Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Olympians in Pinstripes

So as I was forced to watch the Olympic games due to baseball rain delays, I happened to notice Michael Phelps win his 31st Olympic gold medal. Hats off to Phelps and all, but what I thought was most interesting were the rumors buzzing around that the Yankees are trying to sign him up for that extra little boost to get into the playoffs. We all know that the Yanks always recruit and snatch up the best players, slap a Bombers hat on their head, and ship them into the Bronx. You didn't think that Yankee GM Brian Cashman limited himself to looking only for ballplayers, did you? So after a bit of research, I found the top Yankee prospects, assuming they perform well enough this week in Beijing for New York fans to accept them into the family.

#1: Michael Phelps, Swimmer, United States

As already stated, Phelps is a baller in the pool. No reason the Yanks couldn't use him as another outfielder. He could probably swim to first base faster than Pudge could run there. Rumors also say that Phelps can provide a variety of speedos in the locker room that Jason Giambi can wear when he wants to bust out of a slump.

#2: Jiang Yuyuan, Gymnast, China

So the trendy thing seems to be to import an Asian guy to the Major Leagues. At Wrigley, all the lame Cubs fans seem to go bonkers over Kosuke Fukudome. They sell karate headbands in and around the stadium that say "FUKUDOME" on them in Chinese lettering, the kind of headbands that Danny Larusso wore in The Karate Kid. I saw grown men wearing them as much as children. Fukudome is the most overrated player ever, but they love the guy to death because he's Asian. So since Hideki Matsui has seen a lot of the DL lately, the Yankees front office seems to think that putting Yuyuan in left field will boost ticket sales, if not their chances of making the World Series. By the time you finish reading this article, the country of China will have cast enough votes to get Yuyuan into the 2009 All Star Game. It's just all about keeping up with the multicultural times, really.

#3: Sean Breathnach, Shot Putter, Ireland

I don't even know if this guy is in the Olympics. I just needed a shot putter and I thought he should be Irish, so this is what the technology spit out at me. Basically the deal is this: Joba Chamberlain sucks and couldn't live up to the hype. Yanks want to bolster their pitching staff, so why not Sean Breathnach? Remember the "Joba Rules"? Where Joba couldn't pitch more than ten pitches or something in an inning, and then had to sit out like three games in-between to rest his arm? Sean Breathnach doesn't need any of that babying. You're pretty much guaranteed a complete game every time he takes the mound. His ERA might end up a little high, but you can always count on not having to go to your bullpen until at least the ninth.

#4: Shawn Johnson, Gymnast, United States

Shawn Johnson is a gymnast, and though small the Yanks think her durability could land her a few starts as a backup catcher, giving Pudge the day off every now and then. In fact, the scouts believe that she may be the only one who is able to catch on the days when Sean Breathnach makes his starts in the rotation. As additional appeal, she could be a new flame for Jeter, who has already dated through the ranks of Mariah Carey, Gabrielle Union, et al etc et al.

#5: (A-Rod's request to the Yankee front office- anyone from the women's Olympic weightlifting team)

No comment.

#6: Mary Lou Retton, Gymnast, United States
Surely you recall those shenanigans Clemens and the Yankees pulled, where Clemens waits until he sees which team he wants to play for, sits until mid-season, and then signs for billions of dollars, and then announces his coming-out-of-retirement during the seventh inning stretch at Yankee stadium? Signing an old star past their prime and acting like they're going to be the season's saving grace is straight up the way New York does business. This year, they've got their sights on Mary Lou Retton, Olympic great. Leave it to the Yanks, they have no shame. At least Retton will come through in the clutch better than A-Rod- she's a threat to take the "Miss October" title away from him.

So that's the hot news that I found from the scouting reports. If the Bombers can even add half of these prospects to their team, I guarantee you they will be able to make it to another choke in the playoffs.

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