What have I been thinking all along? I love the Cubs, they're great. To think that I could ever harbor hatred for them so much now seems preposterous for me.
Zambrano, I love you. (Can I call you Dr. Z?) I love how until April of 2009 you will only be able to give your lame tirades in your own house and destroy your own property and act like a baby where no one has to see you.
Edmonds, I love you. Thanks for acting like you hate the Cardinals now and all your years there didn't mean anything. Thanks for being the experienced post season player that was supposed to join the Cubs and lead them through the playoffs. It would have been better for you to hang up your cleats before you decided to play for Chicago.
Cubs fans, I love you. Thank you for always griping. I am sure this series will give you a cornucopia of places to lay blame and fault. I'd would have much rather let that goat stay in the stadium back in 1945 than let Zambrano anywhere near Wrigley. Seems as though there are multiple goats up on the northside nowadays. As for the curse itself, you ejected a guy for bringing his farm animal into the stadium- what did you think was going to happen?
Bears: 0.0. The Cubs, by definition, don't even qualify as true Bears.
But above all things, I love this fan at Dodger Stadium. The cameras showed him in the heat of the moment in the bottom of the 9th as the Dodgers rounded up a huge upset of the Cubs:
A few days ago I was doing some laundry and flipping through channels, late morning on a weekday. Even with cable, this is ghost-town time for tv unless you like soap operas, home shopping, trashy talk shows, or George Lopez. While I wouldn't wish Sr. Lopez or soap operas on my worst enemy, and home shopping shows never have anything I like, sometimes daytime talk shows are televised gold. The one I watched on this particular day was perhaps the most famous of the trashy talk shows, guided by the "Ringmaster" himself, The Jerry Springer Show.
Now, I only managed to tune in to see the final five or ten minutes of the program, but I am not exaggerating when I say it was probably the best five or ten minutes of continuous television I have ever watched*.
I walked in on a scene with this very vocal middle-aged woman yelling at her daughter for sticking by her man, a dapper young man with aspirations of military service. Jerry Springer, noticing a flaw in the gentleman's plans is quick to point out that you need a high school education (or equivalent) to join the Marines (is this true? I have no idea, but I trust Jerry). Of course he and his girl have thought of that already and she gets all defensive and points out that he's getting a GED so it's all good. Jerry: "Well then. It's hard to believe we're LOSING over there!**" Audience/me: uproar. It's so true! This guy's a dumbass and he's going to be part of the face of our military operations. Oh, the tragedy.
Next, Jerry announces that there's going to be a spelling competition. Naturally, this is going to be good. The producer, whose name I do not know now that it is no longer Steve Wilkos*** pulls the redneck guy and the angry mother of the girlfriend onto the stage, front and center, to compete against each other in a battle of what little and questionable mastery of the written English language each has to offer. I'm going to write this out dialogue-style so I don't muddle it up with excess verbosity, and because it stands so brilliantly on its own.
Producer (to the mother): "First word, 'Loudmouth, as in---'" Mother (speaking quickly): "L-O-U-D-M-O-U-T-H" Producer: "Ma'am, you have to wait. I'll use the word in a sentence for you" Mother: "Oh, ok" Producer: "Your word is 'loudmouth', as in 'You are a loudmouth'." Audience: chuckles Mother (slower than before): "L-O-U-D-M-O-U-T-H" Producer: "Correct". (Now, to redneck guy): "Your word is 'hillbilly', as in 'has anyone ever called you a hillbilly before?" Audience: laughs Redneck (looks confused, doesn't quite know why audience is laughing): "H-I-L-L-B-I-L-L-Y" Daughter: looks proud Producer (to mother): "Wait for it this time. Your next word is 'annoying', as in, 'most of the members of this audience think you are really annoying'" Audience: laughs Mother (defiantly): "A-N-N-O-Y-I-N-G" Producer (to redneck): "Your next word is 'dentist', as in 'Before you leave Chicago, you should visit a dentist'" Audience and Mother: uproar Redneck: "D-E-N-I-S-T" Producer: "I'm sorry, can you spell that again?" Redneck: "D-E-N-I-S-T" Producer: "I'm sorry but that's incorrect. The correct spelling is 'D-E-N-T-I-S-T'"Redneck: "AW MAN" (throws his arms down like Kros)
Then the mother gets all up in his face for being a dumbass, the audience keeps laughing, and I'm dying on the floor by this point. I don't remember what the final thought was, but it was hilarious also.
