Wednesday, July 2, 2008


Happy 4th of July everybody! I was driving past the fireworks stands the other night and realized I hadn't bought fireworks in years and years. I probably wouldn't even recognize what new technologies they have available these days, but here are the ones I remember.

Let's start the review off with a bang. These were cool. I always felt like an army soldier and wrapped these things over my shoulder. If Kevin McCallister could use them to scare away a pizza delivery guy in Home Alone, surely I could employ them to a grand purpose as well. I don't think I ever did though. I probably just sat around staring at the cool Black Cat logo.

Tanks- I was all over these things. It combined my favorite passion for little Hot Wheels cars and toys into a sweet, compact, and menacing looking firework. As I recall they never rolled as well as I thought they were going to on those little paper wheels, and only scooted a foot or two anyways.

Sparklers- A classic firework, a classic dud in my opinion. You had to stand there and once the initial joy of getting the sparks to fly with the "Hsssss!" wore off, the only thing left that you could do was move your arms around in awkward motions to make light shapes in the night. Quite a girly firework, if you ask me. The stuff for gymnasts and baton twirlers. Kevin McCallister wouldn't be caught dead with one of these sissies.

Roman candles. My dream as a little kid was to get in a roman candle fight with the older kids in the neighborhood. I was always too scared to ever get that experience, my one true 4th of July regret; I don't like to talk about it.

Rockets- Ahoy! Now these were something to get excited about! I remember these being a bit more expensive than the other fireworks, so I had to shell out a bit more dough to blast one of these guys into the sky. Oh man. What is better than putting five bucks on a launch pad, lighting it with a punk, and seeing it skate off sideways down the street instead of actually going upwards? Now that's something to buy!

Finally, Snaps. Ah, after it's all done, these were what remained. You could carry the joy of July 4th into July 5th, 6th, and 7th with these snaps. They were packaged in sawdust that got all into your pocket. Nothing more refreshing than thinking you were out of snaps and then discovering one last one hiding in the bag under the dust. These were worthless.

Anti-bears: 1.0. I can't actually think of anything good to say about fireworks, other than I can't imagine the 4th of July without them.

Bears: 4.5. If you can't tell, I don't like fireworks. July 4th is cool, but I don't dig watching the same thing over and over and over, especially if I had to pay for them. I'll be in watching the Cards/Cubs game on Friday night. Hopefully Zambrano will get lit up.

1 comment:

Sam said...

oh man, I can't tell if this guy's being sarcastic or not.