Why the Cardinals are the Best Team in Baseball

With one month of baseball season almost behind us, I have decided to do a bear/anti-bear status update on the coolest team in baseball, the St. Louis Cardinals. In doing so, I will compare men on their roster to members of the coolest team of all-time, and by that I undoubtedly am referring to the kids from The Sandlot, which is my favorite baseball movie. Without further ado….

In the leadoff spot is Skip Schumaker. He started off the season a little slowly but has become red-hot as of late. He’s one of those players that is a bit squirrelly and he plays pretty well in right field, too.

His Sandlot equivalent: Michael “Squints” Palledorous. This guy is a classic top of the lineup kind of player. He is small and confidently calls his shot in the batter’s box, but we all know he only gets line drive base-hits. These guys are quick and fast and can always slide into the base and beat the tag. Plus, on top of everything, despite their size they have the guts to feign drowning and kiss Wendy Peffercorn. And that’s really everything you can ask for from a leadoff guy.

Next is Chris Duncan. Chris Duncan is a converted outfielder and it is always an adventure for him out there. The other night he made a routine fly into a heart-pounding, run-into-the-wall-at-the-warning-track-and-fall-down type of grab. Furthermore, he always has the biggest wad of tobacco in his mouth. I know most ballplayers chew but they do it a lot more inconspicuously than Chris does. I don’t know if you remember but Duncan reminds me of the guy in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles who comes to give them a ride in Wichita, and is always snorting and spits juice on his palm before shaking hands.

His Sandlot equivalent: Bertram Grover Weeks. I think this one is pretty obvious here, people. The redhead kid who introduces everyone to “Chaw!” at the amusement park, resulting in them all puking and getting sick. Bertram actually reminded me of a guy on my own little league team, who instead of throwing a foul ball back to the pitcher he “accidentally” launched it into right field, and when he was running the bases he’d knock over the other team’s players, claiming they were in the way. These guys are always a bit of a wild card, but usually solid ballplayers out on the ‘lot.

Third we have Pujols. Day in, day out, Pujols is there for the Cards. He’s got power (the other night he cranked one into Big Mac Land) and he is also a gold glover at first. He hit the most fantastic home run I have ever seen against the Astros in the 2005 NLCS. We all know who he is.

His Sandlot equivalent: I feel somewhat bad about this one, but it is Allan “Yeah-Yeah” McKlennan. I know, you all thought it would be Benny, but it didn’t play out that way. Pujols is an all-star and the most flash that the Cardinals possess. “Yeah-Yeah” was the most glamorous Sandlot player and the best dressed, with his slicked hair and button down shirt worn open over his white T. He’s the one we all wanted to look like from 1950’s Americana and summer baseball. He’s the James Dean of the sandlot; the Pujols of the Cards.

Batting clean-up is Rick Ankiel, who has become my new favorite player with the team after Rolen went to Toronto. Ankiel started as a pitching prodigy back 8-9 years ago, and was just starting his way to Hall of Fame stardom until he couldn’t find the strike zone (or anywhere close to it) in the playoffs. He disappeared, vanished, the dreams were dashed. Until last year, when he came back as a position player and started cracking homers out of the park. He’s now the starting centerfielder, and don’t try to get an extra base on him, folks, he’s got one of the best arms in baseball. He’s also been in the HGH controversies for a few years ago when he was in the minors, but his journey is incredible, inspirational, and I’m sold on him. I love his half-sarcastic smirk that’s on his face most of the time.

His Sandlot equivalent: Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez. Benny never made it big in the pro’s- at the end of the movie he is a pinch-runner for the Dodgers. But he is the hopes and dreams of the sandlot guys, the only one to ever even get close to the pros. Ankiel and Benny are equivalent because they each possess a mystique, a lore about them that makes them great despite probably never making the Hall. Pujols is the best but we all know that and expect it. When Ankiel hits a dinger or when Benny steals home, I get tears in my eyes.

Next on our line-up card is Yadier Molina. You have to love this guy- he’s got this perpetual grin going for him (except, coincidentally, in this picture). Like when he gets a single and rounds first, he’s beaming like he’s never been there before. He’s got two other brothers that are also catchers in the pro’s, so it runs in the family.

