What Happens In Vegas

I just don't understand constipation.  If you don't have to shit, don't shit.  When you feel like taking a shit you are no longer constipated.  Yeah, you think you're constipated if you sit on the toilet and it won't come out?  But you're really just a hypochondriacal fool who tries to shit more often than the rest of the shitting population (everyone poops).  God I love poop. Constipation is a well-perpetuated myth.   

What are the benefits of a well-toned sphincter?  Why don't you ask Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher.  I'm just guessing they know.  Look at them clenching up there!  OK, I'm making myself laugh.  "Get Lucky" it says - Ed. Note: ERRRRRRRR (the sound of clenching)

And I mean I want to read some academic's exhaustive sphincter abstract but I don't want to transmit some fecal meme by translating all that poopy jargon into your constipated vernacular.  That's Cliff's job.  He makes special notes for special people who don't like fucking reading.   And I've got a suggestion for you.  Want it? You actually don't because it'll hurt.  I suggest that Ashton Kutcher is the masterfully-formed (nice one, dude!) log of caca in your crapper.  Cameron Diaz is the jism on a fat executive producer's heated, ass-massaging, German-engineered car seat in a well-appointed garage in the Hamptons.  

Do you think I watched this movie?  Hell yes I did! I want a toned sphincter also.  Let me in on the secret, Hollywood!  Oh I have some fantasies!  But Rothbarth, J., et. al. are there to preclude their (the fantasies') actualization. --The outcome of anterior sphincter repair deteriorates with time after surgery--

Thanks, now it's time to kill myself as my anterior sphincter repair has already begun to degrade and I'm (once again) going incontinent.  God I love my life as director Tom Vaughan.  

Wait! What's this I found in the toilet?  Wooo it's Cameron "Poop" Diaz sweetly mingling with Ashton "Feces Face" Kutcher.  Aren't they cute together?  Isn't life simply beautiful?

I say YES! 

I happily award What Happens In Vegas a pristine 5.0 anti-fucking bears

Bears?! Don't even mention them! They don't live in the same universe as this cinematic thingy.  They live in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge with the awesome pipes drawing oil from the rad earth.   

Danny Danny Danny wrote this