renwick Art Gallery. Although small, it was pretty cool. Here are my favorite 3 pieces:

This is called "breast trophy." I think it's fairly self-explanatory.

Next, there's the Game Fish. I liked it so much, I even bought a Game Fish mug at the gift shop.

It's a fish, made of games! I know it's small, but some of its parts include gumby, yoyos, dice, dominoes, scrabble tiles, etc. And this game fish is armed! As in, it has an arm, holding a dart.

Finally, my favorite was "ghost clock"

At first I was like- WTF, is this seriously a grandfather clock with a sheet draped over it? Then I read the blurb, and it was like "at first glance this may appear to be a grandfather clock with a sheet draped on top of it..." Like it read my mind! In actually, that's not a sheet. The "sheet" and the base of the clock are all the same substance, from the same piece of mahogony. Cool!

Franz Ferdinand - Tonight: Franz Ferdinand

2009-02-04T10:58:00.000-08:00

The third posthumously released solo effort from Franz Ferdinand is yet another marvel of songwriting from the father of rock 'n' roll. This album is (yet again) the very definition of an anachronism. Born a fortunate little rich boy, Franz Ferdinand was heir presumptive to the Austro-Hungarian throne. He was a noted lazy fuck who took little interest in the matters of governance. At the time of his death in the early 20th century, his songwriting was completely unappreciated. Indeed, record executives withheld these recordings until the time was deemed right. The people of 1908, more concerned with milking cows and avoiding bombs, were simply not prepared to handle the music recorded by the Archduke.

I just want to know exactly how a single, seemingly artless shithead like Franz Ferdinand could father the post-punk (and by extension, punk, and by further extension, rock and roll in general) sound. We'll never understand. Either way, this is Franz's third album. All three of his albums are absolutely seminal by the way. Even if you don't like the music per se, it is a necessary purchase if the reader wishes to truly appreciate the roots of rock music. In short, this album is indescribably essential for all lovers of rock music and historians alike.

Rumor has it this music was used to torture prisoners back in WWI. While it did not violate the rights of the prisoners, it was a clever loophole. So blown were the prisoners' minds that each and every prison camp was driven to mass ritual suicide. This is why the death toll is so high for WWI. While this is just a rumor, many historians now accept it as fact.

Anti-Bears: 3.2 - the music is merely decent in our modern context...but 5.0 anti- bears could be rewarded based only on the cultural, musical, punky implications found herein. I'm not going to take those things into consideration so, yeah, 3.2 anti-bears is the score.

Bears: 1.914 - Bummer alert! This album inspired Franz Ferdinand's assassination. Get this: Mark David Chapman is to John Lennon as Gavrilo Princip is to Franz Ferdinand. One bear has been subtracted as many historians believe the death of Franz Ferdinand spurred the First World War (and I think that's awesome). The man started the coolest music genre AND the coolest war. Gas masks, black and white photographs, battles on the African front, Everything getting all quiet on some western front, mustard gas, those shitty early tanks, stick grenades, funny navy hats, trenches, razor-wire, machine guns, blood, guts, decapitation, Hitler as war hero, British accents.....that's my music.

Dreaming About Girls in Cars

2009-01-25T18:41:00.001-08:00

So, school has resumed. Besides being a general bear, it means more reading, more work, more biting my nails in class in anxiety. It also means I will be spending more time on the turnpike each week driving back and forth between Norman and Tulsa.

I'll be honest. When I am passing cars on the highway, I imagine some really good looking girl driving in the car nearby. I picture a different girl based on what car she is driving, and I am invariably wrong every time. Does anyone else do this? I will now relay my experiences based on each car model. The "anti-bears" are for potential/expectation value of who I envision behind the wheel. The "bear" points are rewarded for the harshness of reality.

Model #1: The Chevy Malibu.
Let's start with your basic car, so obviously this will be driven by your basic, regular-day hot chick, which is Kelly Kapowski. "Malibu" makes me think they must be heading to the beach, even though there aren't any in Oklahoma. Kelly Kapow-wow-wow-ski = 3.8 anti-bears.

But, as I pull alongside, who will be driving? None other than Screech himself! Always pans out that way, and always will. As I type this, a Screech quotation from an episode I can't remember comes to mind, and that is "Always a guinea pig, never a guinea." Well now I know what he meant. 3.8 bears.

Model #2: The Volkswagen Jetta.
This to me is likely to be driven by your good-looking indie rock girl. Maybe they are in a band or someone you see at a concert. They might even look really strange, like have weird-colored hair or something but for some reason they're just attractive. They're probably English majors and/or vegetarians. Basically, if you pass a Jetta, you have a chance of passing a car full of the Pipettes. I don't know anything about this band other than Garz said he liked them at one point, and that they possibly even broke up or got new members. I wouldn't have reason to know that info just by passing them on the road. 4.1 anti-bears.

So, I breeze by the Jetta, and lo and behold! It's Jerry Garcia driving it! Well, I probably got the vegetarian part right, but these Jettas are always so deceptive. You can bet the farm it'll be some hippie or slacker college guy (or Dan). I think if Garz grew a beard he could pull this look off. Would be 4.3 bears, but if they wave like that then I reduce it to 3.3 bears.

Model #3: The Honda SUV.
I don't know what started the SUV rage, but if I see one on the highway, I immediately think old high school Christina Aguilera from sophomore year. Some good-looking sorority-type girl, basically. If you're right, the payoff is usually pretty good. 4.5 anti-bears.

But, big surprise. Why would I set my hopes so high? These are always inevitably driven by Tom Anderson everytime, which is probably why I am passing them in the first place because they are going so slow. Look for the handicapped tag in the rearview mirror. Maybe I'll see Beavis and Butthead in a stolen Honda SUV sometime. At least Beavis is a blonde.

Model #4: The BMW.
!!!!! Hot chick alert !!!!! is what these things scream, no matter what the color. I'm aiming high with Mary Elizabeth Winstead here. All I know about her is she was in Live Free or Die Hard and was the only reason I sat through Tarantino's Grindhouse movie because she was in it. 5.0 anti-bears.

Wrecked! As you pull up alongside, it's just a multi-millionaire thirty-year old man who's going to a modelling shoot in his kick-around car for the weekend. It's A-Rod! 5.0 bears.

Model #5: The Ferrari.
No doubt, every time I pass one of these, I bet all my chips on seeing Christie Brinkley from Vacation, with her hair in the wind, waking me up just before I fall asleep of boredom. 4.7 anti-bears. Who else could possibly be driving such an automobile? I have to speed up and find out...

I just got pimped!

Joe Flacco

2009-01-18T16:49:00.000-08:00

=Anton Newcombe with a haircut!

My Favorite Part of the Holidays

2008-12-24T10:23:00.000-08:00

These days celebrity voice-overs are all over commercials. From Gene Hackman and Jeff Bridges lending their trustworthy tones to Lowe’s and Duracell ads to Queen Latifah’s sassy Pizza Hut spots, you can’t turn on the TV without hearing a familiar voice. While some of these celebrity voice-overs can never save a bad commercial, others simply make the ad. With that being said, I present to you my favorite part of the holidays: Steve Buscemi and Norm MacDonald as gingerbread men.

Anti-Bears: 4.2. This ad is pure marketing genius! I still laugh every time I see it.

Bears: 2.3. What happened the these guys’ careers? The most common comment on Youtube is, “HEY isnt that the voice of Death from Family GUy!? LOL.” O-M-G. fo realz.

Surely this disproves the impending apocalypse

2008-12-21T18:14:00.000-08:00

For years I've occasionally taken a minute out of my extremely mundane trips to Target for shampoo and shaving cream to take a trip back into childhood, or to at least consider how much more fun I'd be having if the purpose of my trip were to buy toys and not toiletries. After the very first of these trips I even became a bit jaded on these fantasies, because, let's face it, toys these days suck. All of the airplanes are made of cheap plastic, the action figures are too gimmicky, and there are many media reference points I just don't get.

When I was a kid, the only toys I really really actually cared about were Legos. There's no need to explain why they were so great because it's become something of a common ground for my generation. My brother, Danny, Danny's brother, and I would spend entire days and sometimes weeks doing nothing but constructing and deconstructing modern towns, pirate towns, and space towns, and sometimes combining for hybrid modern pirate space towns with airplanes battling the Caribbean Clipper and some crazy Blacktron soldiers using laser beams to restore order. I don't actually think we deviated from the themes that much, but hey, anything's possible.

If you go into the Lego aisle at Target today, there's still some town stuff but for the most part all the sets have stupid movie tie-ins. I don't give a shit about Star Wars or Indiana Jones or Harry Potter; just give me the classics. Unfortunately, it was beginning to look like the classics were done for. In the spirit of Christmas and holiday cheer and all that I fought off something like forty two shoppers and their nine million kids just to get into the aisle and I almost broke down and cried because of how terrible the sets were. Indiana Jones and Star Wars.

As I fought my way back out of the crowd to price-scan one of these abominations ($39.99 for a Spongebob house thing) I saw something on and endcap that made me weep for almost the exact opposite reason. I present to you, the Charz2k readership (and more importantly, directly to the contributors herein), the triumphant return of Lego Pirates:

Anti-bears: 5. 5 fucking anti-bears.

Bears: 2.6. Lego, what took you so fucking long?

SNL's Andy Samberg (kind of) endorses the Charz2k rating system

2008-12-16T17:06:00.000-08:00

Copied from Pitchfork:

Samberg: It's funny, I was having this discussion the other day about how, on Pitchfork and Stereogum and likeminded places, the best and the worst of the year are always pretty much the same bands, which is so indicative of sort of the tone of it all.

Schaffer: It was "Most Overrated slash Best."

Samberg: Oh right, on Stereogum, all the overrated bands were also the top bands of the year.

Pitchfork: People confuse the overrated bands for the most underrated as well.

Schaffer: They were literally saying, "This was the best!" and giving it its overrated quality and then going, "Unh, it's so overrated" like on the very next page.

Pitchfork: But then the next day, since everyone said it was overrated, it's now underrated.

[Laughter.]

Schaffer: As if someone is keeping it on a scale, the "rated" scale, ready to knock shit down when it gets too big and ready to build it up when it gets too small.

Ed.- I'm not exactly sure our rating system combats this phenomenon. It definitely clarifies things though. See we are totally objective -or at least we rate art without considering anything else but the art itself- in rating things (The Anti-Bear scale) but we still leave room to paradoxically subjectively rate it in an unrelated,objective scale(Anti-Bear Scale). Nah, see I think Stereogum and Pitchfork and shit kind of have to be self-referential...they're the source of overratedness. honestly they need to stop shitting on things they helped build up. I mean we don't have to be all meta and whatnot. We rate the content and then we rate the bullshit surrounding the content, the content's effect on the community, etc. We can call something good and then hate on the people who like it and then just leave it alone. We can quantify the unquantifiable. On one hand it seems like we're perpetuating Andy's complaint. But on the other hand, we're doing it more objectively. Does any of this make sense? My mind is fried; this is an infinite regress. I'm so confused.

And Andy Samberg and the Lonely Island's new SNL Digital Short "Jizz In My Pants" is funny enough to earn it 3.2 Anti-Bears.

But my girlfriend has a crush on Andy Samberg and, let me tell you, that's kind of a bear! 2.4 Bears to be exact.

Happy Birthday Garz!

2008-12-14T06:10:00.001-08:00

The single funniest moment in the history of The Simpsons

2008-12-06T10:42:00.000-08:00

Am I right?

To be clear I'm talking about the very moment we see the pogs, not the dialogue preceding it.
Could Alf be doing more perfect poses?
Could the expressions be any better?
"Look at me I'm shaving!"
It's Alf.

The only thing wrong is being left with the insatiable desire to see the pogs below.

Boomer Sooner.

2008-11-24T14:03:00.000-08:00

First of all, what is with all of the 2k postings lately? It's like a Thanksgiving feast of articles to chomp on!!! Yes, man! I hope we don't have to go to the dentist!

I'm the bear here bringing this around to sports, which have no bearing on the cool indie music scene. Unless you count when stadiums play "Welcome to the Jungle" when someone comes up to bat. Congrats to Axl by the way on the new album. I have to quickly give credit where credit is due, and it is due to Major League Baseball. MLB is a true friend through the long haul -- 162 games, day in, day out, over the entire spring and summer. It's there every weekend, as well as on uneventful weekdays. Nothing like a big Cards-Reds game to look forward to through a whole Monday of work. If I could have only one sport, it would be baseball. I like the urban setting and the feel of the stadiums each unique to its city. But, that said, college football is a close, close second. The Oklahoma-Texas Tech game was the best sporting event I have ever been to. In a way, college football is the complete opposite of baseball. Instead of taking buses and subways and trains to the stadium, you drive two hours across the rolling plains of Oklahoma to get to a little town where football is the center of everything. Instead of 162 games where your team can take a 5 game nosedive and still bounce back the next week, a single fumble, dropped pass, or tackle can mean the difference in all the marbles for the whole season. There is a desparate sense of urgency on everyone around you for your team to win, which isn't present in baseball. You've got the band! The Sooner Schooner! Both sports though, I think, are unparalleled slices of American culture.

The biggest game in the country on national television under the lights in late November is a 5 anti-bear stage. The crowd was awesome. My dad and I weren't anywhere near the student section on Saturday but everyone stood up the whole game, and it was the fastest 4+ hours of my life. I haven't been to the baseball playoffs or anything, but this was tops for me. 85,646 fans is a bit more than Busch Stadium holds. My hands are still sore from clapping so much. I've got it TiVo'ed at my parent's house and I'll probably rewatch the game at least twice. In terms of magnitude, the analogous concert to something like this game would probably be the Fruit Bats show I went to with Charz down in the Blueberry Hill Duck Room. Plus Tech got smashed.

What I like about this video that you can't see is an Oklahoma player at the 50 yard line with his hands up signaling for the touchdown before the ball is even halfway there.

Yes man, I'm ranting

2008-11-23T11:10:00.001-08:00

I've been seeing a lot of commercials lately for the new Jim Carrey movie, Yes Man. Whenever I see these ads, I just get so angry. It just looks to me like Liar Liar reincarnated, but now instead of always telling the truth, Jim Carrey just always says "yes" to things. And furthermore, this guy is almost 50 years old now. Seeing old Jim Carrey in all of his zaniness just isn't the same anymore.
End of rant. I will not see this movie. I give it a preemptive 5-bear rating.

Dentists Appreciation

2008-11-20T20:28:00.000-08:00

This is the part of the article where I make the stupidly obvious pun about the people who clean teeth and then segue into some bit about how cool the band are. Right now, however, the sheer simple understated elegance and jangly indie pop perfection of the band in question is superseding any desire I had to dig my grave just a little bit deeper in Clichéville's cemetery. I remember when J and I would DJ on KWUR we'd generally have a few things picked out to play and then comb the station's stacks for anything that looked like it could be interesting, absurd, or in the case of the Dentists' "Powdered Lobster Fiasco" album, just a little bit funny and ridiculous (I guess that falls under absurd, eh? I also guess I have a backspace key and could just erase it and come up with some other arbritrary criteria for selecting arbitrary albums, but now that I've gone this far there's not much point).

Occasionally we'd marvel in the quality of our choices, but for the most part they were duds (Bobgoblin, anyone?). I remember thinking the song we chose off of the Dentists album, which I don't recall the name of...probably a track 3 or 4,was pretty decent. Seeing as this was either jr or sr year of college I was a fiend for neo-psychedelia of the mainstream indie rock variety (E6 collective, BJM, Dandy Warhols, Rainbow Quartz, etc) and chances are I probably just shrugged this song off as too "standard" and not swirly or experimental enough, though if it was late enough into the first semester of sr year I could have just gotten into my indie pop/twee phase after Kathy turned me on to Tiger Trap and Heavenly, in which case the Dentists were not cutesy enough. Long story short, I was an idiot, incapable of recognizing a band that perfectly bridges the gap between my two polar obsessions of the time.

A year later I downloaded "You and Your Bloody Oranges," the Dentists' 1985 EP. Between having first played that one unrememberable song and being linked to this other album by some website, I had completely forgotten about having heard them before (and later remembered while browsing allmusic for other albums of theirs), but had found a new instant obsession. The Dentists' brand of pop is so jangly, effortless, urgent, somber, British, and esoteric that they're the kind of band you can only imagine ever existed in black-and-white. You know, like you watch old documentaries and realize that the footage is lacking in color vibrancy because of technological limitation, but the image is burned in your mind with the color notably, and importantly, absent. Only Danny will understand this, but I think the Dentists, despite their non-use of electronics and synthesizers, kind of convey "that feeling".