His Sandlot equivalent: Hamilton “Ham” Porter. They’re both catchers and the larger-bodied players of the team, so the resemblance begins there. I’m also going to infer that they both “don’t run well.” This phrase seems to be used a lot in baseball as a polite way to say a player is extremely slow and you panic if they take more than a two step lead. And hey, I like to picture Yadier wanting a “quick game” so he can get back to the dugout and grin over some hot dogs for lunch.

Following is Aaron Miles and Adam Kennedy. These guys play second/short and are in LaRussa’s rotation for the infield. They are pretty solid guys who can come up big at the plate as well, but it’s likely that sometimes they don’t get enough credit and fall under the radar as compared to bigger names in the league like a Jeter or a Polanco. They probably are two of the straighter-laced players of the bunch. They probably don’t get into trouble with LaRussa.

Their Sandlot equivalent: Timmy and Tommy Timmons. They look alike and sometimes you have to confess to getting them confused. But the Timmon’s brothers come up big for you and they don’t beat around the bush. They’ll holler “The Colossus of Clout!” in your face as many times as you want until you finally realize who Babe Ruth really is.

In the eight-spot is Brian Barton. Seemingly a fan favorite in the ‘Lou, he has got great speed and a terrific batting average. Just the other night he stretched a single into a double in the top of the ninth and ended up scoring the go-ahead and winning run. He’s got some great dreads to boot, which gives him tremendous aesthetic appeal.
Q: Why did Brian Barton make the starting roster?
A: Because he’s a rosterfarian.

His Sandlot equivalent: Kenny DeNunez. He’s a quality sandlot player but he’s got unknown talent because he’s not exhibited much in the movie. Likewise, we’ll have to see how Barton’s ability progresses over the course of the season in St. Louis after he gets more playing time. Plus Kenny is the only black player in the movie, so this is a good match.

Lastly, the Cardinal’s pitcher- Anthony Reyes. This guy is my favorite, though he’s not even in the starting rotation. Just look at him. He gets some flak for not bending his hat bill but c’mon, that’s style man. He’s got an old-school pitching delivery and usually wears his socks high, too. I don’t know when he’ll pitch again; sometimes he’s good, sometimes he gets lit up. He’s still young and learning, though.

His Sandlot equivalent: Scotty Smalls. Remember when Smalls first goes out to play and he wears that fishing cap with the extra long bill? Well that’s right down Reyes’ alley. I won’t be surprised if Reyes steps out on the mound with one of those sometime soon. But then Benny gives Smalls a new cap to wear. I’m sure Reyes would take a new cap but he’d probably still straighten out the bill.

A final comparison: Tony LaRussa. His Sandlot equivalent is obviously James Earl Jones. They both are the only ones who are always wearing sunglasses, even at night. Sure, James Earl Jones’ character was blind in The Sandlot, but maybe LaRussa is blind, blind to the fact that he is the coach of the coolest team in baseball. Both he and James Earl Jones take a ragtag bunch of ballplayers and turn them into something special.
Anti-bears- 4.0. Most of these guys are home-grown in the St. Louis minor league organizations, and I have tried to convince you that the Cardinals are the most inspiring team in the game. If direct, empirical comparisons to Sandlot characters don’t justify this claim for you, then nothing will.

Bears- 2.0. I still am on the edge of my seat as to whether these guys will actually make the playoffs.

The New Pornographers/Okkervil River, 4-21, Madison, WI

About four years ago I remember thinking that if I were in a band, that I'd want to sound like the New Pornographers. Their recorded output at that time consisted only of Mass Romantic and Electric Version, two hook-laden, upbeat, and the kind of diverse but straightforward pop albums that make you wonder why they aren't the most popular band in the country. How could anyone not think this music is perfect?

