Sunday, January 25, 2009

Dreaming About Girls in Cars

So, school has resumed. Besides being a general bear, it means more reading, more work, more biting my nails in class in anxiety. It also means I will be spending more time on the turnpike each week driving back and forth between Norman and Tulsa.

I'll be honest. When I am passing cars on the highway, I imagine some really good looking girl driving in the car nearby. I picture a different girl based on what car she is driving, and I am invariably wrong every time. Does anyone else do this? I will now relay my experiences based on each car model. The "anti-bears" are for potential/expectation value of who I envision behind the wheel. The "bear" points are rewarded for the harshness of reality.

Model #1: The Chevy Malibu.
Let's start with your basic car, so obviously this will be driven by your basic, regular-day hot chick, which is Kelly Kapowski. "Malibu" makes me think they must be heading to the beach, even though there aren't any in Oklahoma. Kelly Kapow-wow-wow-ski = 3.8 anti-bears.

But, as I pull alongside, who will be driving? None other than Screech himself! Always pans out that way, and always will. As I type this, a Screech quotation from an episode I can't remember comes to mind, and that is "Always a guinea pig, never a guinea." Well now I know what he meant. 3.8 bears.

Model #2: The Volkswagen Jetta.
This to me is likely to be driven by your good-looking indie rock girl. Maybe they are in a band or someone you see at a concert. They might even look really strange, like have weird-colored hair or something but for some reason they're just attractive. They're probably English majors and/or vegetarians. Basically, if you pass a Jetta, you have a chance of passing a car full of the Pipettes. I don't know anything about this band other than Garz said he liked them at one point, and that they possibly even broke up or got new members. I wouldn't have reason to know that info just by passing them on the road. 4.1 anti-bears.

So, I breeze by the Jetta, and lo and behold! It's Jerry Garcia driving it! Well, I probably got the vegetarian part right, but these Jettas are always so deceptive. You can bet the farm it'll be some hippie or slacker college guy (or Dan). I think if Garz grew a beard he could pull this look off. Would be 4.3 bears, but if they wave like that then I reduce it to 3.3 bears.

Model #3: The Honda SUV.
I don't know what started the SUV rage, but if I see one on the highway, I immediately think old high school Christina Aguilera from sophomore year. Some good-looking sorority-type girl, basically. If you're right, the payoff is usually pretty good. 4.5 anti-bears.

But, big surprise. Why would I set my hopes so high? These are always inevitably driven by Tom Anderson everytime, which is probably why I am passing them in the first place because they are going so slow. Look for the handicapped tag in the rearview mirror. Maybe I'll see Beavis and Butthead in a stolen Honda SUV sometime. At least Beavis is a blonde.

Model #4: The BMW.
!!!!! Hot chick alert !!!!! is what these things scream, no matter what the color. I'm aiming high with Mary Elizabeth Winstead here. All I know about her is she was in Live Free or Die Hard and was the only reason I sat through Tarantino's Grindhouse movie because she was in it. 5.0 anti-bears.

Wrecked! As you pull up alongside, it's just a multi-millionaire thirty-year old man who's going to a modelling shoot in his kick-around car for the weekend. It's A-Rod! 5.0 bears.

Model #5: The Ferrari.
No doubt, every time I pass one of these, I bet all my chips on seeing Christie Brinkley from Vacation, with her hair in the wind, waking me up just before I fall asleep of boredom. 4.7 anti-bears. Who else could possibly be driving such an automobile? I have to speed up and find out...

I just got pimped!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Joe Flacco

=Anton Newcombe with a haircut!