I'd listen to this EP over and over again thinking about how great it would be to see this band live in their heyday, but the scene in my mind was always desaturated (in the Photoshop sense of the word). Thinking of bands in this way adds to their mystique, which is also magnified by the pops and hisses of the 12" that was used to transfer the songs to mp3. Not to mention the entire EP exudes perfection from start to finish, from the songs themselves to the song titles to the title and artwork of the EP. For a sample, listen to the bassline on "Where's My Chicken, You Bastard" and look at the cover:

The songs are so perfectly amateurish and the guitar tones so reluctant and reserved that this could only have been created exactly when the Dentists created it. I don't mean that as some philosophical brainteaser, I mean that chronologically the Dentists have their dedicated slot in musical history. Their sound is too modern to have been produced in the 60s or 70s and the themes and tones are too resigned to exist on an album of the late 80s or 90s. By no means an insult, the Dentists could not have created this record without post-punk or early 80s indie rock having preceded them. Equally Magazine and R.E.M., Dream Syndicate and Smiths, but sounding like no one else, the Dentists are what every band tries to be but so few manage not to royally fuck up.

Thanks to Danny I now have a digital copy of their first full-length, "Some People Are On the Pitch, They Think It's Over Now". When Danny told me he had found this I pretended to be an asshole about it and snidely remarked that I had the LP like it was no big deal, but seriously I had been looking for this in a digital format for the past two years. Thanks, dude! I'm listening to it now and it's got a lot of the same qualities that made their EP so great which is fitting since this album came out before the other one did. It's so bizarre to think that so many bands peak with their early material and our friends the Dentists are no exception. I may like "Oranges" a bit more but seriously both releases are pretty phenomenal. One look at the album cover for "Pitch" completely squashes my theory about only shitty bands putting themselves on jacket covers:

How could this band not be cool?

Check it out here: http://best-keptsecrets.blogspot.com/search/label/Dentists

Free Credit Reports and Expensive Guitars

2008-11-20T09:41:00.000-08:00

Everyone knows those freecreditreport.com commercials with the guy singing about working in a seafood restaurant, buying a shitty car because he doesn't have enough credit for a gas-guzzler, trading it in for a shitty bike (because when they saw his credit the bike store said that's all they had), and most recently playing at a renaissance fair. In the latest incarnation the singing guy is playing a pretty sweet looking Fender Jazzmaster, and those guitars ain't cheap. Things are looking up for the dude, eh? Here's a tip: turn up the fuzz, man.

Sweet T-Shirts

2008-11-13T22:29:00.000-08:00

This girl in my section at school is selling section t-shirts. I don't want to buy one. The fact is, I realized, that I just don't wear t-shirts anymore. I haven't bought one since college really, and those don't fit too well now. Unless you count a Yadier Molina jersey as a t-shirt, I have absolutely none in my closet here in Norman.

But, this t-shirt offer started the gears working in my mind. You see, there was a time when t-shirts weren't only what you wore, but they defined you. This was in sixth grade. We wore uniforms to school (the habit stuck with me apparently---I've currently been wearing the pants I'm in now all week) but the first Friday of every month was "free dress day," and all the boys were frenzied about wearing their new t-shirts to school. Maybe this was just me growing up against a backdrop of lameness, but I feel like these brands were pretty nationwide.

No Fear was what started it all for me. I would scurry with excitement on the day I knew my mom was taking me to the mall to get a new No Fear shirt. My first and favorite one said "Bottom of the Ninth...Two Outs...Full Count...Down By Three...Bases Loaded...No Fear." I can't quite remember the others at this point, but I think another said "You Miss 100% of the Shots You Don't Take." They were quite the words of wisdom to pass along, on the level of Socrates or Confucius, really abstract axioms to ponder while sitting on the bench in the dugout, chomping on David's Salsa flavored sunflower seeds. (Flavor Ranking of Goodness: 1:BBQ, 2:Ranch, 3:Regular, 4:Salsa).

Then there was Mossimo. Mossimo was my second go-to shirt--overall they seemed a bit more exotic, more artistic statements than No Fear. No Fear was the no-bones, American, Rocky inspiring type of motivational shirt. Mossimo had a finer European coolness to it. First, you had to figure out what it was. Like this shirt, for example. OK, got it, it's a gasoline container in the shape of an "M". Second, you had to assume that such a picture was cool even though intuition told you it made no sense. If someone told you it was a stupid logo, they just obviously didn't get it.

Ah, the "Big Johnson" shirts. You didn't mess with a person wearing something like this. They always had cartoon depictions of hot girls not wearing any clothes. The kid who played first base on my little league team always came to practice in these. I don't think I ever fully "understood" the slogans on the back of the shirts, I just had an inner sense that whoever wore these had some better and more developed knowledge about girls than I did, and also that my mom probably wouldn't let me wear one. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times---a junior high kid wearing a Big Johnson shirt was the 6th grade equivalent of Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction who's wallet said "Bad Mother Fucker" on it. These guys were simply in another league.

Stussy. Always seemed a bit too "surfer-ey." I can proudly say I never went down this path.

Starter jackets---recess at school was a blur of flashy colors when everyone wore these things. Basically it boils down to this: a 6th grade kid picks his starter jacket based on the best logos (always some guy who just had to get the Notre Dame jacket because of the leprechaun, or some cat who suddenly became a Florida State fan because he thought the jacket was cool). OR, you could pick your jacket based on the color-scheme (I always thought the kid with the Auburn jacket had a cool one) OR people would just get whoever the best teams were (Dallas Cowboys, Michigan Wolverines (come on!!!! Michigan Wolverines?!?! lame...)) I had an Orlando Magic jacket because I thought Shaquille O'Neal was the greatest back in the day. That was when he was sometimes referred to as "Shaq Diesel" and had a rap album out. (If I have ever added the suffix "-diesel" to your name, this is where I am coming from. Like "Garz-Diesel.") So what I am trying to say is you had 40 boys running around in colorful jackets like a gay parade and no one had any idea what they were actually wearing, which seems to apply to any of these shirts I have listed.

Because I'm 25 now and not 12, I'll just stay cool by wearing the Yadi jersey.

Mr. Hilbert and The Lords of the Underworld - Paranoid at the Talent Show

2008-11-12T23:20:00.001-08:00

I found this on YouTube. I think they kick ass! Like seriously, I would pay to go see this band play. The singer just fucking gets it! Not to mention Mr. Hilbert over there playing the solos. I'll bet they needed a lead guitar for the talent show and they asked Mr. Hilbert, their favorite teacher, to fill in. I can just picture it. This is as punk as "Paranoid" gets.

I think I'll post another video tomorrow...it's fun and easy!

Halloween Song

2008-10-31T11:37:00.001-07:00

I am about to leave for Austin to hang with Eric (Garz) and Jono. But before I leave I want to post this Halloween song. Now I know what you're thinking, "Danny, you already made a Halloween post!" Well yeah, I put up a random downtown picture of my girlfriend, but I was really drunk when I posted that. And Eric, if you read this, I'm gonna need some kind of energy drink tonight because I didn't sleep much last night at all. Of course I'm gonna buy some Lone Star on my way up if I remember.

K, here's a scary-type video from the Misfits

Halloween

2008-10-26T15:44:00.001-07:00

Meagan! Yo!

With love,

Downtown H-Town

Oasis - Dig Out Your Soul

2008-10-15T00:12:00.000-07:00

via Facebook wall posts:

Tony (Danny's brother): just wondering, is someone gonna review the new Oasis album for Charz? Before even hearing it, im afraid they missed the bus, if you know what i mean. They had there time to become the next Beatles, or Blur for that matter, but unless its a brilliant album , which is a possibility, a minute possibility, I expect it to be dated, and not in a good way. Lemme know what you think. Maybe ill give it a listen myself

Me: You know, that's a good question. I saw a commercial for their new single yesterday and it actually wasn't bad at all. I was thinking the same as you...that they've been pretty irrelevant for the past 6 or 8 years, but this new song was pretty good. That said, I still don't know if I'm compelled to listen. If you want to tackle it, or write anything else for charz2k for that matter, let me know and I'll give you access.

Tony: you know what, whens the last time you saw a commercial for a new album that was any good? They really need to use TV to get that information out? A little low if you ask me. The last album I saw a commercial for was Nickleback or some bullshit. Before I even listen to the album I'm gonna be biased about it, if I was to review it, which I appreciate the invitation to, I'm gonna be a little vexed by it. So if you don't mind that, I think I could review it for you...maybe, I'm still not sure if I'm worthy enough

There ya go, Tony, you're worthy. I listened to this album and after a few minutes my mind started wandering and I wished I was listening to Definitely Maybe (not because the new album reminded me of DM, but because the mediocrity reminded me of when Oasis was worthy of any praise they were given). I'm not in middle school anymore, but Definitely Maybe is still awesome. I found a copy at a thrift store the other day and bought it, even though I already own it, because I left it in Houston. That's how good it is. This new one? Well, you know that part of High Fidelity where Jack Black's punctual, lovable, and ever critical character Barry gets all up on John Cusack for listening to "old sad bastard music " (which is really Belle & Sebastian, who are awesome) and Rob Gordon replies that he just wants to listen to something he can ignore? WELL, do I have the album for you!

Oh yeah. Tony was totally right on that tv commercial thing. Good albums are never advertised on tv.

Bears: 4.0. I should have known that this album would live up to expectations. I should have known enough to ignore it.

Anti-bears: 3.1. Once you get into it, it practically ignores itself. Also, this inspired me to listen to Definitely Maybe for the first time in a while. You lose some, you win some.

I Love the Cubs

2008-10-04T22:18:00.000-07:00

What have I been thinking all along? I love the Cubs, they're great. To think that I could ever harbor hatred for them so much now seems preposterous for me.

Zambrano, I love you. (Can I call you Dr. Z?) I love how until April of 2009 you will only be able to give your lame tirades in your own house and destroy your own property and act like a baby where no one has to see you.

Edmonds, I love you. Thanks for acting like you hate the Cardinals now and all your years there didn't mean anything. Thanks for being the experienced post season player that was supposed to join the Cubs and lead them through the playoffs. It would have been better for you to hang up your cleats before you decided to play for Chicago.

Cubs fans, I love you. Thank you for always griping. I am sure this series will give you a cornucopia of places to lay blame and fault. I'd would have much rather let that goat stay in the stadium back in 1945 than let Zambrano anywhere near Wrigley. Seems as though there are multiple goats up on the northside nowadays.
As for the curse itself, you ejected a guy for bringing his farm animal into the stadium- what did you think was going to happen?

Bears: 0.0. The Cubs, by definition, don't even qualify as true Bears.

But above all things, I love this fan at Dodger Stadium. The cameras showed him in the heat of the moment in the bottom of the 9th as the Dodgers rounded up a huge upset of the Cubs:

Is that Tim Lincecum?

Springer for President

2008-10-01T15:12:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I was doing some laundry and flipping through channels, late morning on a weekday. Even with cable, this is ghost-town time for tv unless you like soap operas, home shopping, trashy talk shows, or George Lopez. While I wouldn't wish Sr. Lopez or soap operas on my worst enemy, and home shopping shows never have anything I like, sometimes daytime talk shows are televised gold. The one I watched on this particular day was perhaps the most famous of the trashy talk shows, guided by the "Ringmaster" himself, The Jerry Springer Show.

Now, I only managed to tune in to see the final five or ten minutes of the program, but I am not exaggerating when I say it was probably the best five or ten minutes of continuous television I have ever watched*.

I walked in on a scene with this very vocal middle-aged woman yelling at her daughter for sticking by her man, a dapper young man with aspirations of military service. Jerry Springer, noticing a flaw in the gentleman's plans is quick to point out that you need a high school education (or equivalent) to join the Marines (is this true? I have no idea, but I trust Jerry). Of course he and his girl have thought of that already and she gets all defensive and points out that he's getting a GED so it's all good. Jerry: "Well then. It's hard to believe we're LOSING over there!**" Audience/me: uproar. It's so true! This guy's a dumbass and he's going to be part of the face of our military operations. Oh, the tragedy.

Next, Jerry announces that there's going to be a spelling competition. Naturally, this is going to be good. The producer, whose name I do not know now that it is no longer Steve Wilkos*** pulls the redneck guy and the angry mother of the girlfriend onto the stage, front and center, to compete against each other in a battle of what little and questionable mastery of the written English language each has to offer. I'm going to write this out dialogue-style so I don't muddle it up with excess verbosity, and because it stands so brilliantly on its own.

Producer (to the mother): "First word, 'Loudmouth, as in---'"
Mother (speaking quickly): "L-O-U-D-M-O-U-T-H"
Producer: "Ma'am, you have to wait. I'll use the word in a sentence for you"
Mother: "Oh, ok"
Producer: "Your word is 'loudmouth', as in 'You are a loudmouth'."
Audience: chuckles
Mother (slower than before): "L-O-U-D-M-O-U-T-H"
Producer: "Correct". (Now, to redneck guy): "Your word is 'hillbilly', as in 'has anyone ever called you a hillbilly before?"
Audience: laughs
Redneck (looks confused, doesn't quite know why audience is laughing): "H-I-L-L-B-I-L-L-Y"
Daughter: looks proud
Producer (to mother): "Wait for it this time. Your next word is 'annoying', as in, 'most of the members of this audience think you are really annoying'"
Audience: laughs
Mother (defiantly): "A-N-N-O-Y-I-N-G"
Producer (to redneck): "Your next word is 'dentist', as in 'Before you leave Chicago, you should visit a dentist'"
Audience and Mother: uproar
Redneck: "D-E-N-I-S-T"
Producer: "I'm sorry, can you spell that again?"
Redneck: "D-E-N-I-S-T"
Producer: "I'm sorry but that's incorrect. The correct spelling is 'D-E-N-T-I-S-T'" Redneck: "AW MAN" (throws his arms down like Kros)

Then the mother gets all up in his face for being a dumbass, the audience keeps laughing, and I'm dying on the floor by this point. I don't remember what the final thought was, but it was hilarious also.

*Statement does not include The Wire, The Simpsons seasons 1-9, Beavis and Butthead, or, well, anything that can be classified as legitimately "good" tv.
**Clearly, not all military men have the intellectual deficiency that this guy does. Support our troops.
***Congrats on getting your own show, Steve!

2008 Char2k Playoff Preview Extravaganza

2008-10-01T11:01:00.000-07:00

So, once again the 2008 MLB playoffs are upon us. I used to look forward to the playoffs eagerly every year, as my Braves were sure to be contenders. And then my excitement would fade, as my Braves were sure to find new ways to flame out year after year. Those days are behind us though. They ended in dramatic fashion in a series that pitted suitemates against each other. In the end, the Garz-JJVen alliance bested the J-Charz pairing. UGGH how could Farnsworth blow that 5 run lead. Anyways, let's take a look at this year's match-ups!

NL
Cubs vs Dodgers

PREDICTION: I'm having trouble calling this one. The dodgers had a good September, and people are talking about Manny for MVP. On the other hand, the Cubs pulled away nicely in the Central race. I am narrowly going to take the Cubs on this one, just because Andruw Jones played for the dodgers this year, and some of his loser-residue may have been left behind on the team (but I'm sure whatever he's doing right now, he has a big grin on his face)

Phillies vs Brewers

PREDICTION: In the sprit of full disclosure, I hate Philadelphia and I love Milwaukee. Yes John Kerry is eating a delicious looking cheesesteak, and Miller beer kinda blows, but I grew up going to a lot of Brewers games, because my grandparents live in Milwaukee. The Brewers were always my #2 team, and I've been sporting my brewers cap around town that I got years ago at free-hat day at the ballpark. (And a certain classmate of ours was very pro-philly...) So, inspite of the fact that Sheets is hurt and CC has pitched 14 times in the last 6 days, I gotta take my Brew, setting up a Midwest NLCS showdown.

Now, I could and probably should go on into the AL. Pundits say the AL is way stronger. I saw, Pshhhaw. Charz2k is an pro-NL site. That's something we all agree on. So I'll quickly sum up the AL... Whitesox beat the (Devil) Rays, crushing the hopes of... nobody, because who the hell cares about the Rays, aside from the fact that it's a nice story. And I'll take the Angels, because God is obviously cursing Boston, after letting them win championships in the 3 major sports. Brady is down, and the Sox will be down next. And who will win the ALCS? Who cares? The Brew Crew will shock the world, in spite of the fact that they aren't very good, and dominate whomever the AL throws at them.

