Batrhoom Ettttikitt

When I was 5 years old I was going to St. Albert's Kindergarten here in Houston. About half way through the school year, my friend, Chase, taught me some bathroom secrets. No funny business here though (you twisted pervert). By bathroom secrets, I mean how to make a mess of a bathroom. Push the soap dispenser like ten times and let the soap hit the floor. Make gratuitous use of the paper towels and throw them all over the place. It was fun for a while until I got caught and had to see the principal.

My point is this desire to make a mess of what we don't have to clean is some ever-present thing in our nature. Rock stars have been down with this shit for years. "Let's jerk off on the TV before we throw it out the window...we don't have to clean it!" says Eddie Van Halen.

All bathroom engineers attempt to combat the innate human desire to trash bathrooms; and as a result, all bathroom engineers measure the progress of bathroom technology by the preventative mechanisms each new piece of bathroom technology carries. You can almost hear the meetings at a bathroom engineering firm.

"Damn it Johnson, can't we find a way to keep these pigs from throwing paper towels everywhere in our beautiful bathrooms?!"

As a result, we get those paper towel dispensers that release single sheets of paper towels when they sense a hand. This increases the amount of required work exponentially if any bathroom user wants to use paper towels to trash the bathroom. I love trashing bathrooms but I'm a busy guy and I don't have time to alert the little sensor for fifteen minutes or until it yields a sufficient amount of paper towels for a bathroom trashing. Bathroom trashing averted.

Want to flood the bathroom by stuffing the sink with paper towels and running the water? Too bad, these facilities are equipped with faucets that run water only when a hand is detected. Sure, you could still flood the place but you'll have to cancel your afternoon meetings.

It's not a vandal's world anymore like it was in the 80's. Though I wasn't alive for much of the 80's, I'll bet it was really easy to fuck around with bathrooms with the lack of preclusive bathroom devices and whatnot.

Bathroom engineers are professional distrusters and I don't like that. It angers me mildly. You bathroom guys are officially awarded 3.8 bears and 0.3 anti-bears (anti-bears for having cool beards). When last I checked, there was no bathroom device on the market that prevents me from spraying shit on the mirrors (there might be some crazy advanced mirrors in Japan but not in America). So look out Dow Chemical Engineering Facility (my arbitrarily-chosen scapegoat). I just ate 3 burritos and I'm coming to use your bathroom.

-Danny