From the Archives, Volume Whatever

Instead of showing the text of this past article as quoted within the body of this post, I'm going to let it freestyle. It's a pretty important post as it provides the entire basis for our review structure, and despite how we're not terribly prolific when it comes to writing criticisms of things we'd not be able to produce ourselves (not yet, anyway), I'm hoping that including this will push us in the right direction and also clarify things for some readers who don't know what an anti-bear is. Without further delay,

Records, etc, will be reviewed on a two separate, non-additive scales. The first of these scales is 0-5 Bears, which is a mark of how annoying the album is. Annoyance can be marked by anything ranging from over production to excessively sappy lyrics to a terrible cover design. Essentially, anything that’s not cool about an album (including social effects) is a bear.

To express how great an album is, the 0-5 Anti-bear scale will be used. So those organs are really kicking, are they? Yeah that’s like 2 anti-bears automatically.

Don’t get the wrong idea about these scales. As I told you, they are non-additive. That means you may be hearing the best record of the year, but it’s still a 5-bear album because it caused the band’s show to sell out to a bunch of high school kids before you got your paycheck from KFC.

Anyway, enjoy.