2008 is the year of the Brewer! Yes I glossed over the Brewers beating the Cubs, but this image says it all: they will shoot the cubs and stand proudly over their dead bodies.

The Many Sides of Garza

2008-09-28T19:49:00.000-07:00

Garza is obviously beloved by all posters on this site. But let's be honest, the guy is mercurial. You don't know which Garz is going to show up one day after the next. I'll do my best and try and outline the major Garz personas for you so you'll be ready next time:

Matt Garza, Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Basically Garz knew that he was never going to make it back to the playoffs as an Astro, so he allowed himself to pitch for the Rays. They're one of those newly hyped teams that haven't been around too long. Pitchfork gave them a good review, Garz signed up. Garz practiced his pitching motions in our dorm in college by throwing Ram Jam and Cat Stevens vinyl records across the room at the wall.

Roberto Garza, Chicago Bears
Geez. Only Garz would put "#1 in Nutrition" on a package of frozen cinnamon buns. That's the kind of business savvy that he learned at the Wash U. B-School. And notice it doesn't say "Most Valuable Player," but "Most Valuable Person." Fits with everything I know about the guy. He does it all.

Aldo de la Garza, Former A&M Football Player
All I ever heard Garz talk about at school was how much he loved College Station. No wonder. This is the innocent look he will try to give you when you accuse him of eating all the oreos.

David Lee Garza, Musician
I remember the day Garz insisted on buying that darned cowboy hat.

Alana de la Garza, TV's "Law & Order"
Since she's on Law & Order maybe she'll come to law school to give a lecture, except instead of her walking through the door it will be Garz himself. He has that same outfit except it says "Jesuit P.E." across the front.

Ambassador Garza (Mexico)
This is Garz, ironing out all of our political issues south of the border. I knew this was in his future when he'd chat it up in Spanish with everyone on the St. Louis Metrolink coming back from Busch Stadium late at night.

Garza Theatre, (Post, TX)
Basically everything Garz stands for musically, memorialized in a building. (That was a nice touch, Garz, with the two little red white and blue buntings next to the sign). Seems the theatre caters to plays and stage productions. Currently they are featuring a show entitled "An Evening of Culture." It said the audience members get treated to pumpkin beer and Ritz crackers while watching Beavis and Butthead.

I hope this helps to explain Garz a bit better.

Don't Change a Thing For Me

2008-09-21T11:50:00.000-07:00

I love finding beauty in unexpected places. For years I've written off INXS. Who knew they were capable of this piece of musical perfection?

What Did I Just Buy?

2008-09-14T16:37:00.000-07:00

So I was killing some time at Best Buy the other day, but I'm not sure what my purpose was in being there. Little did I know it was my destiny playing out before my own eyes. I was just looking around, I suppose, and I came across a DVD display on the side of an aisle: a gargantuan He-Man cartoon treasure trove! Now, I stood debating these DVD's for the longest time, and at one point decided against them and walked around some more of the store. But sure enough, my heart came calling me back to the He-Man DVD display. "Man, it's He-Man!" I tells myself, and it's Vol. 1 which is 33 episodes for $20! What a deal, no wonder they're on display! I mean, my mental math tells me that's like .10 cents an episode, I'd be a fool not to buy it.

Thus I grabbed it and ran to the register, and the guy there is one of those guys with the stretchy loops in his ear lobes, and he's like "Nice choice, He-Man, and at a good price." This acclaim from the Best Buy employee made me feel better about myself and my purchase- kind of like getting complimented when you bring your Arcade Fire CD to the register instead of getting laughed out the door. So I said "Yeh, twenty bucks seemed fairly reasonable," and the guy says "No man, they're only $9.95, they're on sale. So if you want to go check them out again go ahead."

Now, this is where my mental prowess kicked in-- I'm no idiot. I go over the facts and decide that since two minutes ago I was standing there expecting to pay $20 bucks, then that extra $10 is basically one of those "sunk costs" that you can't retrieve regardless of what you do because it is already spent. I mean, this is one of those economic "prisoner's dilemmas" where I can go home with only one DVD set and $10 or two DVD sets with $0. Naturally, I went back to the He-Man aisle and picked up Vol. 2 and brought it back to the dude at the register and went home happy.

Garz knows that I can find ways to justify any purchase. I've spent his money in this fashion multiple times at Vintage Vinyl. But although I've only watched four episodes up to this point, let's just say I think I've already reaped the rewards of my decisions about 5 times over. You can't script stuff like this nowadays.

Bears: 1.2. Watching these proves to be quite the time killer-- the afternoon just disappears!

Anti-Bears: 4.3. I like this animation better than all the Toy Story type stuff anyways, and they have a moral/lesson revealed at the end of every show that should have been learned in the episode! Maybe they will teach some money management principles at some point in the collection.

Wrigley Wrevisited

2008-09-03T00:38:00.000-07:00

I didn't go to Wrigley. But that Astros game tonight was so good. Hunter Pence almost hit for the cycle, those double plays were great, and more! I haven't watched baseball as religiously as I usually do this year because the Astros have been sucking. But I happened to see the game tonight and it was so good. I noticed: Jim Edmonds' old ass will kill the Astros until he retires, Cubs fans still suck...they're so fickle and they boo the Cubs too much. Ohhh shit, I remember watching WGN back in the day and just hating Steve Stone and Chip Caray so much. haha that's wack dude! Also, I remember when Aramis Ramirez was the worst fielder! He was on the Pirates and he was usually good for one error per game. Since he's been on the Cubs, he's improved a lot though...and that sucks! I seriously think the Cubs could win the World Series this year! As an Astros fan...I hate that! Carlos Marmol is the best set up man in baseball and the Cubs are too balanced. What's the world coming to? My Astros have won like 6 or 7 in a row and that's nuts! What if we actually won the wild card?!

I hate the Cubs...but it's like a different hate than the one employed by Cards fans. It's like a very personal hatred where I just wish Carlos Zambrano would break his arm or tear his rotator cuff or something...just to see the Cubbies fail! More about Jim Edmonds though...Lord I hate watching him play CF against the Astros! He catches everything! He should totally be a slow, old, white dude who misjudges fly balls and can't hit the cutoff man anymore...but no, man, he's still like Otis fuckin Nixon out there. I actually don't remember how good of a CF Otis Nixon was...but shit I remember HATING the Tomahawk Chop! Damn I hated the Braves...but now they don't matter too much anymore.

But if I moved to Chicago I'd wanna be a Sox fan I think I've decided. But NO No No! my most hated player is A.J. Pierzynski! He seems like such a douche bag! Jim Thome is just a damn hick too! I've lived in Texas toooo long and that shit is no longer cute!

Oh...does telling people "Alfonso Soriano swings the biggest bat in baseball" make anyone else laugh too??

People were cooler in the early 90s

2008-08-29T12:48:00.000-07:00

Today I caught "Video Yearbook" on FUSE, which is a tv showcase of videos from a particular year. It's extremely refreshing to still be able to see music videos on tv, and even moreso to see the kinds of videos kids from my generation remember staying up late to see in the wee hours of the morning on the original MTV, way back before the reality show invasion sapped every ounce of credibility from their once legendary lineup. The year featured on this episode was 1994, though viewers should know that not one video I saw was actually from 1994! Instead was a smattering of vintage greats from 1991-1993ish (in the twenty minutes or so I watched), and those videos taught me a lot about music filmography, including the recipe for the perfect encapsulization of what I'd like to think the parts of the early 90s I don't really remember were all about:

Neon
Funky dance moves
Big pants
Floppy hats
Giant sunglasses
Squiggly shapes
Cheap green-screen text

Example 1: TLC - "Ain't 2 Proud 2 Beg"

In the second video, we take the scene to the beach! Not everything mentioned above is in there, but plenty of neon, bikinis, funky dance moves, wacky haircuts and general zaniness abound.

Example 2: Wreckx-N-Effect - "Rumpshaker"

The other videos I saw were all of the grunge/post-grunge movement (Stone Temple Pilots, Alice in Chains, Nirvana, etc) so they don't merit discussion and barely even the mention I gave them. Hip hop is where it's at, and if current indie rock/hipster styling weren't such a diluted pastiche of what's in those videos, I'd want it to come back full force. For now I guess I'll just have to except the ironic embodiment that Williamsburg's finest are delivering, and use it to remember the golden years of identity confusion.

Anti-Bears: 4.8. 4.7 of those A-Bs are expressly allocated to the sunglasses in the TLC video.

Bears: 2.9. Those fucking hi-tops and cheap neon sunglasses that I saw all over Pitchfork Festival need to fucking go. Also it was kind of a bear when Left-eye died a few years back.

M.I.A. - Paper Planes

2008-08-20T15:22:00.000-07:00

Damn, this song is everywhere. And why not? It rules. It's so groovy and catchy then you get to the chorus and it's all "all I wanna do is *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* and *CH-CHING* and I take your money...". I mean those sound effects are fucking awesome. Gunshots and a cash register opening? Brilliant! It almost makes you want to go rob someone just so you have a reason to shoot a gun and open a cash register while you're singing along in your head. If you don't have a gun, and you do have a hand, you should form your hand into a gun and make shooting motions whenever that part comes up. If you don't have a gun and you don't have hands, I'm sorry because that really sucks. There's got to be something you can use, right? As for that cash register, you have to envision one of those older ones with the pull arm that opens it. Modern electronic registers are far from acceptable, even if they do make some sort of ch-ching noise. Just know that you're an idiot if this is what you think of.

Anyway, I'm getting to a point, I promise. Today I took a bus down to UT campus so that I could get an ACL pass for a friend from some dude from craigslist. While I was walking down Guadalupe I heard "Paper Planes" playing from a jeep at the stopped red light and I looked over to see what I can only assume is the biggest douchebag in the universe singing along to his cd with a stupid affected british accent and a terrible singing voice (and a slightly embarrassed girlfriend rode shotgun). It wouldn't have been so bad if the guy didn't have spiked blonde hair and if he wasn't wearing a tank top.

Now, my music taste almost automatically categorizes me as a snob, or at the least, an elitist. I try to not be judgemental when it comes to music tastes, but when people are talking about music and it's my turn and I mention a bunch of bands that the people I'm talking to haven't heard of, I can feel myself being silently labeled as "one of those people", the kind of individual who is liable to hate everyone who doesn't measure up taste-wise to their impossible standards. What's ironic about having the kind of mentality where you thinking everyone's an idiot for listening to the radio is that the feeling tends to go away as you listen to more and more music, but that's a topic for a different discussion.

What I'm ultimately getting at is this: that fuckwad in the jeep is the reason for such elitism and snobbery. I saw that idiot in the car and I immediately felt a small pang of defensiveness for M.I.A., and a little bit of selfishness in that I didn't want that idiot to have the capacity to listen to the same music as me. It kind of left this repugnant image in my mind that I'll probably think of every time I hear that song from now on. Thank you, asshole, you might have ruined a great song for me.

Bears: 4.5. It kind of sucks when a song you like is totally ruined. It's possible that it might not be completely ruined though, so there's that.

Anti-bears: 1.5. It's at least a little funny, right?

A Trip Back to the '90's, via eBay

2008-08-14T10:11:00.000-07:00

A fond memory of my grade school days (starting around 4th grade) was coming home from school to watch television. We had a gargantuan snack drawer in the house that was overflowing with Oreos, Twinkies, and other Little Debbie goodies and I would raid it, head upstairs, and plop down on the couch for the weekday TBS excitement- one hour of Saved By the Bell, one hour of Full House (I think WGN even played their own hour of Saved by the Bell, so you could sit there forever if you wanted). Things change- there is no more afternoon tv with that sort of heavy-hitting lineup, and the snack drawer doesn't seem as big to me anymore. At any rate, for some reason I was on hold with the insurance company today and I found some true gems of memorabilia on eBay that commemorated these special memories in my heart.

What Would Danny Tanner Do?

You couldn't fault anyone wearing this shirt. If I saw someone walking around in it you would have to think that they were logical, smart-decision making people, and that never hurt anyone. I would like someone to get on the ball and make up some "What Would Charz Do" t-shirts. It could be like a Taco Bell marketing campaign.

3.5 anti-bears: quite the conversation piece

4.0 bears: takes a lot of guts to wear, which Danny Tanner never had

Slater Tee

In the t-shirt spirit still, I actually like this one. It is pink though, and suggests that the thought of AC Slater alone is enough to make one dizzy with infatuation, so the only people who could wear this one would be 14 year old girls (or Charz).

4.0 anti-bears: good for a legitimate laugh (maybe)

4.5 bears: as a guy, I am excluded from being able to bid on this

Trading Cards

Are you kidding me? Who buys these? "I'll trade you my Johnny Dakota and Mr. Tuttle for your Belding." "Nah, man, that's a rip-off, throw in Mr. Dewey and we'll call it a deal." "Is it autographed?"

o.o anti-bears: no use whatsoever

2.5 bears: looks like they may have been only 25 cents. i'd have probably suckered myself into buying a pack

AC Slater Doll

This may come off as just another shot at Charz, but it's not. He truly has one of these.

3.7 anti-bears: comes with a "stamper" of Mario's authentic autograph that you can use on your yearbooks

3.3 bears: doesn't look like the plastic mullet blows in the wind

Uncle Jesse Doll

If I had any courage at all, I would put this on my desk at work. I mean, think of all the comments it would produce! Jesse, of "Jesse and the Rippers"! It's an indie rock artifact.

4.2 anti-bears: if you look closely, you can see that "Jesse's guitar holds family photos."

o.o bears: this is totally redeemed because Jesse's guitar holds family photos.

Mr. Belding Autograph.

5.0 bears: Obviously the seller of this notecard with Dennis Haskins' autograph just pulled out an index card from the drawer and signed it. Couldn't he have at least found Mr. Belding's baseball card in one of the packs above? I bet Belding can't even walk to the store without 1,000 people digging out index cards for him to sign, poor guy.

I left out the Saved by the Bell sheet music that was up for auction.

Olympians in Pinstripes

2008-08-12T20:35:00.000-07:00

So as I was forced to watch the Olympic games due to baseball rain delays, I happened to notice Michael Phelps win his 31st Olympic gold medal. Hats off to Phelps and all, but what I thought was most interesting were the rumors buzzing around that the Yankees are trying to sign him up for that extra little boost to get into the playoffs. We all know that the Yanks always recruit and snatch up the best players, slap a Bombers hat on their head, and ship them into the Bronx. You didn't think that Yankee GM Brian Cashman limited himself to looking only for ballplayers, did you? So after a bit of research, I found the top Yankee prospects, assuming they perform well enough this week in Beijing for New York fans to accept them into the family.

#1: Michael Phelps, Swimmer, United States

As already stated, Phelps is a baller in the pool. No reason the Yanks couldn't use him as another outfielder. He could probably swim to first base faster than Pudge could run there. Rumors also say that Phelps can provide a variety of speedos in the locker room that Jason Giambi can wear when he wants to bust out of a slump.

#2: Jiang Yuyuan, Gymnast, China

So the trendy thing seems to be to import an Asian guy to the Major Leagues. At Wrigley, all the lame Cubs fans seem to go bonkers over Kosuke Fukudome. They sell karate headbands in and around the stadium that say "FUKUDOME" on them in Chinese lettering, the kind of headbands that Danny Larusso wore in The Karate Kid. I saw grown men wearing them as much as children. Fukudome is the most overrated player ever, but they love the guy to death because he's Asian. So since Hideki Matsui has seen a lot of the DL lately, the Yankees front office seems to think that putting Yuyuan in left field will boost ticket sales, if not their chances of making the World Series. By the time you finish reading this article, the country of China will have cast enough votes to get Yuyuan into the 2009 All Star Game. It's just all about keeping up with the multicultural times, really.

#3: Sean Breathnach, Shot Putter, Ireland

I don't even know if this guy is in the Olympics. I just needed a shot putter and I thought he should be Irish, so this is what the technology spit out at me. Basically the deal is this: Joba Chamberlain sucks and couldn't live up to the hype. Yanks want to bolster their pitching staff, so why not Sean Breathnach? Remember the "Joba Rules"? Where Joba couldn't pitch more than ten pitches or something in an inning, and then had to sit out like three games in-between to rest his arm? Sean Breathnach doesn't need any of that babying. You're pretty much guaranteed a complete game every time he takes the mound. His ERA might end up a little high, but you can always count on not having to go to your bullpen until at least the ninth.