Over the past few years my tastes have ebbed and flowed to and from poppy stuff, noisy stuff, drone stuff, sweet stuff, and bands that fell into categories defined in different proportion by all four of the preceding categories. For the most part what's become evident is that bands as perfect as the New Pornographers have tended to fall out of favor with me. The vocals are too polished, the hooks too catchy, the band too confident, the image way too damn slick. The NP's subsequent two albums, Twin Cinema and Challengers offer a slight departure (much moreso on the quieter, subtler Challengers) that I couldn't quite hop on board with as easily as with the first two. Twin Cinema and I had some good times, ranging from when I bought that album in Tulsa after we got back from our roadtrip out west and before school started that year, through when I saw the band play a dynamite set at the now-defunct Mississippi Nights in St. Louis (I always loved the club but it wasn't until I moved to a town with so many venues of questionable quality that I realized that Mississippi Nights was an amazing place to see a show) and pretty much up until walking in to the Brown Auditorium in Louisville where they were on stage warming up for Belle & Sebastian and basically not even caring that they were opening.

Since then I'll occasionally dip back to the first two albums and I tend to enjoy them, but I don't love them nearly as much as I did those last two years of college. A few months ago when I heard they were playing in Madison with Okkervil River, I was mostly limp on the idea of going despite my friends' excitement. I mean, New Pornographers are alright, and I like Okkervil River, but paying $22 (+ $6.75 from Ticketmaster if I couldn't find the time to go to the box office) for a show I'm not crazy enthusiastic about in a venue that I almost completely detest wasn't something that I was planning on doing.

Flash forward a few months and I hear a song in a bar (I don't remember which) and suddenly going to the show felt like a good idea. I'd pay the $22, but fuck Ticketmaster. If I couldn't get tickets at the box office I would not go. Turns out someone at work had an extra ticket they were unloading for $15, so that was awesome and I didn't have any doubts about the value of seeing a band I really like and I band I really used to love for that price, even if the show was at the fantastically hateworthy Orpheum Theater.

Day of show, and the temperature is 75 and the sky is partly sunny. Fuckin' a, I'm going to walk to the theater! It's only a mile and a half, but during the winter months that's an absolutely gargantuan distance to have to walk. When the sun comes out it's fucking gorgeous.

So, let's break this up into 3 sections (there will only be one score total, though):

The Orpheum Theater
I never reviewed the Decemberists show I went to at the Orpheum (holy shit, I just realized that show was almost exactly a year ago and that day was also one of the first truly beautiful days of the spring season as well), but rest assured that I hated it. Part of why I hated it was because I drank too much, part was because I didn't think the band was particularly 'on', but most of why it was so awful can be attributed to the Orpheum Theater.

This place is one of those big old-timely venues with ornate wall carvings and a swanky lobby and other beautiful accents, but unfortunately the obscenely awkward positioning of the balcony juxtaposed against the main floor has forced the stage to be positioned about 8 feet in the air, which you can imagine has to be a terrible headache if you have to either crane your head to look up from the floor or down from the balcony. I mean, who designed this fucking place? Our seats were near the back of the floor section and our view was actually pretty decent. However having seats in a venue is automatically negative points, so it was minor consolation (and though I'd actually have liked to have sat for the New Pornographers' set, everyone in front of me stood up and I'm not tall enough to be able to see over their heads when I'm sitting, so I had to stand also). Oh yeah, and it was ungodly hot in there. Big, hot, musty, awkward theater does not a good show help. At least the sound quality was above average, if not downright good.

Okkervil River
I've seen Okkervil River three times now, and of the three shows this one certainly takes the cake as the one I'd like to remember if for some reason I was forced to forget any two OR shows that I've been to (abbreviating Okkervil River as OR makes their name look dangerously similar to O.A.R.; I just shuddered). Will Sheff's narratives resonated perfectly through the venue, and his stage presence was enormous. He's got a fantastic, booming voice, and he commands it perfectly in tune with the band's songs. Their loud songs were good. Their quiet songs were good. Their cover of "Sloop John B" was fantastic (sidenote: I've read in several places that this song is the lone clunker in the context of its Pet Sounds surroundings, but I've always quite enjoyed it). I would have been perfectly satisfied if my $15 had gone to see only Okkervil River that night, but holy shit the headliner hadn't even played yet! In my experience even when the opener tears it up, the headliner usually puts them back in their place. This was going to be a great show. No regrets any more!