*Statement does not include The Wire, The Simpsons seasons 1-9, Beavis and Butthead, or, well, anything that can be classified as legitimately "good" tv. **Clearly, not all military men have the intellectual deficiency that this guy does. Support our troops. ***Congrats on getting your own show, Steve!
So, once again the 2008 MLB playoffs are upon us. I used to look forward to the playoffs eagerly every year, as my Braves were sure to be contenders. And then my excitement would fade, as my Braves were sure to find new ways to flame out year after year. Those days are behind us though. They ended in dramatic fashion in a series that pitted suitemates against each other. In the end, the Garz-JJVen alliance bested the J-Charz pairing. UGGH how could Farnsworth blow that 5 run lead. Anyways, let's take a look at this year's match-ups!
NL Cubs vs Dodgers
PREDICTION: I'm having trouble calling this one. The dodgers had a good September, and people are talking about Manny for MVP. On the other hand, the Cubs pulled away nicely in the Central race. I am narrowly going to take the Cubs on this one, just because Andruw Jones played for the dodgers this year, and some of his loser-residue may have been left behind on the team (but I'm sure whatever he's doing right now, he has a big grin on his face)
Phillies vs Brewers
PREDICTION: In the sprit of full disclosure, I hate Philadelphia and I love Milwaukee. Yes John Kerry is eating a delicious looking cheesesteak, and Miller beer kinda blows, but I grew up going to a lot of Brewers games, because my grandparents live in Milwaukee. The Brewers were always my #2 team, and I've been sporting my brewers cap around town that I got years ago at free-hat day at the ballpark. (And a certain classmate of ours was very pro-philly...) So, inspite of the fact that Sheets is hurt and CC has pitched 14 times in the last 6 days, I gotta take my Brew, setting up a Midwest NLCS showdown.
Now, I could and probably should go on into the AL. Pundits say the AL is way stronger. I saw, Pshhhaw. Charz2k is an pro-NL site. That's something we all agree on. So I'll quickly sum up the AL... Whitesox beat the (Devil) Rays, crushing the hopes of... nobody, because who the hell cares about the Rays, aside from the fact that it's a nice story. And I'll take the Angels, because God is obviously cursing Boston, after letting them win championships in the 3 major sports. Brady is down, and the Sox will be down next. And who will win the ALCS? Who cares? The Brew Crew will shock the world, in spite of the fact that they aren't very good, and dominate whomever the AL throws at them.
2008 is the year of the Brewer! Yes I glossed over the Brewers beating the Cubs, but this image says it all: they will shoot the cubs and stand proudly over their dead bodies.
Garza is obviously beloved by all posters on this site. But let's be honest, the guy is mercurial. You don't know which Garz is going to show up one day after the next. I'll do my best and try and outline the major Garz personas for you so you'll be ready next time:
Matt Garza, Tampa Bay Devil Rays Basically Garz knew that he was never going to make it back to the playoffs as an Astro, so he allowed himself to pitch for the Rays. They're one of those newly hyped teams that haven't been around too long. Pitchfork gave them a good review, Garz signed up. Garz practiced his pitching motions in our dorm in college by throwing Ram Jam and Cat Stevens vinyl records across the room at the wall.
Roberto Garza, Chicago Bears Geez. Only Garz would put "#1 in Nutrition" on a package of frozen cinnamon buns. That's the kind of business savvy that he learned at the Wash U. B-School. And notice it doesn't say "Most Valuable Player," but "Most Valuable Person." Fits with everything I know about the guy. He does it all.
Aldo de la Garza, Former A&M Football Player All I ever heard Garz talk about at school was how much he loved College Station. No wonder. This is the innocent look he will try to give you when you accuse him of eating all the oreos.
David Lee Garza, Musician I remember the day Garz insisted on buying that darned cowboy hat.
Alana de la Garza, TV's "Law & Order" Since she's on Law & Order maybe she'll come to law school to give a lecture, except instead of her walking through the door it will be Garz himself. He has that same outfit except it says "Jesuit P.E." across the front.
Ambassador Garza (Mexico) This is Garz, ironing out all of our political issues south of the border. I knew this was in his future when he'd chat it up in Spanish with everyone on the St. Louis Metrolink coming back from Busch Stadium late at night.