#4: Shawn Johnson, Gymnast, United States

Shawn Johnson is a gymnast, and though small the Yanks think her durability could land her a few starts as a backup catcher, giving Pudge the day off every now and then. In fact, the scouts believe that she may be the only one who is able to catch on the days when Sean Breathnach makes his starts in the rotation. As additional appeal, she could be a new flame for Jeter, who has already dated through the ranks of Mariah Carey, Gabrielle Union, et al etc et al.

#5: (A-Rod's request to the Yankee front office- anyone from the women's Olympic weightlifting team)

No comment.

#6: Mary Lou Retton, Gymnast, United States

Surely you recall those shenanigans Clemens and the Yankees pulled, where Clemens waits until he sees which team he wants to play for, sits until mid-season, and then signs for billions of dollars, and then announces his coming-out-of-retirement during the seventh inning stretch at Yankee stadium? Signing an old star past their prime and acting like they're going to be the season's saving grace is straight up the way New York does business. This year, they've got their sights on Mary Lou Retton, Olympic great. Leave it to the Yanks, they have no shame. At least Retton will come through in the clutch better than A-Rod- she's a threat to take the "Miss October" title away from him.

So that's the hot news that I found from the scouting reports. If the Bombers can even add half of these prospects to their team, I guarantee you they will be able to make it to another choke in the playoffs.

Wreview from Wrigley

2008-08-11T09:43:00.000-07:00

So the Cardinals took only 1 out of 3 games against the Cubs this weekend, but I was fortunate enough to be present at Saturday's game, which was the one where they were victorious. A driving voyage to St. Louis for a Thursday afternoon game, and then on to Chi-town for Sox vs. Sox on Friday and then Cubs/Cards on Saturday ended on a good note with a 12-3 Cardinals win. Listening to them drop the rubber game on the radio while driving back Sunday was a bit of a bear. Does a "bit of a bear" equal "cub"?

Without letting this become a rant about my dislike for the Cubs, I'll say I do enjoy going to Wrigley. This was only my second trip there, the first being with Garz last summer when Zambrano pitched- coincidentally, I saw him pitch again on Saturday. It has a good cozy feel too it, and the setting makes a regular season game feel like the playoffs. We had tickets that were in the very last row in the upper deck on the third baseline, but the stadium is so small we still had a good view of the whole game (not really obstructed by the steel beams). We were shaded and our backs were to a chain link fence, giving a good cool breeze. I'd say there were 25-30% Cardinal fans there, and I wore my Ankiel jersey and cheered enthusiastically for St. Louis, but was careful to not be obnoxious- I was not there agitate Cubs fans.

That said, I do not understand the fixation with the Cubs. If you took away Wrigley, what would be left? And is Wrigley even that great? Baseball is only good when the Cardinals win (feel free to change that to whichever team you like). I didn't travel all the way up to Chicago to see Wrigley, I wanted to see the Cards beat the Cubs at home, and that may as well be in a sandlot or a cornfield in Joliet. So while I'll buy that Wrigley is cool, I don't see how it warrants the attitude or confidence that the fans seem to have about their "cubbies." And why does it seem like such a trendy pick to be a Cubs fan? Why do I picture the classic Cubs fan as a frat guy with shades and a beer in his hand? Has someone pulled the ivy over my eyes?

Overall though, this was your classic 5 anti-bears/0 bears type of trip. Again, I didn't mean this as a rip on the Cubs or their supporters, and I didn't encounter any fans who were bears themselves. It just seems that if someone moved to Chicago tomorrow and you asked them which team they would root for, they'd pick the Cubs. Just sayin'.

One big bonus for Wrigley- none of the gimmicky games/music/attention-getting junk that goes on at most other stadiums. You can truly go there for the baseball (and Cubs fans can go for the beer). I mean if I ever have a six year old kid and take him to the baseball game, he won't be playing in the sandbox during the game or over at the Build-A-Bear workshop. He'd better at least be trying to convince me, through the use of statistics like isolated power upon my request, why the Cardinals picking up Felipe Lopez was a good idea.

The Dark Knight

2008-07-23T14:36:00.000-07:00

I've heard friends call this movie the greatest movie they've ever seen. Everybody is gushing over its brilliance. I saw it last night... and I gotta say, I disagree. I mean, I thought it was alright. It was pretty good. But not great. People think I'm crazy. They get mad when I don't speak highly of the film. Have any 2k'ers seen it? I'm curious what ya'll think.

Zero Boys

2008-07-20T09:43:00.000-07:00

Damn was I ever fucked up last night. I got to hang out with Eric's brother Christian though.

Hey, we've had lots of Grateful Dead talk on charz2k. While I'm not completely against "The Dead" I did grow up as a punk, the hippie's natural enemy. So The Zero Boys are our punk antidote. Go watch this video of them playing at the Pizza Palace in 1981. The Zero Boys were from Indianapolis and I actually like them more than the Germs. The Germs are great but Darby Crash looks like an inaccessible, jerky art-fag compared to the Zero Boys' Paul Mahern. I mean look at these guys! They're just poor kids making noise. Plus, their songs are amazing. These are just song snippets but I can't get enough of this video.

Rock Band vs Guitar Hero

2008-07-16T13:49:00.000-07:00

Fall, 2005. I'm a senior in college, splittin' a room with J, livin' with the guys in Milbrook. Kros mentions he got some really frickin lame sounding game about a guitar-ddr crossover with a plastic guitar. A few weeks later, we have Guitar Hero 1 in our common room and are rocking out on a regular basis. Now, almost 3 years later, GH3 is out, as is Rock Band, GH3's prime competitor in the fake-plastic-instrument-video-game-whynotspendyourtimelearningarealinstrumentinsteadofwastingallthistimeonfakeinstruments-market.
So here it is. Guitar Hero versus Rock Band. The final say. The winner is... Rock Band, by a landslide.

I was hesitant at first about Rock Band. I was a loyal GH fan, and vocals/drums seemed kinda dumb. BUT, like with GH 3 years ago, I was wrong. Rock Band is superior to Guitar Hero in every single way.

1. Drums/vocals. This adds a whole new fun element in the game. At first I was timid about singing, but no longer. It's a lot of fun. Who cares if you have an awful singing voice. Your friends will be too glued into hitting the right notes on their instruments to notice. And drums, although difficult, is also very fun. If you have 4 ppl playing GH, you gotta alternate songs. Rock Band is great for groups of friends-maybe one of the best hang-out-and-play-with-friends games of all time for any system.

2. The Campaign. I'll admit I'm not familiar with GH3's campaign mode, and comparing RB to GH1 would be unfair. So I'll just rave about RB. The "World Tour" starts in just a few cities, and as things progress, you can unlock new cities and bigger venues. Also, in venues you have options to play single songs, or sets. And there are challenges and stuff along the way, and new things can be unlocked, like a sound guy, PR firm, etc. Very addicting and fun to play.

3. The guitar gameplay. Of all things, GH should have a better guitar... I mean it's called GUITAR HERO. You'd expect the guitar and bass to be better. Although almost a tie, I give the slight edge to RB, because in GH, when you get "starpower," the colors turn blue and I would always miss a note as I switched to starpower because the colors go away. In RB, the colors stay, so I can safely deploy "overdrive" and keep my streak going!

4. Last, but not least, the songs, man! We keep unlocking new songs, and they keep rocking. Electric version! Reptillia! (although GH3 has this too) Don't Fear the Reaper! (VERY fun to sing) The Who, The Rolling Stones, BOSTON!! Bowie, Black Sabbath, (early) Weezer! The songs are great, and more can be downloaded.

Rock Band simply rocks. So go get Rock Band, or be like me, and bum off of a friend who has it. Why waste your time with a "real" instrument when you could be earning virtual fans, traveling all over the world with your band, and having a great time?

Why Jared, Why??

2008-07-06T19:06:00.000-07:00

gotta take sown that pic

The Best Second of the Year

2008-07-04T10:15:00.001-07:00

Anti-Bears: 5.0

Bears: 0.0

Picking out a single second to call your favorite of the year is trimming all the possible candidates down to the one that has 1000 milliseconds of pure joy. Thus it is impossible to have any bears for the champion. Many people have favorite days or even months, but I have one definite choice for the ultimate annual second.

It is a moment of doubt, a flash of uncertainty, yet a beacon of hope. It comes on the birthday of our country, the greatest in world history. I look forward to this second every year.

Which second, you ask? For certain! It is without a doubt the last second of the hot dog eating contest on Coney Island, when everyone scrambles to shove in the last bits of pig and soggy bun into their mouth (as long as it's in there when time's up, it counts!)

Congrats to Joey Chestnut, eating 59 dogs in 10 minutes and beating Kobayashi in a 5 dog eat-off after the tie. Way to keep the title belt in America.

Fireworks!

2008-07-02T15:39:00.000-07:00

Happy 4th of July everybody! I was driving past the fireworks stands the other night and realized I hadn't bought fireworks in years and years. I probably wouldn't even recognize what new technologies they have available these days, but here are the ones I remember.

Let's start the review off with a bang. These were cool. I always felt like an army soldier and wrapped these things over my shoulder. If Kevin McCallister could use them to scare away a pizza delivery guy in Home Alone, surely I could employ them to a grand purpose as well. I don't think I ever did though. I probably just sat around staring at the cool Black Cat logo.

Tanks- I was all over these things. It combined my favorite passion for little Hot Wheels cars and toys into a sweet, compact, and menacing looking firework. As I recall they never rolled as well as I thought they were going to on those little paper wheels, and only scooted a foot or two anyways.

Sparklers- A classic firework, a classic dud in my opinion. You had to stand there and once the initial joy of getting the sparks to fly with the "Hsssss!" wore off, the only thing left that you could do was move your arms around in awkward motions to make light shapes in the night. Quite a girly firework, if you ask me. The stuff for gymnasts and baton twirlers. Kevin McCallister wouldn't be caught dead with one of these sissies.

Roman candles. My dream as a little kid was to get in a roman candle fight with the older kids in the neighborhood. I was always too scared to ever get that experience, my one true 4th of July regret; I don't like to talk about it.

Rockets- Ahoy! Now these were something to get excited about! I remember these being a bit more expensive than the other fireworks, so I had to shell out a bit more dough to blast one of these guys into the sky. Oh man. What is better than putting five bucks on a launch pad, lighting it with a punk, and seeing it skate off sideways down the street instead of actually going upwards? Now that's something to buy!

Finally, Snaps. Ah, after it's all done, these were what remained. You could carry the joy of July 4th into July 5th, 6th, and 7th with these snaps. They were packaged in sawdust that got all into your pocket. Nothing more refreshing than thinking you were out of snaps and then discovering one last one hiding in the bag under the dust. These were worthless.

Anti-bears: 1.0. I can't actually think of anything good to say about fireworks, other than I can't imagine the 4th of July without them.

Bears: 4.5. If you can't tell, I don't like fireworks. July 4th is cool, but I don't dig watching the same thing over and over and over, especially if I had to pay for them. I'll be in watching the Cards/Cubs game on Friday night. Hopefully Zambrano will get lit up.

Six beers and no dinner

2008-06-30T22:47:00.000-07:00

...is what I had tonight. I'm drunk and kind of woozy and it's almost 1am, which means I have to be at work for a meeting in almost 7 hours. Wow!

Recommendation: go see WALL-E (I think it's an acronym and so I think I punctuated it correctly, but who knows!). Anyway, it's a fucking fantastic film. It's beautiful. Sniff.

Also, I'm going to throw in the 1-2 punch combo of the Dead Boys' "Hey Little Girl" and "I Need Lunch". Fuck "Sonic Reducer", even if it is Anthony Bourdain's favorite song or something like that. These two are much better. It's a good song, but it plays third fiddle to the aforementioned duo.

So, like, what's going on tonight? I'm going to sleep I think. PEACE.

An American Classic

2008-06-12T13:06:00.001-07:00

Sadly, due to various family issues and scheduling conflicts, I will not be going to my usual family reunion in South Carolina this year. The most devastating part of this is that I can't make it to any Bojangles fast food joints, which aren't located anywhere near here. In tribute, I am awarding them:

4.89 Anti-bears. Best chicken sandwich available in the US says a lot in my mind. Their slogan is "Southern Born and Breaded." And even Garz, the chicken tender expert, says this place is tops. You can't buy a better endorsement than that. Bojangles also claims to have the best iced tea on the planet, and that's no Harvard lie. Throw in a few Bo'Berry Biscuits for dessert and you've got yourself a primo fast food staple.

2 Bears. I have to plan a road trip to the coast just to eat there. It may very well be worth it though. I can pick people up on the way if you're interested.

A new low

2008-06-03T17:21:00.000-07:00

So once again, I may be writing something that is not a formal review. But at risk of inviting sean's scorn, I have to say it. I suppose I could write it in review form:

5 BEARS

Family Guy on TBS. Yes, I was watching family guy. I guess that was my first problem. But it's raining outside and I don't feel like doing anything at all tonight. Anyways, it's mid episode, and the screen just freezes, with Brian and Stewie still on screen. Then, Bill Engvall walks onto the screen and says something like "They've got a dog named brian, and I've got a son named Brian... watch the Bill engvall show Tuesday nights at 9:30... now back to your show." And then the show resumed. Honestly, wtf is that? Give me a commercial, or give me show. Don't squeeze them both in at the same time. I thought good ol product placement was bad enough. What's worse than a character in a show conveniently holding a drink so that the label squarely faces the camera... well, this is.

What Happens In Vegas

2008-05-27T12:32:00.001-07:00

I just don't understand constipation. If you don't have to shit, don't shit. When you feel like taking a shit you are no longer constipated. Yeah, you think you're constipated if you sit on the toilet and it won't come out? But you're really just a hypochondriacal fool who tries to shit more often than the rest of the shitting population (everyone poops). God I love poop. Constipation is a well-perpetuated myth.

What are the benefits of a well-toned sphincter? Why don't you ask Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher. I'm just guessing they know. Look at them clenching up there! OK, I'm making myself laugh. "Get Lucky" it says - Ed. Note: ERRRRRRRR (the sound of clenching)

And I mean I want to read some academic's exhaustive sphincter abstract but I don't want to transmit some fecal meme by translating all that poopy jargon into your constipated vernacular. That's Cliff's job. He makes special notes for special people who don't like fucking reading. And I've got a suggestion for you. Want it? You actually don't because it'll hurt. I suggest that Ashton Kutcher is the masterfully-formed (nice one, dude!) log of caca in your crapper. Cameron Diaz is the jism on a fat executive producer's heated, ass-massaging, German-engineered car seat in a well-appointed garage in the Hamptons.

Do you think I watched this movie? Hell yes I did! I want a toned sphincter also. Let me in on the secret, Hollywood! Oh I have some fantasies! But Rothbarth, J., et. al. are there to preclude their (the fantasies') actualization. --The outcome of anterior sphincter repair deteriorates with time after surgery--

Thanks, now it's time to kill myself as my anterior sphincter repair has already begun to degrade and I'm (once again) going incontinent. God I love my life as director Tom Vaughan.

Wait! What's this I found in the toilet? Wooo it's Cameron "Poop" Diaz sweetly mingling with Ashton "Feces Face" Kutcher. Aren't they cute together? Isn't life simply beautiful?

I say YES!

I happily award What Happens In Vegas a pristine 5.0 anti-fucking bears

Bears?! Don't even mention them! They don't live in the same universe as this cinematic thingy. They live in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge with the awesome pipes drawing oil from the rad earth.

Danny Danny Danny wrote this

Ahoy, Tumbleweed Ho!

2008-05-19T12:43:00.001-07:00

This is a review of everyone's favorite panhandle- Oklahoma's. It's always been my favorite, and not just because I have lived in Oklahoma for my entire life. No, it's because Oklahoma has the grandest panhandle of them all, in my opinion. Texas and Nebraska's are too short and stubby, while Florida's and Idaho's are marked by natural boundaries (I am assuming) like the ocean and mountain ranges, so they at least seem somewhat justified. Never has there been a panhandle that seems so needlessly tacked on in meaningless fashion like Oklahoma's. Apparently it sounds like the three counties of Cimarron, Texas, and Beaver (west to east) were almost given to Oklahoma by default; the "No Man's Land" that formed when the Kansas, New Mexico, and Texas borders were determined was thrown in with OK when it became a state in 1907.