The New Pornographers
I forgot to mention this earlier, but a few days ago Neko Case injured her foot and had to drop off the tour for a few shows, this Madison stop included. That was a serious bummer because a huge part of why I decided to get a ticket hinged on her presence. When she sings, I get fucking chills. Everyone gets fucking chills. Kathryn Calder has a beautiful voice, but she's missing the "Neko Case Factor", which needless to say is unique to Neko Case.

Anyway, after a reasonable intermission, the lights dim and the crowd cheers. Minus one point for the crowd, since when a venue is that full for a band that is that popular, I expect a roar. Cheer is laundry detergent. Roar is what good crowds (and lions) do. I guess the crowd was also anticipating a mediocre performance in the absence of Neko Case and Dan Bejar, but come on, give the band the fucking benefit of the doubt!

In the crowd's defense, the first few songs performed were total snoozers. I don't know if the band were mirroring the crowd's intensity level, but it wasn't until "The Laws Have Changed" that things started to pick up a bit. It's a melodic upbeat rocker, but when it's the first enthusiastically performed song of the night and it's the fifth or sixth in the set, there's not much hope for the rest of the night. Or is there? Following "Laws" with "Twin Cinema" was making me reconsider my own lack of enthusiasm. I was beginning to feel it, and I was having fun. Turns out the rest of the show was pretty limp. I enjoyed my old favorites "Mass Romantic", "Electric Version", "Sing me Spanish Techno"and the two encore songs, a genuinely spirited cover of ELO's "Don't let me Down" (don't let me dowwnnn, KROS!!) and the classic "The Slow Descent into Alcoholism", but during the rest of the show I was pretty bored overall. I certainly wasn't the only one either. Most of the crowd didn't really seem to give a shit about a band they paid at least $22 (and in some cases around $30) to see, which is unfortunate because an excellent crowd can turn a mediocre show into a really good show.

Overall it was pretty clear that Okkervil River stole the show. In the section of songs I enjoyed I neglected the one that Will Sheff stood in for, commandeering Dan Bejar's vocal section ("Myriad Harbour"?). Several friends agreed, and I heard various comments in the lobby about how great Okkervil River were and how merely "alright" or "pretty good" the New Pornographers were.

Bears - 3.5.
There was a tall guy standing right in front of me. I mean, seriously, come on! In the whole row directly in front of us the one tall guy was immediately in my field of vision. Also, the venue tends to suck a lot of life out of the shows it hosts. And it was fucking stuffy in there. Also, the New Pornographers weren't great.

Anti-bears - 3.5.
Okkervil River saved this score. Will Sheff is awesome on stage. Also the cover songs the bands performed were fantastic. The weather and the walk to and from the Orpheum were very nice, as well. The New Pornographers weren't terrible.

My morning commute

This morning I set out from my apartment around 6:35 AM Eastern time. I walked from my apartment to the Farragut North Metro station. Along the way I listened to my IPOD. I like listening to music while walking down the street to the metro. Along the way I passed by the National Geographic Museum and the infamous Mayflower Hotel. My walk was about 10 minutes. I took Rhode Island to 17th st to L st. I took the L st entrance into the station, because it's the closest to me. There are 2 other entrances I could have taken, but I stand by my choice. I waited 3 minutes for the red line train. I rode it 4 stops to Union Station. At Union Station I went to Au Ban Pan and got a cinnamon scone. Mmmmm delicious. They have great scones there. Then I got on the 7:12 Marc Train and I was on my way! While on the Marc train, I read the newspaper and talked to my friend Elizabeth. Upon my arrival, I bought a coffee because I need to have a caffeine boost to start my day!

The post below . . .