Garza Theatre, (Post, TX) Basically everything Garz stands for musically, memorialized in a building. (That was a nice touch, Garz, with the two little red white and blue buntings next to the sign). Seems the theatre caters to plays and stage productions. Currently they are featuring a show entitled "An Evening of Culture." It said the audience members get treated to pumpkin beer and Ritz crackers while watching Beavis and Butthead.
So I was killing some time at Best Buy the other day, but I'm not sure what my purpose was in being there. Little did I know it was my destiny playing out before my own eyes. I was just looking around, I suppose, and I came across a DVD display on the side of an aisle: a gargantuan He-Man cartoon treasure trove! Now, I stood debating these DVD's for the longest time, and at one point decided against them and walked around some more of the store. But sure enough, my heart came calling me back to the He-Man DVD display. "Man, it's He-Man!" I tells myself, and it's Vol. 1 which is 33 episodes for $20! What a deal, no wonder they're on display! I mean, my mental math tells me that's like .10 cents an episode, I'd be a fool not to buy it.
Thus I grabbed it and ran to the register, and the guy there is one of those guys with the stretchy loops in his ear lobes, and he's like "Nice choice, He-Man, and at a good price." This acclaim from the Best Buy employee made me feel better about myself and my purchase- kind of like getting complimented when you bring your Arcade Fire CD to the register instead of getting laughed out the door. So I said "Yeh, twenty bucks seemed fairly reasonable," and the guy says "No man, they're only $9.95, they're on sale. So if you want to go check them out again go ahead."
Now, this is where my mental prowess kicked in-- I'm no idiot. I go over the facts and decide that since two minutes ago I was standing there expecting to pay $20 bucks, then that extra $10 is basically one of those "sunk costs" that you can't retrieve regardless of what you do because it is already spent. I mean, this is one of those economic "prisoner's dilemmas" where I can go home with only one DVD set and $10 or two DVD sets with $0. Naturally, I went back to the He-Man aisle and picked up Vol. 2 and brought it back to the dude at the register and went home happy.
Garz knows that I can find ways to justify any purchase. I've spent his money in this fashion multiple times at Vintage Vinyl. But although I've only watched four episodes up to this point, let's just say I think I've already reaped the rewards of my decisions about 5 times over. You can't script stuff like this nowadays.
Bears: 1.2. Watching these proves to be quite the time killer-- the afternoon just disappears!
Anti-Bears: 4.3. I like this animation better than all the Toy Story type stuff anyways, and they have a moral/lesson revealed at the end of every show that should have been learned in the episode! Maybe they will teach some money management principles at some point in the collection.
I didn't go to Wrigley. But that Astros game tonight was so good. Hunter Pence almost hit for the cycle, those double plays were great, and more! I haven't watched baseball as religiously as I usually do this year because the Astros have been sucking. But I happened to see the game tonight and it was so good. I noticed: Jim Edmonds' old ass will kill the Astros until he retires, Cubs fans still suck...they're so fickle and they boo the Cubs too much. Ohhh shit, I remember watching WGN back in the day and just hating Steve Stone and Chip Caray so much. haha that's wack dude! Also, I remember when Aramis Ramirez was the worst fielder! He was on the Pirates and he was usually good for one error per game. Since he's been on the Cubs, he's improved a lot though...and that sucks! I seriously think the Cubs could win the World Series this year! As an Astros fan...I hate that! Carlos Marmol is the best set up man in baseball and the Cubs are too balanced. What's the world coming to? My Astros have won like 6 or 7 in a row and that's nuts! What if we actually won the wild card?!
I hate the Cubs...but it's like a different hate than the one employed by Cards fans. It's like a very personal hatred where I just wish Carlos Zambrano would break his arm or tear his rotator cuff or something...just to see the Cubbies fail! More about Jim Edmonds though...Lord I hate watching him play CF against the Astros! He catches everything! He should totally be a slow, old, white dude who misjudges fly balls and can't hit the cutoff man anymore...but no, man, he's still like Otis fuckin Nixon out there. I actually don't remember how good of a CF Otis Nixon was...but shit I remember HATING the Tomahawk Chop! Damn I hated the Braves...but now they don't matter too much anymore.
But if I moved to Chicago I'd wanna be a Sox fan I think I've decided. But NO No No! my most hated player is A.J. Pierzynski! He seems like such a douche bag! Jim Thome is just a damn hick too! I've lived in Texas toooo long and that shit is no longer cute!
Oh...does telling people "Alfonso Soriano swings the biggest bat in baseball" make anyone else laugh too??