The only thing more preposterous than having this panhandle would be to take a trip out there, and this is exactly what we did last Saturday (we being my mom and my sister, no I don't have any other friends. I tip my hat to them for being willing to do something so pointless though). I mean, what kind of Oklahomans can we call ourselves if we have never been to the state's most prominent feature? We trucked it out there all the way to Boise City, which is the last "town" in Cimarron county---they have a golf course there so my sister and I took clubs. As soon as we made it into the panhandle (at a town called Slapout, OK (and by town I mean one house and an abandoned gas station)) what did I see? A tumbleweed! Now I feel like Charz at some point had a discussion as to whether these even existed, other than their being formed when 'Kros told a joke. Well rest assured, they do. The land out there is arid plains for as far as you can see in either direction, and there are a few barns and telephone poles lining either side of the road. It is a bit eerie, giving off a slight twilight zone sort of feel.

And by golf course I mean 9 holes in the middle of flat farmland. There are barely any trees- no sandtraps, no water hazards, no nothing. The wind is constantly blowing- or rather, gusting- across the prairie and it NEVER quits. You have to aim about 45 degrees left or right of where you want the ball to go. We talked to some farmer and he said that the course was built and is maintained by volunteer farmers and ranchers in the area. I have to give them credit for creating it, and knowing that, it was actually in pretty reasonable condition. I have a photo of me and my mom sitting in the golf cart on the fourth tee box; about 5 yards away are two gargantuan cows grazing in a field. On the very first tee box I was trying to determine where I was and what I was doing there- fortunately another tumbleweed blew across the fairway which helped me come back to reality.

Bears- 2.5. It was quite a trip out to the panhandle. I'm not going to admit just how long we spent in the car in order to play these nine "holes" of golf. Preposterous is the only word that I can think of- so senseless as to be laughable.

Anti-bears- 4.0. I'm always up for something that is so senseless as to be laughable, and I throughly enjoyed every acre of desolation that I saw this weekend. With so many housing editions, banks, and Wal-Marts going in around town, I slept better this weekend feeling that the world (at least in square area) seems a little bigger again. And it was a step towards being a more well-rounded and educated Oklahoma citizen.

Review - parking tickets.

2008-05-13T21:07:00.000-07:00

Anti-bears: 0.
Fuck parking tickets.

Bears: 5.
Fuck parking tickets.

Yet another fucking self-titled album that will be known by the color on the cover: a first look at the first single

2008-05-13T15:21:00.000-07:00

Yes, sigh, Weezer have not given up yet. "Weezer" (Blue, '94) and "Pinkerton" days having long ago passed, and "Weezer" (Green, '01) and "Maladroit" having slowly pushed remaining fans to indifference years ago (and "Make Believe" further solidifying the fact that no one would ever, ever give a shit about what this band does ever again), most of us breathed heavy relief when the band dissolved in 2006. After having heard Beverly Hills one too many times (which, it should be noted, was the first time I heard it...I unfortunately suffered through it many many more times, never of my own fault or selection), I thought Rivers Cuomo would be sent to Guantanamo for his unique breed of sonic terrorism against music fans everywhere. He wasn't, but his proclamation that the band would no longer exist was good enough for me.

Not long ago word began to surface that America's premier 90s nerd rockers would throw another pile of shit onto the shelves of retailers everywhere, and with the announcement I imagined the intention would be that stupid kids would latch onto it hoping to achieve the same kind of adoration for the record their siblings, and (holy shit) maybe even parents by this point had done back in '94 for the band's legitimately awesome debut release, and again in '96 for the introspective and quirky left-field follow up. It's pretty obvious that anyone who has heard the most recent releases has definitely jumped the =w= ship, but maybe the novelty of releasing multiple self-titled albums is still backhandedly chuckle-worthy in some backwoods village where the internet hasn't pierced every soul. I, for one, however, wanted nothing to do with "Weezer" ('08, Red).

I was browsing the internet today and I stumbled upon their first single, Pork and Beans. Pork and FUCKING Beans!!! Damn, I haven't heard a single note and I'm already getting queasy. I've been pretty angry today (for work-related reasons I'd rather not discuss...though for the record, fuck my job), and though I knew it'd be something I regretted, all semblances of rational thinking have flown out the window today and so I clicked the link and listened to the song. I know, I know.

So, impressions? I've had the song playing in the background for as long as I've been writing this. So far, I don't want to kill myself yet, but I am getting angrier and angrier. He's singing about not giving a shit about what people think and about pork and beans and getting old and pandering to the masses and some other shit (I heard Timbaland's name in there...this song has the makings of being a Kros classic), and I can't help but feel that it's either a postmodern declaration of the cliche they've become as a band, or just another shitty single. It's not as shitty as anything I heard from "Make Believe", but it's still pretty bad in the vapid-but-melodic way that "Weezer" (Green, '01) was bad. Actually it's definitely worse than any track on that album or even "Maladroit". At least it sounds a lot better than Beverly Hills even if the lyrics are dumb as shit.

Rating:
Anti-bears: 2.
Rock-bottom was established with the last album and especially the singles from it. Pork and Beans isn't quite as terrible as that was. Also, since I never listen to the radio, hardly ever go to the Mall, have friends with pretty decent taste in music, and MTV doesn't play videos anymore, I doubt I'll ever have to hear this again.

Bears: 5.
This song's a pile of shit. Weezer haven't broken up yet, and there hasn't been a massive recall on their last three albums. While I may not have to hear this song again, I'll definitely have to hear about it if I keep reading the things I read online. Where the fuck did Matt Sharp go?

For the daring: http://weezer.com/

Why the Cardinals are the Best Team in Baseball

2008-04-22T14:46:00.001-07:00

With one month of baseball season almost behind us, I have decided to do a bear/anti-bear status update on the coolest team in baseball, the St. Louis Cardinals. In doing so, I will compare men on their roster to members of the coolest team of all-time, and by that I undoubtedly am referring to the kids from The Sandlot, which is my favorite baseball movie. Without further ado….

In the leadoff spot is Skip Schumaker. He started off the season a little slowly but has become red-hot as of late. He’s one of those players that is a bit squirrelly and he plays pretty well in right field, too.

His Sandlot equivalent: Michael “Squints” Palledorous. This guy is a classic top of the lineup kind of player. He is small and confidently calls his shot in the batter’s box, but we all know he only gets line drive base-hits. These guys are quick and fast and can always slide into the base and beat the tag. Plus, on top of everything, despite their size they have the guts to feign drowning and kiss Wendy Peffercorn. And that’s really everything you can ask for from a leadoff guy.

Next is Chris Duncan. Chris Duncan is a converted outfielder and it is always an adventure for him out there. The other night he made a routine fly into a heart-pounding, run-into-the-wall-at-the-warning-track-and-fall-down type of grab. Furthermore, he always has the biggest wad of tobacco in his mouth. I know most ballplayers chew but they do it a lot more inconspicuously than Chris does. I don’t know if you remember but Duncan reminds me of the guy in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles who comes to give them a ride in Wichita, and is always snorting and spits juice on his palm before shaking hands.

His Sandlot equivalent: Bertram Grover Weeks. I think this one is pretty obvious here, people. The redhead kid who introduces everyone to “Chaw!” at the amusement park, resulting in them all puking and getting sick. Bertram actually reminded me of a guy on my own little league team, who instead of throwing a foul ball back to the pitcher he “accidentally” launched it into right field, and when he was running the bases he’d knock over the other team’s players, claiming they were in the way. These guys are always a bit of a wild card, but usually solid ballplayers out on the ‘lot.

Third we have Pujols. Day in, day out, Pujols is there for the Cards. He’s got power (the other night he cranked one into Big Mac Land) and he is also a gold glover at first. He hit the most fantastic home run I have ever seen against the Astros in the 2005 NLCS. We all know who he is.

His Sandlot equivalent: I feel somewhat bad about this one, but it is Allan “Yeah-Yeah” McKlennan. I know, you all thought it would be Benny, but it didn’t play out that way. Pujols is an all-star and the most flash that the Cardinals possess. “Yeah-Yeah” was the most glamorous Sandlot player and the best dressed, with his slicked hair and button down shirt worn open over his white T. He’s the one we all wanted to look like from 1950’s Americana and summer baseball. He’s the James Dean of the sandlot; the Pujols of the Cards.

Batting clean-up is Rick Ankiel, who has become my new favorite player with the team after Rolen went to Toronto. Ankiel started as a pitching prodigy back 8-9 years ago, and was just starting his way to Hall of Fame stardom until he couldn’t find the strike zone (or anywhere close to it) in the playoffs. He disappeared, vanished, the dreams were dashed. Until last year, when he came back as a position player and started cracking homers out of the park. He’s now the starting centerfielder, and don’t try to get an extra base on him, folks, he’s got one of the best arms in baseball. He’s also been in the HGH controversies for a few years ago when he was in the minors, but his journey is incredible, inspirational, and I’m sold on him. I love his half-sarcastic smirk that’s on his face most of the time.

His Sandlot equivalent: Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez. Benny never made it big in the pro’s- at the end of the movie he is a pinch-runner for the Dodgers. But he is the hopes and dreams of the sandlot guys, the only one to ever even get close to the pros. Ankiel and Benny are equivalent because they each possess a mystique, a lore about them that makes them great despite probably never making the Hall. Pujols is the best but we all know that and expect it. When Ankiel hits a dinger or when Benny steals home, I get tears in my eyes.

Next on our line-up card is Yadier Molina. You have to love this guy- he’s got this perpetual grin going for him (except, coincidentally, in this picture). Like when he gets a single and rounds first, he’s beaming like he’s never been there before. He’s got two other brothers that are also catchers in the pro’s, so it runs in the family.

His Sandlot equivalent: Hamilton “Ham” Porter. They’re both catchers and the larger-bodied players of the team, so the resemblance begins there. I’m also going to infer that they both “don’t run well.” This phrase seems to be used a lot in baseball as a polite way to say a player is extremely slow and you panic if they take more than a two step lead. And hey, I like to picture Yadier wanting a “quick game” so he can get back to the dugout and grin over some hot dogs for lunch.

Following is Aaron Miles and Adam Kennedy. These guys play second/short and are in LaRussa’s rotation for the infield. They are pretty solid guys who can come up big at the plate as well, but it’s likely that sometimes they don’t get enough credit and fall under the radar as compared to bigger names in the league like a Jeter or a Polanco. They probably are two of the straighter-laced players of the bunch. They probably don’t get into trouble with LaRussa.

Their Sandlot equivalent: Timmy and Tommy Timmons. They look alike and sometimes you have to confess to getting them confused. But the Timmon’s brothers come up big for you and they don’t beat around the bush. They’ll holler “The Colossus of Clout!” in your face as many times as you want until you finally realize who Babe Ruth really is.

In the eight-spot is Brian Barton. Seemingly a fan favorite in the ‘Lou, he has got great speed and a terrific batting average. Just the other night he stretched a single into a double in the top of the ninth and ended up scoring the go-ahead and winning run. He’s got some great dreads to boot, which gives him tremendous aesthetic appeal.
Q: Why did Brian Barton make the starting roster?
A: Because he’s a rosterfarian.

His Sandlot equivalent: Kenny DeNunez. He’s a quality sandlot player but he’s got unknown talent because he’s not exhibited much in the movie. Likewise, we’ll have to see how Barton’s ability progresses over the course of the season in St. Louis after he gets more playing time. Plus Kenny is the only black player in the movie, so this is a good match.

Lastly, the Cardinal’s pitcher- Anthony Reyes. This guy is my favorite, though he’s not even in the starting rotation. Just look at him. He gets some flak for not bending his hat bill but c’mon, that’s style man. He’s got an old-school pitching delivery and usually wears his socks high, too. I don’t know when he’ll pitch again; sometimes he’s good, sometimes he gets lit up. He’s still young and learning, though.

His Sandlot equivalent: Scotty Smalls. Remember when Smalls first goes out to play and he wears that fishing cap with the extra long bill? Well that’s right down Reyes’ alley. I won’t be surprised if Reyes steps out on the mound with one of those sometime soon. But then Benny gives Smalls a new cap to wear. I’m sure Reyes would take a new cap but he’d probably still straighten out the bill.

A final comparison: Tony LaRussa. His Sandlot equivalent is obviously James Earl Jones. They both are the only ones who are always wearing sunglasses, even at night. Sure, James Earl Jones’ character was blind in The Sandlot, but maybe LaRussa is blind, blind to the fact that he is the coach of the coolest team in baseball. Both he and James Earl Jones take a ragtag bunch of ballplayers and turn them into something special.
Anti-bears- 4.0. Most of these guys are home-grown in the St. Louis minor league organizations, and I have tried to convince you that the Cardinals are the most inspiring team in the game. If direct, empirical comparisons to Sandlot characters don’t justify this claim for you, then nothing will.

Bears- 2.0. I still am on the edge of my seat as to whether these guys will actually make the playoffs.

The New Pornographers/Okkervil River, 4-21, Madison, WI

2008-04-22T08:28:00.001-07:00

About four years ago I remember thinking that if I were in a band, that I'd want to sound like the New Pornographers. Their recorded output at that time consisted only of Mass Romantic and Electric Version, two hook-laden, upbeat, and the kind of diverse but straightforward pop albums that make you wonder why they aren't the most popular band in the country. How could anyone not think this music is perfect?

Over the past few years my tastes have ebbed and flowed to and from poppy stuff, noisy stuff, drone stuff, sweet stuff, and bands that fell into categories defined in different proportion by all four of the preceding categories. For the most part what's become evident is that bands as perfect as the New Pornographers have tended to fall out of favor with me. The vocals are too polished, the hooks too catchy, the band too confident, the image way too damn slick. The NP's subsequent two albums, Twin Cinema and Challengers offer a slight departure (much moreso on the quieter, subtler Challengers) that I couldn't quite hop on board with as easily as with the first two. Twin Cinema and I had some good times, ranging from when I bought that album in Tulsa after we got back from our roadtrip out west and before school started that year, through when I saw the band play a dynamite set at the now-defunct Mississippi Nights in St. Louis (I always loved the club but it wasn't until I moved to a town with so many venues of questionable quality that I realized that Mississippi Nights was an amazing place to see a show) and pretty much up until walking in to the Brown Auditorium in Louisville where they were on stage warming up for Belle & Sebastian and basically not even caring that they were opening.

Since then I'll occasionally dip back to the first two albums and I tend to enjoy them, but I don't love them nearly as much as I did those last two years of college. A few months ago when I heard they were playing in Madison with Okkervil River, I was mostly limp on the idea of going despite my friends' excitement. I mean, New Pornographers are alright, and I like Okkervil River, but paying $22 (+ $6.75 from Ticketmaster if I couldn't find the time to go to the box office) for a show I'm not crazy enthusiastic about in a venue that I almost completely detest wasn't something that I was planning on doing.

Flash forward a few months and I hear a song in a bar (I don't remember which) and suddenly going to the show felt like a good idea. I'd pay the $22, but fuck Ticketmaster. If I couldn't get tickets at the box office I would not go. Turns out someone at work had an extra ticket they were unloading for $15, so that was awesome and I didn't have any doubts about the value of seeing a band I really like and I band I really used to love for that price, even if the show was at the fantastically hateworthy Orpheum Theater.

Day of show, and the temperature is 75 and the sky is partly sunny. Fuckin' a, I'm going to walk to the theater! It's only a mile and a half, but during the winter months that's an absolutely gargantuan distance to have to walk. When the sun comes out it's fucking gorgeous.

So, let's break this up into 3 sections (there will only be one score total, though):

The Orpheum Theater
I never reviewed the Decemberists show I went to at the Orpheum (holy shit, I just realized that show was almost exactly a year ago and that day was also one of the first truly beautiful days of the spring season as well), but rest assured that I hated it. Part of why I hated it was because I drank too much, part was because I didn't think the band was particularly 'on', but most of why it was so awful can be attributed to the Orpheum Theater.

This place is one of those big old-timely venues with ornate wall carvings and a swanky lobby and other beautiful accents, but unfortunately the obscenely awkward positioning of the balcony juxtaposed against the main floor has forced the stage to be positioned about 8 feet in the air, which you can imagine has to be a terrible headache if you have to either crane your head to look up from the floor or down from the balcony. I mean, who designed this fucking place? Our seats were near the back of the floor section and our view was actually pretty decent. However having seats in a venue is automatically negative points, so it was minor consolation (and though I'd actually have liked to have sat for the New Pornographers' set, everyone in front of me stood up and I'm not tall enough to be able to see over their heads when I'm sitting, so I had to stand also). Oh yeah, and it was ungodly hot in there. Big, hot, musty, awkward theater does not a good show help. At least the sound quality was above average, if not downright good.