. . . may be the worst post that has ever been put on this blog. While I don't really like this bastardized version of charz2k, at least most of the posts have a point. The original concept for charz2k was a parody of a review site. Since moving to this blog format, reviews only account for about 30% of the posts. The remaining 70% is regular blog-type garbage. BUT AT LEAST THOSE POST HAVE A POINT OR SOME FORM OF VALUE! Really, reading charz's post made me think of a certain incident involving Naveen, Garz and a blueberry bagel. It may even be worse than that incident. At least that incident was related by speech. While I can't say that it wasted less of my time—in all honestly I can probably read faster than Naveen (or a surrogate) can speak—at least the bagel story spawned an incredibly long-lived line of jokes. Charz informing us denizens of the web that he is going to watch the Simpsons will do no such thing. He didn't even have the sense to wait until he'd watched the freakin' (yes, Parks, that is a lion) show, so he could give us a report on this endeavor. Instead, we are forced to browse through the comments to find a poorly drafted re-cap of what we all know is a mediocre show.

I would like to take this opportunity to do a quick-and-dirty classic review of the current state of charz2k.

Anti-Bears – 2.314

• Occasionally, Garz, Dan or Jared writes a funny post.
  
• Actually, Jared's posts (sans the dream post) are never all that funny, but they are usually in a review format which I'll have to count as a plus.
• If I ever forget why I once put my head under a car tire and asked Garz to run it over, I can always remind myself by returning to this page.

Bears – 5+ (Weight assigned individually for effect; remember that the scale is not additive, so the overall score is NOT the sum of its parts)

• This is nothing more than a blog—I still think I'm too cool to ever like something that could be called a "blog." (3)
  
• Do I really care what 5 songs pitchfork media told Garz to listen to this week? (2)
• Charz's post. (17 – for a point of reference, if there were ever an earthquake of this magnitude, the earth would not only crumble, it would most likely vaporize)

I feel very dirty after posting on this charz2k blog, but something had to be said. Since everyone is obviously incredibly interested, I'm going to go brush my teeth. I'll probably spend about 1.2 minutes doing so, after which I will take out my contacts. I will then sit on the edge of my bed and stare at the wall for approximately 8 hours. This will still be more fun than reading about charz's plans to watch the simpsons.

The Simpsons.

I've decided to watch the new Simpsons episode tonight on Fox. I know, it's going to just make me angry, and it's a giant waste of 30 minutes. I'm curious though. Maybe with a new batch of writers, it's funny again? Okay, so there's a 1% chance of that being true. But I'm watching it damnit. Although there's a pretty good chance I won't make it past minute 10.

A comment on the Dead that I've decided to make as its own post because if I just commented on Jared's post none of you fools would read it

A pressing question for J. Two part question: Is uncle john's band in this grateful dead collection? If so, which version???

Now, a classic memory that I bet even J has forgotten: me making a lame joke about the grateful dead being from oklahoma because of the lyric "ripple in still water." Oh wait, that's not a lame joke- it's frickin hilarious.

PS the john adams miniseries rules. It's no wire, but good nonetheless. I bet for the next 30 years, elementary-high school students will watch this miniseries in their US history classes, and see some paul giamatti kick-assery.

Holy Lord Album Recommendations

Holy Lord it'd be so sweet if the Feelies played Crazy Rhythms! By the way, everyone, that album is a fucking sterling masterpiece- it's absolutely perfect! Not that the Public Enemy and the Mission of Burma albums are anything to scoff at. I think I'm gonna go to the Pitchfork Festival.

We should have a charz2k festival with arts and crafts tables and face painting booths. No music, we all hate music. No bands, band members are always dicks.

I got some album recommendations for every person alive (dead not invited):

Chrome - Half-Machine Lip Moves/Alien Soundtracks (2 LP on 1 CD thingie!)

Psychic TV - Forcing the Hand of Chance

Sly & The Family Stone - There's A Riot Goin' On

Eric, dammit, you have to get that Sly album.


I'm so sad to hear about Whiskey. Quick story: he had been trained by the Garz family to stay away from the hard wood floors and to keep on the tile. One time we enticed him to slowly walk onto the hard woods and when he had finally gotten completely on them I said "Whiskey!! Get off of the hard wood floor!" and he quickly ran away in panic. He also enjoyed farting in rooms then leaving. Oh, and he had an awesome piggly tail.

RIP Whiskey