Okkervil River
I've seen Okkervil River three times now, and of the three shows this one certainly takes the cake as the one I'd like to remember if for some reason I was forced to forget any two OR shows that I've been to (abbreviating Okkervil River as OR makes their name look dangerously similar to O.A.R.; I just shuddered). Will Sheff's narratives resonated perfectly through the venue, and his stage presence was enormous. He's got a fantastic, booming voice, and he commands it perfectly in tune with the band's songs. Their loud songs were good. Their quiet songs were good. Their cover of "Sloop John B" was fantastic (sidenote: I've read in several places that this song is the lone clunker in the context of its Pet Sounds surroundings, but I've always quite enjoyed it). I would have been perfectly satisfied if my $15 had gone to see only Okkervil River that night, but holy shit the headliner hadn't even played yet! In my experience even when the opener tears it up, the headliner usually puts them back in their place. This was going to be a great show. No regrets any more!

The New Pornographers
I forgot to mention this earlier, but a few days ago Neko Case injured her foot and had to drop off the tour for a few shows, this Madison stop included. That was a serious bummer because a huge part of why I decided to get a ticket hinged on her presence. When she sings, I get fucking chills. Everyone gets fucking chills. Kathryn Calder has a beautiful voice, but she's missing the "Neko Case Factor", which needless to say is unique to Neko Case.

Anyway, after a reasonable intermission, the lights dim and the crowd cheers. Minus one point for the crowd, since when a venue is that full for a band that is that popular, I expect a roar. Cheer is laundry detergent. Roar is what good crowds (and lions) do. I guess the crowd was also anticipating a mediocre performance in the absence of Neko Case and Dan Bejar, but come on, give the band the fucking benefit of the doubt!

In the crowd's defense, the first few songs performed were total snoozers. I don't know if the band were mirroring the crowd's intensity level, but it wasn't until "The Laws Have Changed" that things started to pick up a bit. It's a melodic upbeat rocker, but when it's the first enthusiastically performed song of the night and it's the fifth or sixth in the set, there's not much hope for the rest of the night. Or is there? Following "Laws" with "Twin Cinema" was making me reconsider my own lack of enthusiasm. I was beginning to feel it, and I was having fun. Turns out the rest of the show was pretty limp. I enjoyed my old favorites "Mass Romantic", "Electric Version", "Sing me Spanish Techno"and the two encore songs, a genuinely spirited cover of ELO's "Don't let me Down" (don't let me dowwnnn, KROS!!) and the classic "The Slow Descent into Alcoholism", but during the rest of the show I was pretty bored overall. I certainly wasn't the only one either. Most of the crowd didn't really seem to give a shit about a band they paid at least $22 (and in some cases around $30) to see, which is unfortunate because an excellent crowd can turn a mediocre show into a really good show.

Overall it was pretty clear that Okkervil River stole the show. In the section of songs I enjoyed I neglected the one that Will Sheff stood in for, commandeering Dan Bejar's vocal section ("Myriad Harbour"?). Several friends agreed, and I heard various comments in the lobby about how great Okkervil River were and how merely "alright" or "pretty good" the New Pornographers were.

Bears - 3.5.
There was a tall guy standing right in front of me. I mean, seriously, come on! In the whole row directly in front of us the one tall guy was immediately in my field of vision. Also, the venue tends to suck a lot of life out of the shows it hosts. And it was fucking stuffy in there. Also, the New Pornographers weren't great.

Anti-bears - 3.5.
Okkervil River saved this score. Will Sheff is awesome on stage. Also the cover songs the bands performed were fantastic. The weather and the walk to and from the Orpheum were very nice, as well. The New Pornographers weren't terrible.

My morning commute

2008-04-16T07:52:00.000-07:00

This morning I set out from my apartment around 6:35 AM Eastern time. I walked from my apartment to the Farragut North Metro station. Along the way I listened to my IPOD. I like listening to music while walking down the street to the metro. Along the way I passed by the National Geographic Museum and the infamous Mayflower Hotel. My walk was about 10 minutes. I took Rhode Island to 17th st to L st. I took the L st entrance into the station, because it's the closest to me. There are 2 other entrances I could have taken, but I stand by my choice. I waited 3 minutes for the red line train. I rode it 4 stops to Union Station. At Union Station I went to Au Ban Pan and got a cinnamon scone. Mmmmm delicious. They have great scones there. Then I got on the 7:12 Marc Train and I was on my way! While on the Marc train, I read the newspaper and talked to my friend Elizabeth. Upon my arrival, I bought a coffee because I need to have a caffeine boost to start my day!

The post below . . .

2008-04-15T21:53:00.000-07:00

. . . may be the worst post that has ever been put on this blog. While I don't really like this bastardized version of charz2k, at least most of the posts have a point. The original concept for charz2k was a parody of a review site. Since moving to this blog format, reviews only account for about 30% of the posts. The remaining 70% is regular blog-type garbage. BUT AT LEAST THOSE POST HAVE A POINT OR SOME FORM OF VALUE! Really, reading charz's post made me think of a certain incident involving Naveen, Garz and a blueberry bagel. It may even be worse than that incident. At least that incident was related by speech. While I can't say that it wasted less of my time—in all honestly I can probably read faster than Naveen (or a surrogate) can speak—at least the bagel story spawned an incredibly long-lived line of jokes. Charz informing us denizens of the web that he is going to watch the Simpsons will do no such thing. He didn't even have the sense to wait until he'd watched the freakin' (yes, Parks, that is a lion) show, so he could give us a report on this endeavor. Instead, we are forced to browse through the comments to find a poorly drafted re-cap of what we all know is a mediocre show.

I would like to take this opportunity to do a quick-and-dirty classic review of the current state of charz2k.

Anti-Bears – 2.314

Occasionally, Garz, Dan or Jared writes a funny post.
Actually, Jared's posts (sans the dream post) are never all that funny, but they are usually in a review format which I'll have to count as a plus.
If I ever forget why I once put my head under a car tire and asked Garz to run it over, I can always remind myself by returning to this page.

Bears – 5+ (Weight assigned individually for effect; remember that the scale is not additive, so the overall score is NOT the sum of its parts)

This is nothing more than a blog—I still think I'm too cool to ever like something that could be called a "blog." (3)
Do I really care what 5 songs pitchfork media told Garz to listen to this week? (2)
Charz's post. (17 – for a point of reference, if there were ever an earthquake of this magnitude, the earth would not only crumble, it would most likely vaporize)

I feel very dirty after posting on this charz2k blog, but something had to be said. Since everyone is obviously incredibly interested, I'm going to go brush my teeth. I'll probably spend about 1.2 minutes doing so, after which I will take out my contacts. I will then sit on the edge of my bed and stare at the wall for approximately 8 hours. This will still be more fun than reading about charz's plans to watch the simpsons.

The Simpsons.

2008-04-13T16:59:00.000-07:00

I've decided to watch the new Simpsons episode tonight on Fox. I know, it's going to just make me angry, and it's a giant waste of 30 minutes. I'm curious though. Maybe with a new batch of writers, it's funny again? Okay, so there's a 1% chance of that being true. But I'm watching it damnit. Although there's a pretty good chance I won't make it past minute 10.

A comment on the Dead that I've decided to make as its own post because if I just commented on Jared's post none of you fools would read it

2008-04-11T17:48:00.001-07:00

A pressing question for J. Two part question: Is uncle john's band in this grateful dead collection? If so, which version???

Now, a classic memory that I bet even J has forgotten: me making a lame joke about the grateful dead being from oklahoma because of the lyric "ripple in still water." Oh wait, that's not a lame joke- it's frickin hilarious.

PS the john adams miniseries rules. It's no wire, but good nonetheless. I bet for the next 30 years, elementary-high school students will watch this miniseries in their US history classes, and see some paul giamatti kick-assery.

Holy Lord Album Recommendations

2008-04-11T10:07:00.000-07:00

Holy Lord it'd be so sweet if the Feelies played Crazy Rhythms! By the way, everyone, that album is a fucking sterling masterpiece- it's absolutely perfect! Not that the Public Enemy and the Mission of Burma albums are anything to scoff at. I think I'm gonna go to the Pitchfork Festival.

We should have a charz2k festival with arts and crafts tables and face painting booths. No music, we all hate music. No bands, band members are always dicks.

I got some album recommendations for every person alive (dead not invited):

Chrome - Half-Machine Lip Moves/Alien Soundtracks (2 LP on 1 CD thingie!)

Psychic TV - Forcing the Hand of Chance

Sly & The Family Stone - There's A Riot Goin' On

Eric, dammit, you have to get that Sly album.

I'm so sad to hear about Whiskey. Quick story: he had been trained by the Garz family to stay away from the hard wood floors and to keep on the tile. One time we enticed him to slowly walk onto the hard woods and when he had finally gotten completely on them I said "Whiskey!! Get off of the hard wood floor!" and he quickly ran away in panic. He also enjoyed farting in rooms then leaving. Oh, and he had an awesome piggly tail.

RIP Whiskey

Pitchfork Music Festival!

2008-04-10T15:21:00.001-07:00

Pitchfork Music Festival is in a few months, and piece by piece the lineup is being revealed to the public. After excellent rosters in 2006 and 2007, 2008 has quite a bit to live up to (but will probably be better than Lollapalooza and Austin City Limits, regardless).

For the uninformed (if not only for the daylight, climb out from that rock you've been hiding under; you're no lizard): Pitchfork Music Festival is a 3-day indie rock extravaganza that since its inception in 2006 has been an annual Midwestern hipster pilgrimage destination. What's unique about the festival is that, aside from the bands and the cheap price and amazingly inexpensive bottled water, some hipsters actually even actually wear shorts! It's also not uncommon to see really colorful and close-fitting t-shirts with ironic slogans, band names/logos, swirly modern graphic designs, and the occasional vintage Cubs shirt. Those who don't wear shorts usually have tight jeans on, and some even have *gasp* cargo pants. Sometimes utility actually does eclipse fashion as a primary concern of the cool kids who are quick to utter quite potent doses contempt for the crass assumption that they actually give a shit about what you think. Oh yeah, and the shoes. Chuck Ts, Onitsuka Tiger, Pumas, or bare feet. There are no other options. Enough about stereotypes. I wear things that look like what I just talked about. I am a walking cliche (+10 for Shins reference).

The lineup usually spans the entire chronology of "indie rock", and includes performers who perform music that people who tend to like indie rock also like (or at least pretend to like so as to not appear close-minded, even though as J stated below many would probably instantly wince at the mention of the Grateful Dead--I've been guilty of this but am slowly getting better) such as indie pop, indie dance, indie jazz, indie electronic and indie world music. Past years have seen breakouts (Danielson, Man Man, CSS, Tapes 'N Tapes, Dan Deacon, Girl Talk, Deerhunter), veterans (Yo La Tengo, the New Pornographers, Spoon, Of Montreal, Silver Jews, Stephen Malkmus), and legends (Yoko Ono, Os Mutantes, Sonic Youth). There has been the quiet of Beach House, the completely opposite loud of Mastodon, the funky of Jamie Lidell, the perfectly sincere of Jens Lekman.

This year's lineup as it has been announced so far again offers something for everyone.

Friday, July 18:

Pitchfork Music Festival and All Tomorrow's Parties
present "Don't Look Back"

Public Enemy performing It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back

Mission of Burma performing Vs.
+ one more to be announced

Saturday, July 19:

Animal Collective
Jarvis Cocker
!!!
Vampire Weekend
Dizzee Rascal
Fleet Foxes
No Age
Jay Reatard
King Khan & His Shrines
Atlas Sound
The Ruby Suns
A Hawk and a Hacksaw
Occidental Brothers Dance Band International
+ many more!

Sunday, July 20:

Dinosaur Jr.

Spiritualized

M. Ward

Ghostface and Raekwon

The Apples in Stereo

Boris

+ many more!

Yeah, the formatting sucks. I don't know.

Anyway, I've got two predictions that, if true, would make this year's lineup infinitely more awesome than those of years past.

Prediction 1: The Black Lips. How perfect would the Lips be at the tail end of Saturday's dirty garagerockathon? Seriously. Atlas Sound, King Khan, Jay Reatard, No Age, and Black Lips? Fuckin' A!

Prediction 2: The Feelies just reunited. There is one slot open for "Don't Look Back" on Friday. Crazy Rhythms is one of the greatest albums ever recorded. You. Do. The. Math. That would be all kinds of amazing.

The Mother Lode- Grateful Dead Complete Winterland Recordings, 1973

2008-04-09T17:52:00.000-07:00

I am the guy at work who has to go and pick up the mail everyday at the downtown Tulsa post office. I go at about 9 am, and the <15 minutes I spend in the car I find myself flipping between the radio stations. It is amazing how many of the same songs I hear. I've gotten my limit of Nickelback's "Rock Star"- all I know are the lyrics "everyone's got a drug dealer on speed dial." There's a new band Paramore that I've discovered, and they are terrible. I've heard the same Spin Doctor's song from 1993 a few times, and what I can enjoy the most is "Our Song" on the country station by Taylor Swift, who's apparently like 18 years old. The best thing you can really ask for is something like a "Bullet with Butterfly Wings" or an "Interstate Love Song." I saw one of these typical rock stations was doing a March Madness bracket online, except instead of basketball teams they had their favorite rock bands. I think there was a Fuel/Korn matchup.

Why do I say this? Because the trip to the post office pretty much constitutes my entire music listening during the week. Until now, sucka! I've always been a Grateful Dead fan, and I'm not ashamed of it. The package on my door yesterday was a gold mine- Nov. 9, 10, 11 concerts from Winterland, San Francisco, 1973- a 9 disc feast, three for each show! Plus I got a 10th bonus disc for ordering before April 30! I wouldn't label myself a Deadhead; obviously I've never been to a GD concert. I think I was 12 when Garcia died, and I don't trade concert tapes or anything like that either. But I have more shows to say I go beyond just a casual fan.

First of all, what is better than getting CD's when their packaging is tip-top? This set comes in a nice box with psychedelic squiggles behind the skull logo. Each concert is in its own tri-sleeve case with the same pattern but different colors. And the box smells really great, too. I'm halfway through the second disc right now, watching the Card's beat up on the Astros, and the music is amazing. The sound quality is great- I can get bass, drums, boards, and both guitars crystal clear- a lot of times with my bad ear I can't hear at least one of the instruments very well. So far the solos and jams are real good, and there are 3 X "Bertha" in the collection, one on each night- a favorite of my favorite Dead tunes! There was a similar collection released awhile ago from the Fillmore West in 1969, and is now unavailable. I have seen it go for $600++ on eBay, another reason to pick up your copy of this box set today! Plus, I could possibly be convinced on any given day that 1973 is my favorite year for these guys.

It has been a lifelong dream of mine to write something about the Grateful Dead on charz2k, and I thought what better time to defame a perfectly good indie rock blog with something on this band. I feel like the Dead get a bad wrap sometimes. They must be one of the least pretentious bands ever, but can do more musically than 10 other bands combined. I've always found their sound to be the most colorful of any group; the jams can evolve into something as quality as, say, "Bitches Brew," but garner none of the latter's "coolness." I even like some of their other shorter songs, which some consider more as throwaways- but I dig the combination of folk and pyschedelia that they did so well. Their whole music is the perfect blend of country, rock, and jazz- like John Wayne on his horse meeting up with Neal Cassidy's Hudson in the middle of the 1960's San Francisco Haight. Bottom line- you can keep all your Animal Collectives and Arcade Fires, I'll take this any day of the week. This and maybe Slanted and Enchanted.

Songs of the Day

2008-04-07T09:52:00.001-07:00

Happy Monday! Garfield the cat disagrees with me (he hated Mondays), and I disagree with myself too. Mondays suck. I've never listened to the Happy Mondays, but even if they were great I don't think I could come to like Mondays.

Anyway, I've got a few songs that are Monday-appropriate. They're all a few years old and all have some sort of intangible lingering hint of melancholy in the melodies. There are only three I could immediately think of:

Enon - Natural Disasters
Stars - Set Yourself on Fire
Crystal Skulls - Airport Motels

Also, my family dog was put to sleep yesterday. It kind of came out of nowhere (his spleen ruptured yesterday afternoon because of an undetected tumor) and I'm bummed, but not as much as I should be. What's wrong with me?

R.I.P. Whiskey (1997?-2008).

Xiu Xiu, The Conservatory, Oklahoma City, OK 4/2/08

2008-04-03T07:56:00.000-07:00

I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to drive all the way to Oklahoma City last night after I got off work to see Xiu Xiu. The show started at 8:00, there were two openers so it would be late when I got back, and I would be driving upstream from Tulsa to OKC into pouring rain. But I decided I did want to go- got there early, and had a McD’s fish sandwich, and headed to the Conservatory.
I’d never been there before, and I know there are certainly dumpier concert venues that I don’t know of because I don’t go to that many shows, but this was a pretty good dive. It felt like an abandoned building- no ceiling, open air pipes hanging above you like in Super Mario Bros., scant lighting of only a few random bulbs or stage lights, and around my feet I think I could discern 4 different types of flooring in my 2 foot standing radius: broken up tile, scraped up tile, ripped up carpet, and concrete. Not necessarily saying this scores negative points for the venue, but it’s just all I have to look at for an hour because I discovered the show actually starts at 9:00.
There is a small record store right next door to the venue and I rummaged around in there for awhile. I ended up buying a Circulatory System CD because I think I heard Garz say that band was good some years ago! Anyways, Xiu Xiu came in the store and was looking around at stuff before the show too. I’ll just cut to the chase and say they came on stage around 11:00 and I don’t feel worthy of reviewing their music. I know Jamie Stewart has had more heart-wrenching experiences in life that I can only dream about and this emotion comes through in their music; someone I would say fits the definition of artist to the fuller definitions of the word. The tunes to my amateur ear seem to swell between Stewart’s fragile vocals and violent onslaughts of instrumental noise. Much of their music can be unsettling at times, like a brick thrown at you. At the beginning of the show they turned the house lights off and just had the colored stage lights, but Stewart quickly told the manager it was better with them on. So they played in the light and they could see us as much as we could see them, as starkly open and honest as the music itself.
I was worried maybe the OKC crowd was lackluster for Xiu Xiu- there was genuine applause after songs, but what do you do in the interim before the next one? Cheer and holler to request the next brick? The venue almost got eerily silent in these intermissions. The stage was a festival of instruments, stuff that I don’t even know the names of. Stewart had a combination of like 5-6 cymbals and gongs in front of him, and a little snare or two. McElroy played keyboards, flutes, percussion, something that looked like an accordion. I won’t even try to chop up their material by throwing out abstract adjectives or comparisons, I wouldn’t do it justice. If you’ve heard the band I hope you know what I can’t fairly describe and if you don’t I do recommend their music. It is experimental but for me it consistently seems to have a purpose, not just weird for the sake of it. Is Xiu Xiu my new favorite band? Probably not, not if you mean exactly how many times I actually spin their records. Something like the Black Lips is obviously just an easier listen. But they are possibly one of my more admired or respected bands as musical artists. The performance hits hard and I am sure I don’t entirely get it, but I certainly appreciate it. I told Stewart thanks for the show as he was packing up his equipment, shook hands with him, and headed home, and I am really glad I went.

The Worst Beer in the World

2008-04-02T14:30:00.000-07:00

I'm no connoisseur, but when it comes to drinking beer I usually like to maintain a decent standard. This almost always eliminates beverages sold in 30-packs of cans, sold individually in bottles of 32oz or more, and virtually all malt liquor. In fact, I tend to avoid any variety of canned beer altogether.

This past weekend, however, I was thinking of economy over quality and I succumbed to the evils of "that section" of the beer aisle and dropped about $14 on a 30-rack of Old Style. I had been jonesing for a PBR, but sadly the Copps on Park St. doesn't carry beers that nice. So Old Style it was. And after having already downed a few bottles of imports and micros, it wasn't as terrible as it could have been. But it was still pretty bad and it's not something I'm likely to do again in the near future.

Now let's talk about Danny. Danny likes decent beers (I've seen him drink them!), but when the order of the night is home-based boozing and general hangouttery (and there isn't enough in the house already to keep all parties adequately imbibed) he inevitably wanders to "that section" of the grocery store to pick up a 6-pack of 16-oz cans of the Worst Beer in the World.

Nope, it's not Natty (Ice, Light, etc), or Keystone (all varieties), Miller, Busch, Blatz (up north) or any of the preferred beers of the guys whose favorite season isn't summer, but rather "cargo shorts and flip-flops time". It's not Lonestar, or Schlitz (which holds the same special spot in my heart that Carlo Rossi does, but I'll likely not ever drink either of them again), or even fucking Milwaukee's Best (false advertising!)!

It's Olde English. And according to ratebeer.com (which is an awesome site), Olde English is the absolute worst beer in the world. It's even ranked below every type of non-alcoholic and low-alcohol beer.

Danny, please start drinking better beer. http://www.ratebeer.com/Ratings/TheWorstBeers.asp

Review - Sam's April Fools' Day Joke on Me

2008-04-01T19:46:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the internet, no one is safe from jokes on the first day of April. The first cruel joke played on me today was the weather: high temperature of 39 and snow flurries. It's fucking APRIL!!! Besides that the day progressed without incident (unless you count getting Rickroll'd a few times as incident, which I don't because Rickrolling is my favorite internet phenomenon [did you hear that LoLcats? Fuck LoLcats.]) until I got a facebook message from Sam saying that he'd written his first charz2k article ever. I was legitimately floored. SAM posted an article? No way. No FUCKING way.

I checked. There was no article.

How do you deal with heartbreaking situations? You respond via facebook, telling him he should post that amazing article he wrote! Then you wait, and check again a few minutes later. If you're me, you get to suffer the indignation of being April Fools'd after you'd come to expect if from every other possible angle. But from Sam? I didn't expect that at all. Check mate, man, you fucking got me.

Anti-bears: 4.8. You fucking got me!

Bears: 2.5. You didn't Rickroll me. Douche.

To Eric:

2008-04-01T16:42:00.001-07:00

April Fools.

Love, Sam

The origin of identity theft

2008-03-27T14:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, as a joke, a co-worker of mine picked me up an application for employment at Chinmi, which is a restaurant that serves "Asian and American food" that also happens to be attached to a gas station. One trip to their buffet is enough to make you sick, and it only takes a few bites of the food to make you scrap the rest of what's on your plate and decide to go somewhere else for lunch. While the food description explains the joke of the application, it is an unnecessary digression and I should get back to the point. This application that my friend picked up, was already filled out. By "already filled out", I mean that I now have in my possession a man's name, address, phone number, social security number, and previous work history. Honest mistake? Nope. Apparently the clerk's reaction to the application was "just white it out and write over it". I thought about calling the applicant to let him know he wasn't getting the job at Chinmi, but I thought better of it.

Weekend shows!

2008-03-27T13:22:00.000-07:00

Tonight, 3/27, the Mekons open for Gary Louris (formerly of the Jayhawks) at the Barrymore Theater in Madison. Ignoring the injustice of having the band who has professed to be the only band to have stayed together throughout the entire history of punk to open for a guy who used to be in the Jayhawks, a moderately successful band who plays in a genre the Mekons pioneered (alt-country, for the uninformed), this show has great potential to be a lot of fun. I'm not feeling too great though (I'm getting a cold, and having just gotten back from vacation has set off a series of angry internal outbursts related to my current [and seemingly unchanging] employment situation which has gone so far as to affect my motivation for finding something else to do and somewhere else to go), and I have pre-existing plans that do not involve spending $20 to see a band full of old guys perform a short opening set before what I think will be some boring alt-country singer-songwriter stuff. Whether this ends up being the show of the century or not I somehow don't imagine I'll ever really regret not going. Despite my current mood, Fear and Whiskey is an amazing record, and you should listen to it.

Tomorrow, 3/28, Stars and some other guy are also playing at the Barrymore Theater in Madison. I haven't listened to them much in the past two years, which was pretty much since soon after we had them at the Gargoyle (at Wash U in St. Louis) and managed to get the band to come to a pretty intimate house party after the show (this was the week Danny came to St. Louis for a visit, too!) where Torq got high and iPod DJ'd a bunch of Smiths songs and "Teenage Kicks" while we drank PBR and hung out with the rest of the band. That was a good night, and remembering it makes me excited someone at work had an extra ticket and sold it to me for $15, which is about $7 or 8 less than I would have had to pay if I went through conventional means. Tomorrow is also Friday night, which means as soon as I leave work it'll be the part of the week where there is the longest period of time before I have to go to work again, and that makes me happy as well. I hope they play "Set Yourself on Fire", because I love that song.

Sunday, 3/30, Jens Lekman's coming! He played Pitchfork Fest in 2006 and had a horns section comprised of very cute Swedish women. His loungey indiepop can seem slow at times, but it's full of heart and wit and catchy melodies that can win over anyone without an ADD attention span. If you don't believe me listen to "Pocket Full of Money" and then furiously check to make sure you haven't missed his show in or near your town.

Garz: A Critical Review. Madison, WI 2/28-3/1, 2008

2008-03-24T09:43:00.000-07:00

Garz performs every night up in Wisconsin. After a year and a half I decided to make the drive to go see Garz at the end of a blistery winter. The actual admission was free and I was able to sleep on Garz's floor in his two bedroom apartment, the blaring techno music ("Pump up the Jam") of his neighbors downstairs bothering me not in the least bit. Garz's apartment venue is pretty sweet and I dig the wood floors and overall coziness, and the thrift store photos of random people from the 1970's adorning the walls.

Garz started off with a bang by pulling out the Adventures of Pete n' Pete DVD's right on the first night. They were killer episodes, one of them where little Pete discovers his favorite song by Polaris (this info coming from Garz), and the song is still stuck in my head to this day ("I was around! Nobody knows, Nobody knows!") Then Garz followed up with some Mega Man classic video games. It was an awesome opening night.

The next day I was able to watch some terrible television with Garz, but even Garz has the ability to transform the awful into something grand. "What Not to Wear" and "The Dog Whisperer" were two standout highlights. Garz doesn't fear the cold nor the rowdy University of Wisconsin students, and he took me to some record stores near campus. He talked me into buying like 8 or 9 CD's, too. We went to the in-store performance of the Black Lips at Mad City Music Exchange. I dug "Boomerang" the most, and the songs sounded good stripped down. This also provided the only chance for me to actually "see" the band, as at the University venue the stage was low and it was so crowded I couldn't look at the band too much. Anyhow, on the way to the main show Garz demonstrates he can draw a real crowd, as we met up with 5-6 of his Madisonite friends. The show was great although Garz was disappointed with the sound. It included a Miss Pussycat puppet show beforehand, which was entirely incoherent and absurd. The crowd was somewhat obnoxious and a campus security lady's attempt at calming people down was worthless.

Garz really knows how to push the limits of what can be done in Madison. We ventured out to Middleton for some legendary chicken tenders, and then took in a Jack Black movie at the theatre. My Garz experience wound down with a few Saved by the Bell episodes and then some confetti cake baked by his next door neighbor, and hanging out with them across the hallway.

I would recommend Garz to pretty much anyone. His only real performance faults are occasional complete lapses in attention, like when he claimed not to have noticed the big fat guy who took his shirt off and was dancing behind the Black Lips for most of the show, or when he didn't realize there was in fact a merchandise booth at the gig, or when he let the wind blow his bag of records out of his hand and into a huge puddle. At any rate, Garz is an improvisational artist so you may not get the same experience if you head up to Mad-town today as you would yesterday, but it's a cool deal whether you end up hitting the streets of the big city with Garz or if you stay in watching Caddyshack and snarfing a whole pack of mint creme Oreo's.

For The Wire

2008-03-11T16:05:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite bands is Wire.

My favorite TV show is the Wire. Not one of my favorites. It's just my favorite, definitively. It's surprising that I'm the first one to post on the show as I am pretty sure at least one of our contributors feels the same way. Watch the show. After seasons one and two you may start thinking "this could be the greatest show I've ever seen on television." After seasons three and four (especially four) all doubts will be exorcised. Season five, the final season, just wrapped up the show nicely. The Wire is pure literature in that its writing possesses all the characteristics I appreciate in good literature: grit, heart, beauty, and a few other clichéd terms I could use . It doesn't overreach and it always seems to casually ("casually"= evidence of quality writing, this sentence=self referential) stumble onto undeniable brilliance every episode.

My personal favorite Wire moment is season four's scene in which Bunk has a one-on-one conversation with Omar.

I've cried while watching the Wire a few times. But I'm a pretty emotional guy with strong feminine tendencies (hah).

K, back to writing my paper about the federal budgeting cycle (yay!)

ta ta,
Daniel

Re-Up Gang - We Got It For Cheap Vol. 3

2008-03-06T15:39:00.000-08:00

You know what I've been missing out on for waaaay too long? Cigarettes. I've just started inhaling them and it feels real real good. I can see how so many people use them to relax. American Spirits are the best I think. It's like the indie rock label of cigarettes. That's either cool or uncool depending on your perspective. Personally, it's an annoying concept to me. Like Jones Soda...oooo you guys are so hip. Whatever, get fucked. Give me a good old Coke.

If you like your rap filled with drugs and cursing, this Re-Up Gang album is right here for you. Go get it. Did you know you can get music for free? You can just download it. It's so great. You musicians won't get any sympathy from me. You want me to fund your law school aspirations you'd better sort out my taxes or tutor me or something. Go to grad school on your own dime, bitch. You think any of us want to pay you for having fun (Vampire Weekend, I'm looking at you)?! Get real! "Bitch I sell 'caine!"

Says the Re-Up Gang. This album is cool because it sports pretty mature rhymes about adult subject matters, like moving bricks and totin' gats. Now that I've seen all of the Wire episodes I know what they're talking about.

God I wish I could find this album in a screwed and chopped mix. Oh daaaymn it'd sound so hot. All sloooowwwed down and stuff. It's got the intelligence of underground inspirational type rap with the street knowledge of a group of corner boys who "push chronic on customers daily."

I can only listen to the likes of Gang Starr and Jurassic 5 for so long (so long = 5 minutes). Sure they got the mic skills and the beats but they look like pussies next to Clipse and the rest of the not-so-noteworthy Re-Up Gang. In short, I like my rap to be about the streets, not about the pressures that come with a small dorm room, tough concepts in thermo dynamics, linguistic rarities, and history of the United States to 1877.

It's also not ostentatious and I like that. Usually I just like the H-Town rap (more specifically Screwed Up Click rap...not Swishahouse {I think Chamillionaire and Slim Thug and Paul Wall suck}). But this is good, though it's from Virginia Beach,VA.

My strategy for reviews: play the album in iTunes while typing a review. It's really quite ridiculous.

So if you like your rap filled with drugs...

already covered that.

Now I'm going to listen to the album Deaf by Foetus (You've Got Foetus On Your Breath).

I'm also starting to realize that Neutral Milk Hotel is wicked overrated. This is the time of the anti-intellectual backlash and I'm jumping on the bandwagon and I'm building a house in the back of said wagon. I don't want to have to think anymore. Stop being so smart.

Danyil

Liars with guests No Age, Clubhouse Music Venue, Tempe, AZ 2/20/08

2008-02-25T07:48:00.000-08:00

I am going to make this a brief review as I am writing during work break. First let me say that I don't think I could live in the Phoenix area. I like more extremes between the four seasons, and the desert atmosphere is cool for awhile but I'd rather look at trees long term than cacti. There aren't as many cacti in town though, as to me Phoenix seems like a sprawling mass of communities like Tempe, Mesa, Glendale, Scottsdale, ect. And it has some heavy hitting major league traffic, too. But that's just my opinion. Obviously I'm in the minority.

That said, I dig Arizona for a few days, and I made it out to see Liars. Honestly, the venue was not my fave. It was practically in a shopping center/strip mall, with a sports bar to the left, a vacant area to the right for lease, and a 7-11 in front of it. And the name "Clubhouse Music Venue" seems too general to me, and I could never remember what order those three words were supposed to be in, but they are so vague and bland to be almost interchangeable.

Inside though, it was fine. I had heard of the openers No Age before, and I thought they were real good. Two guys, a drummer and a guitarist, and their songs were quirky to remain interesting despite the minimalism, and not just playing the same riff all the way through. I bought their CD inbetween them and Liars. I hadn't refreshed my memory of the Liars' material I own before I came, having been months since I listened to them. I didn't know what to prepare for, but they definitely exceeded any nebulous expectations. I am not a music expert or even a moderate critic, but Liars have the best percussion section of anyone I can think of lately. Their best moments to me come when the drums entirely carry the melody. They actually have two percussionists banging away sometimes, while the guitar seems to add cool feedback type sounds, and their lead singer in a red suit beats away at the air like a combination of a drunken sailor and a madman during these songs, and it comes across very primal, perhaps like a Tago Mago Can hypnotism, although there's dust on that album in my mind as well. When Liars try slightly more straightforward guitar based melodies (albeit never clean/poppy sounding) it doesn't do as much for me. My favorite Liars tunes I recall in my head by the drums and percussion bits.

Mystery of the night: What do guys carry around in backpacks at these shows? I see two or three guys at these things all the time with packs. If you told me to fill up a backpack with stuff I couldn't dream up 2 things to put in it. Last time I carried one was to tote my Magic cards around to tournaments and trade. Because I'm cool like that.

Antibears- 3.5. Solid show and probably exaggerated because I wasn't expecting such a good one. Unparalled drums. Cool frontman who was very entertaining. A great pulsing sound.

Bears- 2.0. Venue didn't have tons of character in my mind. I understand indie bands don't have tons of material but I could've taken one or two more songs.

Great albums

2008-02-19T20:18:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while I completely lose my mind. This doesn't mean that I start freaking out and acting like an idiot, but instead that I think about nothing at all (except for thinking about thinking about nothing). Actually I think about a lot, or at least a few things over and over, but nothing I'd care to share on charz2k (I'm boring and you'd think me quite the lame-wad). What I do care to share are some albums that are definitely worth checking out:

The Feelies - Crazy Rhythms. Covering the Beatles and besting the original!? Yep.

Magazine - The Correct Use of Soap. I get into these stupid elitist fits where I won't listen to more albums from an artist who has an album or two that I really love because I think there's no way it could be as good as the best, let alone good. I tend to think this a lot about bands who were popular in the late 70s/early 80s, because a lot of them followed up some truly monumental albums with absolute shit. This is not the case with Magazine, or this album. It's a great complement to Real Life and Secondhand Daylight.

Magnetic Fields - Holiday. Seriously. I'll be on vacation when Merritt and his lackeys take up residence in Chicago for six shows. I'm bummed about that. I also play "In My Secret Place" a ridiculous number of times.

Ultravox - Vienna. This is one of those dark synthy early 80s albums that makes you wish you wore all black and walked around shady neighborhoods in the LES to get to some awesome club with purple strobe lights and crazy haircuts.

Now, a gift for you: mp3s of all of those albums!

I Just Had a Good Dream

2008-02-02T03:36:00.000-08:00

Not sure if the clock on this blog will accurately reflect this, but it is about 5:45 this Saturday morning. I just woke up from a dream. It seemed like the best dream ever at the time but now I am half asleep, I can only remember a third of it, and I can't see to type. Anyhow....

I went into a partnered business with Garz and moved up to Wisconsin. He knew two girls from college who were going to go into the business with us, and we rode this gargantuan subway thoughout this metropolis to go meet up with them, and they were both really hot. Hats off to Garz for that one. Our job was to sit around and hang out in our office all day, and go to whatever concerts and listen to whatever CD's so we could review them for some publication that didn't specifically matter much in the dream. We went to a Black Lips' show first and I must have known how to actually operate a computer in the dream because I remember I even bootlegged recorded it and had it on iTunes later on so I could burn a CD.

We got a down period where there weren't many shows, so we went out exploring. I guess "Wisconsin" turned into "Wyoming" in my dream, because I remember being out in the middle of nowhere with mountains or something and thinking we had switched to Wyoming. It was Wyoming of old settlers days, and we (Garz, me, two women coworkers) ran into this drunken General on a horse. He kept galloping back and forth in the prairie trying to catch a hawk floating around in the sky, and I had to keep dodging him so he wouldn't trample me.

I guess the drunken General inspired me to try to catch a bald eagle in a butterfly net. I kept getting really close, up to a foot close to him one time on his perch, but never could get it. Then I guess I made the eagle really mad and he swooped down and was gliding straight towards me angrily, and that's when I woke up.

Sorry if this makes no sense. I don't know why I was so inspired to actually get out of bed and open my computer and write this right now. But I couldn't go back to sleep. I feel pretty lame so I'm going back to bed.

Working Late Isn't Always So Bad (Confessions of a Slacker, Linklater style)

2008-01-23T19:46:00.000-08:00

Right now I am at work, waiting for a co-worker who I’m supposed to take home. This isn’t a big deal (so don’t read that first line and interpret any hint of resentment in my voice, because it’s legitimately not there) as there’s a big deadline coming up and we’re all really busy. Since I reached a stopping point, though, I’m not about to dig into some huge task that I can’t devote enough attention to at the moment.

Staying late tonight was somewhat part of a coordinated team “late work night”, but if you’re like me and have spent every night this week (and most of last week) holed up in your office, then it’s just another night except for the solidarity you’re supposed to feel by all being here together. To do my part in contributing to the feeling of solidarity, I rounded up two of my co-workers to go grab a bite outside of the compound walls instead of having pizza with the team. Why would I not grab free pizza? First of all, I had free pizza last night with co-workers who stayed late, and also last Wednesday when we had one of these coordinated it’s-not-so-bad-if-we’re-all-here-right? kind of nights. Second, work is much better when you don’t have to deal with certain people, even if it’s in the context of free pizza.

Recently I’ve discovered that staying late isn’t so bad. I like working at night better than I do during the day, and the absence of the annoyances associated with having a company’s full staff present allows me to get exponentially more work done. (Thus, when it’s a “team” effort, the benefits of staying late tend to evaporate in the pretense of “bonding”). Also, sometimes I bring in my laptop so I can watch DVDs or movies, which makes work seem not so bad. No one’s ever contested me on this, and if they do I’ll just state that I’m spending extra time at the office, my fucking time, so I’ll work with whatever kind of atmosphere I damn well please. I may start doing this during the day.

Tonight I’m watching Slacker, which is Richard Linklater’s ode to the legitimately unique early 1990s Austin mentality. This was a time when the “Keep Austin Weird” bumper stickers weren’t ironic or sarcastic, and “weird” didn’t mean “still has a few coffee shops that aren’t Starbucks”.

Whenever I watch this movie (tonight’s only the second time) I get the sense that Austin is where I belong and I should just drop everything to move there immediately. I also get that feeling when SXSW is approaching, which is hardly coincidence. It also happens that SXSW is approaching at this very time, and maybe it was the last time I watched Slacker. However, this time I’m seeing the city as it’s portrayed in the movie and am fearful of the effects that the socialites outpriced from California may or may not be having on the city. While there’s still plenty of individualism and character in Austin, the city certainly ain’t what it used to be. The same can be said for SXSW, which is now something of an alternative spring break for hipsters (I am guilty of this) instead of a cool local thing.

The Austin that you see in the film is full of an academic underclass of disaffected 20-somethings so overwhelmed with conspiracy theories and political paranoia that they’ve created a society in which so many are avoiding working for the “man” that everyone gets along quite splendidly. Where are these characters nowadays? I guess there are still a few, and they probably aren’t as identifiable when the only time you go to the city is when there are thousands of people just like you, wearing tight jeans, Chuck Taylors (or the slightly hipper Onitsuka Tigers) and t-shirts of the bands that are cool, used to be cool, or are so uncool that they are now VERY cool.

In any case, there’s a certain “vibe” projected from Austin that you just can’t match anywhere else. I live in Madison, which is endlessly compared to Austin, but sadly the vibe is altogether absent. I feel like everything in Austin is different. The air feels different. A walk down the street feels better and somewhat fresher that in other places. Austin doesn’t even have my ideal city layout (it’s pretty spread out and there are some areas that are extremely suburban and nauseatingly generic) and I still only get this feeling there.

Some interesting observations:

In the background after the scene where the father is telling the daughter about the thief who persisted in the notion that there could be another person who looked like him, had the same hair, fingerprints, and name who in fact stole whatever it was the shopkeep accused him of, there is a truck with a sign promoting “Ron Paul, Libertarian for President”. In other parts of the film a few of the transitional group of protagonists are spouting off complaints about Bush, though in this case it’s H.W. Whoever said history repeats itself wasn’t fucking kidding.

Also, in this one part there are bottles of Shiner Bock on the table, and it has a much cooler label in that scene than the beer does now. Shiner, if you can believe it, used to be a Texas beer!

And finally, that one broke ass guy’s band is playing at the Continental Club, which is the essence of Austin. It’s hip because it’s on South Congress (is the current location the original?), and it’s always cool to see places you know in movies.

Music From the Protozoan Era: Junior High

2008-01-23T16:56:00.000-08:00

So I am writing another article; mine may not be grand but seeing how often things are posted on this site, I don't feel guilty about taking up too much copy space.
I have all my music CD's in two cabinets in my room. Most of these are what I have listened to in the modern age, which I define as high school onward and began with Guns 'N Roses' Appetite for Destruction. Before this period was "everything else" that went on beforehand. Those CD's are on a back shelf in my closet, and I wanted to share them with you. This prehistoric period started with the soundtrack to Wayne's World, which was the first CD I ever got. Here are a few other selections:

The Toadies, Rubberneck: My cousin had this CD first, and I heard it when he came to Oklahoma to visit. I thought my cousin was the coolest because he had more than 25 CD's.

Bush, Sixteen Stone: This was when I never listened to a whole CD, but only the single that was
popular at the time. "Little Things" was cool, then I heard "Come Down" and "Everything Zen" on the radio. Those sounded good, I could listen to those now. Then came "Machinehead," and man, the CD just kept getting better! Then I saw the "Glycerine" video- that was on the CD too?!

Stone Temple Pilots, Core: Scott Weiland was cool and still is. I remember orginally hearing "Dead and Bloated" when I was in fourth grade, in my neighbor's garage with the "bigger, older kids." I was intimidated by them because they rode skateboards.

Spice Girls, Spice: Yep, I won't lie to you. In 7th grade Emma "Baby Spice" Bunton was the most gorgeous looking girl I had ever seen.

Offspring, Smash: For some reason our junior high drama teacher let Justin in our grade play this over the theatre's PA during class. If you remember the record, you know why it quickly got taken off.

Goldfinger, Goldfinger: At that point I thought "Here in Your Bedroom" was the best song ever. Now if something has an ounce of ska in it I run away like it's the plague.

Gravity Kills, Gravity Kills: I thought I was cool to listen to something so heavy.

Nirvana, In Utero: My dad will never forget. At our little league baseball game, Brad's mom told my dad "Oh Brad is just devastated! Just heartbroken! I'm so worried about him. I hope he doesn't become depressed." My dad says "Why?" She says Kurt Cobain died. My dad says "Who's Kurt Cobain?" She says he is the singer in a band that Brad likes. My dad is speechless.

Mr. Mirainga, Mr. Mirainga: Has anyone else heard of this besides me?

Well, thanks for letting me share. I hope maybe some of them you can identify with, and let me know which ones I missed. On a heavier note, on the way home from work today, I stopped to try a "Big Okie Burger" at this place in town that's been there on Route 66 for years. Four patties=1 pound of burger. The first half was the best burger I've ever had, the second half one of the worst. I told my sister if I die of a heart attack, just write "It had to be done" on the grave.

The Freewheelin' Yo La Tengo- Randy Bacon Art Gallery, Springfield, MO Jan. 19, 2008

2008-01-20T15:27:00.000-08:00

So, based upon my enjoyment of the Yo La Tengo show last spring in Tulsa, I decided to drive 2 1/2 hours to Springfield to catch them last night at the Randy Bacon Art Gallery. I have never been to a show in an art gallery and must say that I was intrigued by the idea. It was in downtown Springfield, and I would say it was more a gallery of photography than paintings, and looked like a pretty cool place. There were pictures hanging all around, and I couldn't really tell if any of them were for sale or how the whole place operated, but it made for a pretty cool venue. It was no smoking obviously but they did have a bar and everything like a regular venue, with a few seats at the front but I chose to stand at the back, which was probably only 30 feet from the stage anyhow.
I walk in and immediately shell out $8 for a poster (a promo poster specific to the show tonight) because I am a sucker for posters like that, and I have paid plenty more than $8 for them in the past. Then, I fortuitously get it autographed by Ira and Georgia themselves at the merch table!!! This merits the alliteration: "Already Anti-Bears are abounding."
I didn't entirely love the opener, Kurt Wagner, but I give him credit for sounding original on his acoustic guitar. I was worried because this was a nearly acoustic show with Yo La Tengo, and I had my doubts about if it would be as great as a fully electric show. Such doubts quickly evaporated- this was one of the coolest shows I have ever been to. The Yo La's were sitting down for the entire show, Georgia was playing on a minimal drum kit primarily with brushes, and they came out, played three songs including "Bean Bag Chair" and then pronounced that they had exhausted their "Springfield material." They then opened it up to the audience and took requests and answered questions, back and forth after every song throughout the night- I was actually surprised at how well they handled questions; they seem like a real easy-going and funny band.
They didn't play every request, but nearly all. Someone asked for "Oklahoma, USA" which I would have liked hearing, but they didn't play it. It was the most personal concert environment I have experienced, so much so that in the middle of "Last Days of Disco" people entering in the back of the venue were almost a distraction; it was so quiet. They did crank up the volume on songs like "Little Honda" and "Sugarcube" (both requests), and the Yo La Tengo distortion came through all electric (perhaps my favorite Yo La Tengo moment is during a song that sounds really fragile and ethereal like it could fall apart any minute, yet Ira goes ahead and puts a real sloppy and wailing distorted solo into the mix and it still all hangs together).
I give James McNew credit for having the best head-bob for a bass player, he looks real serious but all jolly at the same time. Other highlights for me included "Stockholm Syndrome," "Mr. Tough," "Black Flowers," and "Upside Down." As always after concerts, I can never remember them distinctly, or exact setlists, or what everything sounded like. But here are the final gradings:
BEARS: 1.5 -for two drunk guys making too much noise, particularly during "Mr. Tough," and some bears for no heavy electric- I was looking forward to a blaring version of "Pass the Hatchet..."
ANTIBEARS: 5.0 -I know it's pretty lame to give maximum Antibears, but I can't imagine when I'll see another show quite like this one. All the songs translated really well to a stripped down version, and I didn't expect the question and answer/interactive aspects of the show. Not many bands can pull this off. I don't know when any other show could garner full Antibear credit from me, or what I would hold such acclaim back for. And in an art gallery at that, who would have thought?

ATONEMENT

2008-01-17T12:34:00.000-08:00

I don't think I need to remind everyone the buzz about this movie. 82% favorable Rotten Tomatoes rating (quite high), a favorite to win multiple awards, etc. But let me be plain and concise: this movie SUCKED.

I mean, it really sucked. It didn't just fail to live up to my high expectations. It wasn't "just okay." It really, truly sucked. It was god-awful. Everyone involved in the production of this film should consider some serious atonement for me and others having to sit through this piece of garbage. I can't recall a time where I've gone to the movies and been more bored. Even the scenes of WWII were extremely boring. I've never seen war depicted more boringly. Yes, the war wasn't too central to the movie, and yes it was a romance, but still. And don't comment on the brilliance of the beach shot at Dunkirk. Yawn.

And no, I'm not some guy who can't appreciate an artistic movie. My girlfriend agreed with me 100% on the crappiness of this film. Which begs the question, how can so many critics see a movie one way, and all be so totally wrong? I recently heard someone comment on the fact that rotten tomatoes may be creating a groupthink phenomenon among critics. Essentially, no critic wants to be the one who disagrees with the mass, for fear of appearing wrong. I didn't agree with that theory when I heard it, and I still don't think I do. But how else can so many people who critique movies for a living be so wrong? I just don't know. I really don't. I won't get into plot details, although I hope that no one who reads this review sees the movie.

I think I need a nap now to cool down from all this ranting. I could go on and on, but why just make myself madder? DON'T SEE THIS! That's all you need to know.

(6bears- the off the scale mark is due to the fact that this shitty movie made us miss the first 35 minutes of project runway this week---- 1anti bear because the music was nice and it was visually nice)

Black Lips!

2008-01-04T18:12:00.000-08:00

Charz2k band of 2007 are making a bid for being the band of 2008, too. After their show at Milwaukee's Mad Planet club a Black Lip (singular) told my posse that the band would not be playing SXSW. My response to this was to tell him to "come to Madison".

Checking the band's upcoming tour schedule, one can clearly see that they listened to me:

BLACK LIPS at the Rathskeller, Madison, WI on FEB. 29, 2008!!!

If it weren't enough that they're playing here, it's on fucking leap year day. LEAP YEAR DAY. 2008 is going to be great. Goal: get the Black Lips to agree to play in Buenos Aires so I can see them when I'm living there.